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need advice on parent situation - please!
I am an only child, and my parents chose to have me late in life, so while I am only 30, my parents are in their 70's. In addition to this, they have not taken care of their health: my dad is overweight and my mom falls in the morbidly obese category based on BMI. This has greatly affected both of my parents' health. My mom has had 2 strokes and had to have major surgery for an aortic aneurysm a few years ago (she also smoked for ~40 years). My dad just had major heart surgery to fix two valves and a bypass.
The problem is that, despite all of the health issues that can be partially attributed, at the very least, to unhealthy eating and lack of sufficient exercise, my parents still do not believe that they have any responsibility for their health problems and are therefore doing nothing to change their behavior in order to improve their health. This is particularly an issue with my mom, who insists she eats a healthy diet (she is currently staying with us while my dad is in the hospital, so I know this isn't actually true) and therefore can't understand why she isn't losing weight. She has even switched doctors multiple times because they insist that she needs to eat healthier and exercise more to lose weight, and since, in her mind, she's already doing these things, these doctors must not know what they're talking about.
Every time one of my parents lands in the hospital, it falls to me to take care of things. My mom is severly handicapped (at least partially due to her weight), and so is staying with us while my dad is in the hospital. My husband and I have to drive her to and from the hospital each day (an hour each way) to see my dad, because she's not a great driver on a good day, not to mention when she's stressed and has to drive in a big city. When my dad gets out of the hospital, he will have to stay with us until he recovers enough to go home, since my mom is in no shape to help him.
And this brings me to my dilemma. I love my parents. I would like to see them live to old age and meet their grandchildren. And I want to be able to help them. But I also have my own life, a job, a husband, and sometime in the not to distant future we would like to have children. So them choosing to not take care of their health hurts me because 1) I know it will lead to their premature deaths and 2) I can't afford to drop everything as the health problems become more frequent if they continue to ignore their health. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I hate having to sit back and watch someone I love continue a behavior that is killing them. And also, selfishly, I have my own needs and goals in life that are being hindered by someone else's "bad behavior."
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? Do you have any advice for how to deal with this? I realize I am enabling the behavior to an extent by helping them so much when these things happen, but how can I just let them suffer when it's my parents?
Re: need advice on parent situation - please!
Yes... well not identical.... but similar.
I am an only child as well. My father was an only child as well. He was an alcoholic and when he got end stage liver failure I was the one who had to take care of him.... alone. His mother had Alzheimers.... and I had to take care of her too.
Denial is a Powerful thing. You can't talk logic to someone who is in severe denial.... which it sounds like your parents are in.
Has anyone assigned your parents a social worker?
And what happens with your parents is NOT YOUR FAULT. These were THEIR LIFE CHOICES.
And you should NOT feel guilty for wanting to live your life. I would also suggest that counseling might help you realize this. I wish someone would have pointed that out to me.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
As a PP has said - you don't have to have your mom in your home. She can have an aide come by and make sure she is ok. Check with social services.
And you are not obligated to drive your mom to the hospital every day. Sometimes they have services that will do that, or you can take her to the bus stop, or let her skip go a day without seeing your dad.
Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry you had to go through that. My parents are definitely in denial, and your suggestion about finding them a social worker is a good one - I'll look into that.
I know it's not my fault, but I do still feel guilty, even though I "know" I shouldn't. I am in counseling, and we are working towards me being able to let go of the guilt and feeling responsible. But it's so hard - they're my parents (as I'm sure you know).
Sit them down and tell them this:
And then follow it up with a discussion on how you are happy to help them, but there are conditions that come with your help. You will help them out as you are able, but your own stuff comes first. You will help with A, B, and C, if and only if they do 1, 2, and 3. (following a doctor's advice regarding a healthy lifestyle, etc.)
ETA: Yes to what PP said-- get some outside help for them.
Ditto on contacting your local Elder Services program in your area. There are probably many services that your parents can avail themselves of. Also, do your parents qualify for Medicare or other federal/state services?
You can't possibly do this alone. Seriously. Repeat that to yourself every day. There is a giant industry built around meeting the needs of the older population. Let them help you help your parents.
Maybe your counselor has some suggestions as to resources you could point them toward or contact? This is a tough situation, and I'm glad you have help to get thorough it because it is only going to get harder with time.
