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Was I too harsh? (long)
I am very lucky to have a great, close relationship with my parents. They lived in Florida after they retired but after DD was born they moved back home to be closer to their grandchildren. I see them once a week and I speak to my mom daily. My mom can be a pill at times but it's nothing I can't handle.
A couple weeks ago my mom went into the hospital for what she described "spasms in her throat". My mom is 62 and this was her first medical crisis ever. She hasn't been in a hospital since she delivered me 33 years ago. They did every test known to man and the final diagnosis was she had reflux. She was given medicine for it and discharged.
Well, since then she has not left her house. We are talking about someone who was pretty active her whole life and has done a complete 180. She is afraid to leave the house because she may have an "episode" She has bailed on 3 events since her discharge from the hospital. She has pretty much alienated herself from people, from the outside world (I'm sorry, I'm really not trying to sound dramatic here). She also has my dad making the phone calls for her when she bails on things (showers, mostly) when it should be her responsibility.
Finally, on Sunday I had a talk with my dad. I told him that mom has a serious issue and she needs to get help. She should not be bed-ridden for reflux. I told him I'm tired of calling the house just to hear she is sitting on the couch watching tv, I'm tired of her bailing on things (that were important to me) and that he is enabling her behavior. I told him that she really needs to see a therapist because if she doesn't, she may never leave the house again. And, since they depend on each other (although my dad is slightly more independent) he'll be stuck doing the same thing. I think my dad got angry with me for saying that because he was quick to get off the phone with me and I have not heard from either of them since.
I know that it is probably a MYOB type thing, I am just so worried for my mom. I guess I am afraid she might be falling into a depression quickly and I think the only person who can get through to her is my dad and he kind of bows to her because she is the type who takes criticism as personal attacks so everyone walks on egg shells around her.
I'm sorry this is long, I really needed to vent. I just need some brutal honesty. Was I wrong? If I was I will call and apologize to my dad for what I said I just never had to deal with this before and I guess I'm not ready for my parents to become needy yet.
Re: Was I too harsh? (long)
I guess there could be. I think the only reason I think that there isn't is because when she bailed on my best friend's baby shower she had just gotten out of the hospital 3 days before. My dad had said to me he's going to let it go this time but she needs to start getting out again. I was under the assumption she was afraid of having an episode while being out. then she decided to bail on my friend's bridal shower the next weekend, which I don't care if she doesn't want to go, I am just worried that this is more than her being afraid her reflux is going to act up and my dad is not having the talk with her like he said he would.
You have a point though, there very well could be something else going on that they are not telling us. Which if there is, then I will feel like a jerk
I don't know that you were "too harsh" at all, but I think you've expressed your thoughts, and now you need to sit back and let your parents handle this. If you were in the midst of a depression, do you think it would be helpful for your parents to call your DH and demand that he force you to "snap out of it"? No, it probably wouldn't be all that helpful - to either your, or your H.
If your mom has never had a major medical emergency until now, maybe she's terrified. If she felt like it was "spasms of the throat" maybe she's worried about having whatever "it" was again, while in public.
Or, maybe there is something else going on. (Sounds like there may be, to me.) Either way, it is now between her and HER husband to work it out.
Good luck - I'm sure it is not an easy position for you to be in, but I do think that you've done all you can, for now.
Perhaps there is more to the story, but I think you are being a little harsh here. If this was the first time she has been in the hospital in over 30 years and had a health scare, it make take her some time to move on from that traumatic experience. Being in the hospital is not easy and there are a lot of things that go on there that are uncomfortable for many people. Perhaps she is finally faced with the idea that she could have a medical emergency or that she is getting older and faced with the fear of death.
IMO I think the fact that she missed YOUR friends baby shower hardly qualifies as horrible behavior. Especially if it was only a few days after this traumatic event. If you don' t know your mom to be like this normally than I would think perhaps you should be a little more understanding of what she is going through - whether you know or understand the details or not.
Maybe you are upset at seeing your mother in this state and are misdirecting the feeling of helplessness into anger directed at her. It's really difficult to feel powerless in a situation, especially over something like what your mother is going through.
I was asking because I agree with you that it is strange that something seemingly minor could have such an extreme impact on her. So, maybe there is more to it than they are letting on.
