May 2008 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Male Friends Poll
The subject of Dr. Phil today...
Do you have any close guy friends? Is this appropriate when you're married? Why? Why not?
Me:39 Dx LPD, Fibroid, AMA and all that goes with that. H:37 Dx low motility and low morphology. TTC since 3/12. Clomid 8/12 and 9/12: BFN. 11/12 on a break for Myomectomy sched. 11/26. Resume TTC early 2013.
Re: Male Friends Poll
.*. We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by finding an imperfect person perfectly .*.
Of course I do.
Totally appropriate, IMO. What...are we supposed to dump all of our guy friends when we get married? I guess I just don't get what the big deal is and why Dr. Phil needs to make a whole show out of it.
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it's kind of about emotional affairs. it's not really a whole show about the topic, it's more about one couple and whether her friend is appropriate or not.
Same and Tim still has some female friends that he is close with. Our friendships were never anything more than just feiends, which is why it's easy and stress-free.
I say appropriate - I'm not judging, but I think inappropriate = jealousy & insecurity.
Considering that my close guy friends are the ones to introduce H and I, they are definitely still in our lives. I've never ever been attracted to them, and they feel the same about me.
There is 1 friend that I could see causing issues for H and I. We went to high school together, he was 2 years younger and I had a serious crush on him my senior year. He decided to date another girl, and by the time they broke up he didn't want to date me since I was leaving soon for college. By the time he made it over here for college I was dating H. We've stayed in contact over the years, and he came to our wedding. I've never hidden the feelings I have for him from H, but at the same time I've made it clear that I've been with H for almost 8 years, chose to marry him and have a child with him. I'm not going to throw that away on something I'm not even sure would work out.
H has made it clear that he's not jealous and that he trusts me. This friend hasn't tried to start anything or been inappropriate around me. It's more lingering attraction on my part.
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hmmm. this is a toughy. I think it's specific to each relationship, all in all...my perspective... I've normally been the naive one when it comes to this - but i've seen it happen to a good friend...where they trust, trust, trust...and then there was heartbreak (meaning : her boyfriend + her good friend = DOUBLE OUCH type of hurt).
Nuff said.
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I totally agree!
Bella's Bistro - My Dairy Free Food Blog
I think it's appropriate depending on the situation. If H or I had opposite friends before being married and continue to be friends it's fine. Now if he made a friend at work and they started hanging out alone together other than at work or lunch I'd find it odd.
I guess I'm kind of sensitive to this b/c I had a work BFF that was a guy and it was all fine and dandy until we went to a conference OOT and he asked me to go in the hot tub in his room...um...no thanks.
FWIW I don't have any really close guy friends that leave near us. I do have one I talk to on the phone occasionally, but H doesn't care and I wouldn't either.
Agreed. I just have never had close friendships with any guys. Dh was close with some girls, and he's always been up front and honest about any communication they have and/or anything they meet up or run into each other. Because of his honesty, I'm not threatened or worried.
But I definitely think the friendships have to come 2nd to your marriage. And also to set and be aware of boundaries in your friendships with the opposite sex...affairs don't always happen over night.
I'm a social person, so I have lots of acquaintance type friends (both genders)-- and I tend to keep them forever. So I'd say I have a fair amount of casual male friends.
I'd grab a coffee/beer with them or share a laugh (or ten) after a boring staff meeting, etc. But I wouldn't call them close friends in the sense of intimacy (not sexual, OF COURSE, but I mean in terms of I wouldn't tend to share really private stuff). Then again, I'm a pretty private person, so there are very few people I share private stuff with (my H, my sister, one or two close friends, who happen to be female).
H knows how I am and couldn't be more trusting. It's like the anti-jealousy (ie bordering on the indifferent
). He really doesn't care a whit.
I'll admit it, I've got a double standard! I wouldn't be thrilled if H spent lots of one-on-one hanging time w/ another women. It's irrational and stupid, he's a freakin' altar boy, but it's true. My own insecurities or jealousy, I guess. Happily, H isn't particularly social/ doesn't have such female friends or want them. So we all win.
The bottomline for me is, is a guy legitimately your friend ie you like him for him but would be thrilled for him to meet the right girl or is he your "friend" in that, I need flirt and seek male attention and I love the drama kinda way.
All my guy friends are for sure friends, no drama, no flirting on the part of either side.
This is exactly how I feel
.*. We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by finding an imperfect person perfectly .*.
I think this is where H and I being close friends for 2 years before we started dating came in handy. We were friends for so long before we got together we knew everything about each other and most of our post-HS friends were mutual.
My best male friend and I have been friends since the 10th grade and although I've known both of them since the 9th grade, H and I never really talked more than a passing "hey" in school until after we graduated.
All three of us ended up at the same college and the three of us hung out together all the time, sometimes together, sometimes separately.
I don't see why males and females should have to sacrifice their opposite sex friends just because they get married. My H and I trust each other and know each other well enough for it to not be a problem. Sure my MBFF and I aren't as close as we once were, but none of that has to do with us being married.
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When I was on night shift I had a very close male friend that I worked with. He is my father's age and is married with a teenage son. Total non threat. We'd go to breakfast in the mornings after work together. We'd also occasionally go to lunch during the day when our spouses where at work. Him and his wife came to our wedding. When I changed hospitals and got a day shift job he followed me to the new hospital shortly there after. Since we have both been on dayshift we dont hang out as much anymore. He is now working mon-fri 7am-4pm in a different department then me. I miss him. Even H said to me not to long ago "You dont talk to J as much as you use to".
H was close to a female manager at a different store in his company. He talked to her on the phone on a daily basis about work stuff. They car pool together when the go to meetings and retreats. It doesnt phase me in the least bit. She is married and apparently her husband is a douche. He is very controlling and doesnt like her talking to any other men. H came home to me and was like "I dont get it. Its no different then the relationship you had with J". I told H he needed to be very careful and he should probably put some distance between himself and her. Not that I would ever worry about H doing something inappropriate but this woman's H sounds a lot like my father. When a man is crazy possessive any little thing could set them off. I have noticed since we had that talk he doesn't seem to talk to her as much anymore.
I think this is a very gray area. I wouldn't say that I think it's as easy as saying either you're completely trustworthy and open or insecure and jealous.
I think it really depends on each situation.
If you were good friends with the person before your H or in his case with you then totally acceptable.
If you were all friends even more.
If they weren't friends before we got together and say it was a work buddy and they started having drinks after work I'd absolutely not like that and find that odd.
But I think it's also the friend in question as well.
I have one friend who technically knew H before we were friends and before I was with H but just casually. We're now best friends and I trust them both so much that I would not mind if he was down where she lives on a sales call if they had lunch or a drink together. With that said she'd be about the only one.
I know that H would trust his guy friends but if I started talking about some random guy whether I work with him or not and wanted to do that he'd have a problem and I could understand that.
I don't think it's fair on any side to ditch friends unless they come onto you or something and then you have a whole other issue haha