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Hello.
First and foremost, I can not find the post with log in for itsamystery so I made another one up. This gets really personal, and I do not want personal information out, I am sure you girls will understand.
My life crumbled into pieces last Sunday at about 3:00 AM. I woke up to my husband sobbing. When I finally got him to talk, he told me he wanted a divorce. At this point I was half asleep and unsure of what is going on. He told me I am depressed and not the person he married. He can not deal with me like this. I am angry all the time, snippy, and he said my attitude is not attractive.
I couldn't believe it, I sat in confusion all morning long. I'm far from depressed. I may be snippy, but I am very stressed at work, and going through a bunch of stuff right now. I let it go, and told him as I left for work in the morning that I would talk to him that night.
Needless to say my day at work didn't go so well. I had to take 3 xanax's just to calm down, and at the point I sat in my chair staring at the wall until 5:00pm. I got home passed out and woke up the next morning. We didn't talk for almost 48 hours. When we finally did, he still wouldn't budge and said he was serious. It didn't make sense to me, and still doesn't. We still live together, sleep in the same bed. (I refuse to sleep anywhere else). At this point I feel I have a roommate and that's it.
I look at "warning signs". We had problems before we got married, but we agreed to leave those things in the past and move on. Money has been a problem, but we were working through it. (I actually just paid the last payment on our last credit card, so now we are 100 % debt free-- which may be a good thing right now). I have had some things happen to me in the last few years, that people say have changed me-- but for the better. I just don't get it. Sure we are different in things, but isn't every couple? we try to go on date nights, when we can. We always have a good time.
I still haven't figured out what changed. The last week has been miserable and hard. I am trying to put pieces together, and it's not fitting together. It's so hard. I didn't believe in therapy. I'm on the "you can't change people" boat, but I guess now that it has happened to me I can't wait to meet with my new therapist tomorrow. I also have a friend who's mother works for a group that does retreats. He has agreed to go on one with me. We go the end of April. I am not sure if I can make it that far without knowing the real reason.
I have the best support of friends I can ask for. They have all been amazing and I'm so blessed. One has suggested he is doing this for attention. I can definitely see that since I'm so busy with my work that I barely have time to sleep. I hope I find answers.
I really needed to get this out off my chest, if you made it this far thank you.
Re: Hello.
First of all, I am really, really sorry that you are going through this. Are his reasons ones that he's just sprung upon you now, or has he expressed them before? I'm really glad to hear that you two are going on a retreat at the end of April. Is there anyway that you can go to some therapy sessions before then? I really hope that you guys can talk it through and work things out.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. {{{hugs!!!}}}
Mrs. Little Drew 10/25/08
Blog
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Wow. I'm very sorry to hear this. I can't imagine haven't something sprung on me unexpectedly like that. I wish I had some profound advice or solution for you. Obviously it's good that he's willing to go on the retreat with you - that tells me that he's not throwing in the towel without first trying to save the marriage. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I really hope that it's not over and that you two are able to pull through this.
Oh and the log-in info post for ItsAMystery was deleted after a couple of weeks to prevent crazies from logging into it and messing with us. I have the info if anyone needs it.
Wow, I'm really sorry.
I hope therapy helps, even if you just go yourself. I know it was a great tool for friends of ours just to communicate better with each other.
Wives Unscripted
{{hugs}} I'm so sorry. I agree that "you can't change people," but people can definitely change themselves if they want to -- and it's great that YH is open to changing, or at least looking at your marriage in a helpful way and willing to work on it. Even if he's doing this just to get attention, it's important to give him the attention he needs if you want to keep your marriage. If he's not getting what he wants out of your marriage, then he'll move on. It is possible that you have changed into a person that you like, but he doesn't -- it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you; but if you like the changes, then either he's going to have to get used to them or you two might not be together for much longer (unless you can change back; if that's possible).
We're here for you if you need to talk about it more -- just b/c we all got married in Oct 08 doesn't mean that we all have to still be married to participate on the board.
i am so sorry that you are going through this. i hope you are able to work through it. i agree with rebecca.
i will be sending t&p's your way and hope you find what makes you both happy. please feel free to vent away whenever you need to. xo
Zoey Emma 08.18.10
What a rough thing to deal with. It's nice to read that he's willing to go on the retreat with you, and that you woke up to him crying over this. He's obviously struggling with this situation as well,and showing emotions towards it means there is still attachment, which means there can still be hope that it'll work out.