I don't have any good advice, I really just wanted to chime in and offer what little support a stranger on a message board can. Hang in there!
This sounds like a difficult situation that my cousin is experiencing with his father... who has cirrhosis of the liver, with bilirubin levels of 17 and currently in the hospital following a motorcycle accident. He is also a diabetic who does not take care of himself... we try to care for him, but sometimes you can only do so much.
I hope that an elder services program can assist you. It is difficult to not do everything you can for your family (particularly your parents). But I think it is important to keep the in mind that whatever you do, make sure it does not put a strain on your family or keeps you from being happy.
Your state government probably has some resources that could be helpful to you. In my state, there's an Office of Services for the Aging. I don't know what it would be called where you live but check with the state health or human services department. They might be able to help you find affordable home health care or respite care, or transportation for your mom.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to live your own life- that's something everyone is entitled to, and it sounds like you really do a lot for your parents. Please don't feel guilty about feeling burdened by your situation. I think you need to have some frank discussions with your parents. I doubt you will be able to make them understand the impact of their choices on their health, but maybe you can talk about ways to make things run more smoothly, enlist the help of other family members, and get some time for yourself. I don't know just how sick your dad is, but if it's not that serious, does she really need to see him every day? Would every other day work?
Given the state of their health and the frequency of care they need, I think they would certainly qualify to go into Assisted Living. It's a tough pill to swallow, but if they are in and out of the hospital, cannot take care of themselves alone, have limited transportation options to get to and from appointments, then they should no longer be living independently, in my un-professional opinion. It's just plain dangerous. Please do reach out to social services, but then have a very honest conersation with your parents explaining that there are limits to what you can and are willing to do for them. Hopefully they will see that you are trying to do what's best for everyone involved. GL!
Perhaps, the more you help them the less they see themselves needing to change. Why should your Mom take care of herself if you are going to come running. I hate to say it, but people don't die in order. Who knows what would happen to them if you were not around. You need to be straight with them and 'they're my parents' is not a reason for you to feel guilty for wanting to live your life. They lived theirs as they wanted and didn't feel guilty dumping this on their child.
Next time let them manage on their own.
I agree with Kel (Hi Kel!) - they sound like they are good candidates for assisted living. It will help them with the care that they need for their health issues and any other issues that develop down the road, and it also puts them in an environment where they can get the assistance they need to make good choices. Meals are generally communal and they prepare food based on your particular dietary needs (low salt/no salt, reduced calorie, etc) and have group activities they may benefit greatly from. They typically have shuttle services that go to various locations around town that they may need to go to (nearby churches, grocery, pharmacy, mall, etc.) so there is no longer a need to risk having them drive their own vehicle if you choose to do so.
I think it is natural that a lot of children end up parenting their parents at some point in their life but you're right - it isn't your fault and you can't blame yourself for the decisions they made. You CAN, however, help them start making good ones and help them get into a facility that is a good fit for them physically, medically, and emotionally.
The hospital PT/OT's have decided that my dad would do best in a rehab facility for 1-2 weeks before going home. The social worker is looking at facilities in my parents' area, which will mean I won't be responsible for the bulk of the care. And hopefully this means he will be in good enough shape on leaving that he'll be able to be discharged from rehab to his home, not mine.
Thanks again for all of the comments and advice, it is greatly appreciated.A couple of thoughts come to mind.
Boundaries would be the first step toward allowing them a measure of meaningful indpendence. It is not appropriate for you to be so enmeshed in their day to day life. Elderly and chroniclaly sick parents are a marathon. YOur need to pace yourself.
What, exactly, do you take away from this? People don't participate in this sort of exercise without some benefit to themselves. Counseling mighht help you uncover motivations that aren't necessarily entirely functional.
I think it would be useful to stop blaming the victims. Sure, they made some poor choices, but they started this road in an era when they were young and healthy and the risks weren't as real to them.
I live this. I am an only since my younger sister died. My father is deaf, blind in one eye, a functional alcoholic who survived CA and is on O2 at night. My mother has vasculitis, chronic reactive asthma, leaky heart valves, osteoporosis and is on bottled O2. I participate in the big stuff and allow them to manage the rest. We have a pretty good relationship.
You are enabling them, but you are not helping them. You are simply allowing your parents to move their "lifestyle" from one location (their house) to another (yours).