I agree with MKESweetie that you were probably not too harsh, but you've said your piece and it's time to back off.
It seems like she has an aversion to being out in public, so maybe offer some "just the two of you" mini-dates, like walks- just something to get her out of the house. I also don't think you should give up on inviting her to things just because she is saying "no" or backing out on you. Don't count on her presence, but still invite her. She will get the message that she is loved and wanted and that is important.
ETA: You might even send her a card just to say that you know she is going through a hard time right now and you love her.
doglove - you make very valid points that I have failed to see. This probably was a very traumatice experience for her and I know I should give her time. In fact, like I said it wasn't the fact that she missed the shower(s) it was more for the fact that she won't even leave the house. I just wanted to stress to my father that I am worried she may not snap out of it.
I know from this point it is between my mom and my dad and I intend on staying out of it. I will apologize to my dad about the way I acted as well. I never meant to come across angry, just worried. I always thought my mom needed therapy for a long time for various things and I just thought this would be a great time to maybe suggest it to her. I know, now it really isn't my place to decide
Unfortunately, it's not your place to decide, you can really just be a supporting daughter who has said your piece to your dad. Perhaps this trip to the hospital triggered all the various things that's been going on in your mom's life (I'm assuming you know what these are) and maybe they've immobilized her based on fear rather than rocketing her forward to tackle those issues.
Hopefully she'll pull out of it in time and will want to move forward. I wish I had better advice for you!
No you actually gave great advice. I never thought about seeing it from a way that I needed to give her time because this is the first time she had to deal with it. I was looking at it in a way that she should feel lucky that this is the first time she has had to deal with it and it's not serious.
So I decided to call my dad and just reiterate that I was worried and I am sorry if I came across as a brat. My mom answered the phone and she said they were out running errands and that she is feeling better today. It was the first conversation we had in over a week. This made me feel better that she got out of the house.
A little late to the game, but wanted to add my thoughts. I don't blame you for being concerned and for saying something. A lot of what you're describing, DH and I have been living w/ for over 10 years w/ his mom. She went through a batch of serious health issues (subdermal hematoma, breast cancer, kidney transplant) in the late 90's/ early 2000's.
She is not the same woman she was back then - and it's sad. A big part of it is depression. And now we're to a point where it's kind of like "what came first, the chicken or the egg?".
She can be very mean and nasty to FIL, and even he admits he enables her. Does he enable her to avoid her nastiness, or is she nasty because she's used to getting her way?
She never wants to go anywhere anymore, and even if FIL gets a chance to go see family (we went last summer to Chicago for a wedding), she calls and creates all these issues that supposedly mean he has to come rushing home immediately. So now I think he even wonders if it's worth going away w/o her because she's going to call him incessently and make his return home unpleasant.
W/ your mom, it's only been a couple weeks. So, sure, give it some time. But at the same time, be careful about sitting back quietly for too long. With us, it's to a point where FIL is really kind of in this alone now - he has even said to DH that if DH were to try to talk to her, it would only result in her lashing out at him later for talking about her.
He's totally backed into a corner now and I dont' think he knows what to do and we don't know what we can do to help. And I feel really sorry for him! I think he (they!) envisioned retirement being about traveling, etc. His brother and wife travel all.the.time all over the world. China, Africa, Hawaii, Europe. I know it's killing him that he can't do this too! This is what he wanted for him and MIL. But now he's stuck at home w/ a wife who doesn't want to do anything and is very nasty towards him.
You don't want it to get this bad!
Health issues can really throw a good punch and between that and dealing w/ the fact you're getting older - it can really take its toll on people.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't know why you talked to your dad on the phone. Why didn't you just go over and have a heart to heart with your mother? You know, point out your conserns, listen, ask for suggestions to help, follow-through with what she wants/needs.
Recruiting your dad to fix your mother seems kind of pointless. Why wouldn't you offer your consern and support directly to your mother?
if this is her first health issue give it more tahn a couple of weeks for her to get used to it. sometimes when its a first issue it scares the hell out of people. she needs time to get used to the issue. we went through this with my grandma as well-except she was 84 before she had her first health issue. give her time. in the meantime you MUST find ways to make her feel comfortable. bring take out over instead of going out for dinner etc...
i agree also-talk to your mom directly, not your dad.