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Update - Today's Counseling
Funny thing... Today, without any prodding from me, our therapist decided to focus on control issues. He started by pointing out that marriage is a choice and if you choose to be in a marriage, you are responsible for making that choice. Then he continued on to attempting to control someone else's actions and it is not how successful marriages work, the only person you can control is yourself and to attempt otherwise is not being responsible for your choices. How refreshing it was to have someone say that to H that wasn't emotionally connected!
He also told H point blank, that he needed to accept that I don't do things the same way that he does and if it bothers him so much, he should just do it himself. And reinforced that anger management is a must for him.
We dove into the anger management thing a little deeper and I was able to tell him without (immediate) backlash that getting his anger and abusive behavior under control was a condition of my choice to continue to be married to him. Wow! I thought he understood that was the main reason I left, but it felt really good to say it like that with no excuses, not waivering, just straight forward and that is the way it is. It was like a glimpse into how "grown ups" communicate! There was no name calling, no yelling, none of those things that I've gotten used to! Of course I'm back at work now, so it remains to be seen whether or not there will be backlash when I get home. But at least now he knows in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable to me and hopefully he realizes that lashing out when I get home is not going to help. If not, I've let my feelings be known, I've issued the ultimatum so to speak. If he chooses not to change, then the consequences of his actions should not be a surprise.
Its the strangest thing, even though I spend a lot of time in our appointments in tears, I always leave feeling energized rather than exhausted... I wonder if it's because I feel like I have a safe place to speak my true feelings and have H hear them...
Re: Update - Today's Counseling
I'm curious as to what will happen if he does lash out at you tonight. What do you plan to do about it? If you do nothing or get in an argument about it, then your words today mean nothing. You will essentially be telling him that it IS acceptable.
That's some pretty great preparation. Enjoy this moment of satisfaction, planning and ownership. You deserve it. Don't give up either. You've come a long way, have further to go, and can do it.
Thank goodness your therapist was smart enough to focus on control issues. It gives some hope he's a good professional.
Take heart if you hit a rocky spot but don't eat sh!t. Never again!
I do have to admit, I can be pretty organized when I put my mind to it, and leaving so abruptly last time (although I thought I had a plan in place) made me realize that more planning was definitely in order! There was so much I hadn't really taken the time to prepare! I decided that if I was in a position again where I felt like I needed to leave, I was leaving for good. So I'd better make sure I was prepared to follow through.
The more I read about abuse (although with one exception, the abuse has been completely verbal) the more important it becomes for me to prepare. I felt guilty for doing it for a while, like I was being decietful and thus not really putting my heart in to my marriage, but the more I read and the more research I did, I realized that it was the responsible thing to do for myself and my son.
I'm glad you have a plan in place. It sounds like the counseling sessions have gotten you to start changing your thinking.
Best of luck to you and your child.
well two sessions now you were very apprehensive and "negative" (I think those were your words) and were pleasantly suprised that things were not worst possible scenario...despite going into these very nervous and unsure, I don't feel like that is holding you up from progress and despite normal concerns you are very open to the process...
WOW, we are all relieved at your back up plan...you are so smart
I really think you are doing great...but please stay in communication with us even if you don't have "good" news to share, we can take the good with the bad and still support you!
The fact that you need to worry about backlash from a counseling session and need a safe place to speak your true feelings tells me you should not be living with this man until these anger management issues are 100% under control. You should never have to fear backlash after what you say in a counseling session, that doesn't seem very re-assuring that he's making an effort to change.
Glad to hear it, and I would love an update as to what happens. I hope he surprises you and you can continue on this path of self-awareness.
Baby Pictures and any photos you really cherish take those.
My only regret when I had to leave with the children is that I forgot the baby pictures. It's a huge gaping reminder of my failure to plan whenever any teacher asks for a baby picture for what ever project.
And any teacher reading this: please have a backup plan for children without baby pictures.
Does your family have any pics? DH's stepmom cut up all of the photos of DH as a baby (and any other photos with DH's mom). SIL went to other relatives and asked if they kept anything. A few people sent pics to her.
I went a little nuts with my scanner when I bought it a few years ago and scanned almost every picture I've ever taken as well as some that people have given me. So I have electronic copies of all those. I may not have the hard copies but they are easily replaced.
I DO however, need to remember to grab my mother's antique locket, and a few small things that cannot be replaced. So, thank you for that reminder. Unfortunately, that will have to wait as they are displayed in the hall way and H will most definitely notice if they are missing.
BTW, Last night was a wonderful, relaxing evening. Quite possibly the most pleasant in a long time! H greeted me at the door with a big hug and a kiss, made dinner and did the dishes with a smile on his face, DS was in a great mood, and H even surprised me by making a comment about how our son is truly special and we were "blessed" to have him! (H is about as NON religious as you can get. So, the blessed comment was more than a little out of character, but since I was raised very religious it was nice to hear).
I'm not ready to let my guard down yet, and he knows it, but it was nice to actually enjoy each other's company for a change.