People change throughout the course of their lives, whether we mean to or not. Every day we grow and change, and become different people. There's a quote I read once that I keep tucked away in the back of my mind every day. "Marriage/true love is falling in love with the same person over and over again." Not saying that every time you see them you fall in love all over again.. although I'm sure for some people that may be the case.. but to me, it's you fall in love with the same person over and over again as they change throughout your life together. And, unfortunately, that's not the case for everyone.
I hope the retreat and counseling bring you to a place where you can accept/deal with this, whether it's working things out to stay together, or a separation. We're here for you through the good and the bad. And just as previously stated, you dont have to be married to participate on this board. We're a great support system, and you are more then welcome to use and abuse us. (Some of us even like it,
)
I'm a breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, anti-CIO Mommy
Raising Bean
Wives Unscripted
Married my hero on 10-11-08
Our bean was born on 05-19-11
Oh I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I hope that therapy, changes in both you and your DH , and the retreat you can work through this..
I will be praying for you !!!!
My stomach was in knots just reading your post. I can't imagine what that would be like but I hope that something can be worked out to save your marriage.
Can you think of any other underlying reasons besides what he told you as being the reason? Had you not woken up when would he have told you (would he have woken you up??)
::hugs::
I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. I agree with the other poster that said that it must have been a tough decision for YH to make as he was crying over it.
I do hope the retreat helps you both either work through these issues (well begin to) or come to accept that separation will be best for you. I can't imagine all the different emotions you are feeling with all of this.
I also agree that you should really seek out counceling for yourself, which I think you mentioned you were doing. I think that will really help you make it through this difficult time. We are all here to help you/talk whenever you need it. Whether you want to reveal your identity or not. And i will echo others, you don't have to be marred to stay a part of this board, so please don't feel like you would have to leave us if things don't workout with YH.
{{hugs}}
My Knot Bio My Blog
Oh my gosh, how much pain and confusion you must be in! I'm so sorry to read this...
Here's the thing to think about with therapy: It's not about changing people. It's about helping to dissect what's really going on, helping to find a different way to communicate, and helping to figure out how to move forward in a different way (both from actions or merely from a new perspective) to understand how each of you are contributing to your current lives. It's not about change; it's about getting professional help for navigating through the the challenging times when you need more skills than you currently possess.
I'm glad to hear he is agreeing to go on the retreat with you -- that should help open up communication, for sure!
Good luck, and you have all our thoughts...
Brie's Blog 10.11.08 The Top Shelf Bookshelf
my read shelf:
This. I'm really sorry you have to go through this, I don't know what I would do. I think there's been some good feedback here though.
I think everyone else has pretty much said it all. I am so sorry you are going through this. Marriage is hard, that is for sure, but that is a good thing that your husband is at least willing to go to the retreat. I agree with someone else who asked, is there anyway you all might be able to get to a therapist before then though? Maybe some time will help, but it also might make things fester and get worse if you guys are not talking about your problems and just ignoring them.
I know we went through a rough patch a few years ago and it was mostly me that was having the problem and it helped to have Ben standing strong in our marriage. It made it easier to get through when one of us had our feet planted firmly where they needed to be.
Like everyone else said, feel free to talk to any or all of us whenever you need to. That is what we are here for. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!!
October 11, 2008
Trusty Gal blog|Trusty Tales
Welcome to the dark side
DD: 6-24-11
EDD: 9-20-14
This. I'm sorry you are going through this. T&P's heading your way, along with a big hug.
ETA: TN ate my post before I was done typing.
Alexander David
11.25.09
my blog
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I had my first therapy session alone today. It's so nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't know me. haha. It went well. We didn't get to involved in what is going on however she would like to see me twice a week, and after a few weeks get DH to come once a week with me.
Thank you to all who emailed me, I appreciate it and will get back to you shortly..
Hugs and Kisses
First, I'm so, so sorry that I'm days late in replying to this.
I hate to hear that you're going through this - I wish there were some words that I could say that would make it better or easier. Everyone here has already done such a wonderful job offering support and love, and please know that I feel the same way.
I hope so much that things get better for you. Please know that I'm sending tons of love & hugs. If it's ok with you, I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
If there's every anything you need or someone to talk to, you know you can feel free to PM/email/FB/smoke signal me.
BFP on 2.2.11