Sex & Romance
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Scared of Sex
Me and my Girlfriend been together 4 years shes 23 im 21. we have never had sex. she thinks it will hurt to much for the first time. she says she wants to have sex. i have not pressured her into anything and have been patient. I spoke to her the other day and she started to cry saying the longer she has left it the harder it is. but is still worryed it will hurt. we have done other stuff we like but not had sex yet. i want to help her though it but dont know what to do??
Re: Scared of Sex
you're this old and this scared?
anybody want to call MUD with me? yes? no?
She probably hasn't masturbated.
If not, she needs to start.
There's a book called Sex For One by Betty Dobson --- aka the Mother of Masturbation. Check it out...helpful for you, too.
Masturbation is a sure fire way to get psyched for sex. She'll know what turns her on...so will you, after she shows you.:)
Lots of foreplay and lube! Also just be patient with her.
Where has your GF obtained her sex education? Somebody with equally little knowledge but having good intentions of preventing her from getting STD's or pregnant. Somebody(s) may have planted some falsehoods.
If you two have been virgins this long. May as well stay that way and get married.
Yeah, because, you know, they won't have this problem after slapping two rings and a piece of paper on the situation.
Idiot.
ditto!
Agreed. It hurt for several weeks after I first had sex, but the more you do it, the quicker the pain subsides.
I suppose I have to spell it all out for you.
#1 The girl has to get the correct info.#2 Duh....of course a couple of rings and a signed sheet won't solve the info part. Other than she will will likely be more relaxed and feeling less guilty. Being tense while having sex, how would that help things?
I dont think your comment was stupid at all. I understood what you were saying. Im sure other people do as well. Who wouldnt be more relaxed once youre married. In my opinion.
Go ahead, spell out where in this post it says that she feels guilty or tense about having premarital sex. I'll wait.
This woman is saying, outright, that having waited as long as she has for sex is making her nervous, and here your solution is to wait longer.
I swear, lifeguard, I don't know how you function in life without a helmet.
Have an honest discussion about why she doesn't want to. Unless you know exactly why she scared you're not getting anywhere. If she wants to then, you'll figure it out. If more info than that's no biggie. If she wants to wait till you're married, that's between you and her.
It's good that you haven't pressured her, it shows how respectful you are and that you love her.
For all those who insist on harping on each other, are you serious? You want people to respect your view, respect theirs!
I don't think she has anything to be scared of! My first time didn't hurt at all, and in the moment it was an exhilarating experience. I can see where she's coming from, though. Throughout High School & College I had a total fear of penetration and I didn't even date in those years. Sex was a terrifying thought for me.
I would check to see if there are any past experiences that might've turned her off sex, whether it was education, the moral/guilt-mongering, or if she knew someone who had bad experiences, abuse, etc. My sister has a terrible & long history of violent & perverse sex (since she lost her virginity at the age of 12...voluntarily no less!!!) and I think her behavior was a big turn-off for me. I didn't want sex to be the horrible slutty thing that she had taught me it was.
Masturbation will help. Toys will help. Fingering might help?
But if she's really scared maybe you should talk to someone outside of your relationship for sex counseling.
This is just something I noticed, that no one else has brought up -
First of all, it's different for everyone. I had very little pain the first time, and now, years later, if I've gone for awhile with no sex, it still hurts about that same amount - but it's a very good, pleasurable pain, and it lasts about half a second (only as long as it takes my husband to enter me).
Something that I suspect makes a huge difference is whether or not she uses tampons (sorry if that's personal, or uncomfortable, but you are asking about what might help). They act more or less similarly to the toy idea, by mimicing penetration, and (in my opinion, anyway) are infinitely more comfortable than pads.
As you aren't married, and as you are still young, please don't forget to think about protection - I suggest both condoms and birth control, but that's something she should talk to her doc about. You can buy lubed condoms, until my hubby and I got married, it's the only kind we used. I highly recommend them.
I hope this helps - oh and don't pay attention to the pre-marital sex argument. It's entirely up to you to make your own decisions about that. I don't see that it makes one ounce of difference, as long as you two are committed to each other - just be careful.
For me and most of my close girlfriends it did not hurt the first time. At her age, if she has led a relatively active lifestyle, or uses tampons, the chances of the hymen, or the "virgin membrane" being broken are relatively high. So I don't really think her being a virgin will be your main problem, but the tension she has created in her mind by waiting so long and being afraid of the potential pain is. When we girls are tense, not only are we unlikely to get wet, but we also get much tighter and that can increase the chance of discomfort during intercourse.
So in addition to the advice already given, my advice would be do whatever it takes to get her to relax. Take a hot bath together, have a glass of wine (but don't get drunk!), give her a soothing massage, and take it nice and slow. Foreplay is essential, and a lubed condom should provide the lubrication needed, but having some extra lube handy just in case is a good idea.
And don't be afraid to laugh a little. First times are usually very awkward and a little laughter and silliness can work wonders in breaking some of the tension.
hope some of this helps and that the two of you work it out!
It didn't hurt AT ALL for me, like NONE, in fact, I was like "wait, is that the big deal? Wasn't it supposed to hurt?" (in my head, of course, I think that would have really been mean to mention at the time
). I don't know if this makes a difference, but I was 16, trusted my boyfriend, and we had done a lot of "stuff" before the big event.
You said you've done "other stuff," has that included penetration with your fingers? her fingers? maybe start there...
Chandler Bing
"Everyone makes mistakes. Hell, history's full of 'em. Betamax... Waterworld... your brother who's 16 years younger than you... And there's really no shame in making mistakes. Just as long as nobody knows about them."
Greg the Bunny