These are your parents! Your mother and father, who raised you and supported you throughout your life; the people who helped you to become the person you are today. In doing that, when they did not agree with a behavior you exhibited, did they simply let you continue? Or did they teach you the correct/better way to accomplish what you were trying to do?
They did not leave you alone to "suffer/learn the hard way," and you only should do the same for them. Teach them the better way to live, then you will be helping them.
It is clear that both of your parents are overweight, but I would refrain from the BMI labels unless your mother has the "ideal" body frame for her height at normal weight. The BMI scale does not take into consideration individual characteristics regarding bone density and muscular build. Also, the fact that your mother was a smoker does not seem to relate to the health issues she is experiencing, but she definitely needs some life changes (and she may be onto something with the new doctors).
The healthier diet is a MUST, and this is where you will have to be key! However, the aneurysm that your mother had was most likely due to build-up that could be reduced, controlled, or both with a cholosterol medication like Plavix - she may want to ask her doctor. You may also want to suggest that she see a neurologist in relation to her strokes, at least to check for abnormal activity and hormone/chemical levels (to see if they are stable or need adjusting). If these are off a lot of times they can lead to all kinds of symptoms - weight gain, weight loss, lack of energy, etc. They may also want to check for seizure activity - depending on how close together her strokes were and how severe they were. They do not tend to get better if another one comes...
Your dad's heart condition is very similar to the surgery my uncle had this past fall. He had 2 valves replaced and a triple bypass. He came through just fine. I would be hesitant to write all of this off to your dad's weight, as my uncle was the most active man I had eveer seen at 70 years old. He drove trailer trucks that hauled mobile stages every day, he built the stages in the morning, helped run the lighting and sound for concerts, broke down and packed away the stages, and came home again. He was up a 4 am and gone until 12 am almost every day. Then he had a heart attack in the truck.
Again, their lifestyle is clearly the issue, and while there may be some other things to look into, the biggest is changing their habits - Teaching then a new lifestyle!
So, while your mother is staying with you, regulate what she eats...put her on the diet that is eaten in YOUR house, do not just let her have whatever she wants. When she goes home, maybe you could do grocery shopping for her - then you control what goes into her house. You could swing by one day over the weekend and take your mom for a walk down the street. Every little bit helps.
In terms of your goals and your time, money, etc. Really think about your values and priorities. Do you really need to have a child next year? Or could you take those 52 weeks of time, split them up and spend it with your parents? Are they not then more likely to see their grandchild a year later? In terms of your job and money, you are able to take time from work under FMLA to care for yourself or a seriously ill family member, I suggest looking into it.
Your parents are not mis-behaving or behaving badly, they are displaying learned behavior - this is how they have learned to live/get by, they have never been punished for doing so (repeatedly) - and they have never been taught another alternative.
Teach them the alternative (slowly), and they will learn to behave in a manner that will improve their health and wellbeing, as well as your relationship.
I hope this helps,
L
I do think setting boundaries would be good but that doesn't mean you can't help them. I agree with others that they seem to be in a place in their lives where an assisted living facility would be most appropriate. It would be handicap accessible and be able to offer help with meal prep, cleaning, and medication management to help them stay on track. I think if they are bouncing in and out of the hospital, your home, and rehab centers, it's time to talk about an alternative that will be more stable.
I am glad to hear the social worker at the hospital is helping you find a rehab center for your dad, it definitely sounds appropriate, and they will help coordinate care for him at home, possibly some home health (nurse and a PT/OT to come out to the home to follow up). If he is not ready to go home by the time his rehab days are up he could go to a skilled nursing facility for further therapy and rehab under his Medicare
Your mom may also qualify for home health care if she has an appropriate diagnosis (sounds like she probably does) and is "homebound", which it sounds like she is without your help. HH care would help monitor her health and catch issues that crop up early, hopefully preventing a hospitalization.
Talk to your dad's social worker at the hospital about local resources. Call your local area agency on aging and ask what programs they offer that might help your parents. I really think getting a nurse out to their home would be a big help. Your dad will probably have a social worker at the rehab center too so they won't leave you to figure it out on your own.
*edit* a couple more thoughts popped in my head. Has your mom seen a dietitian? Maybe she would click better with one of those than with a doctor telling her what to eat. Also, home health care can include a social worker if the doctor orders it, that way there would be someone to help with further case management and maybe take a small piece of the burden off of you. Talk to your mom's PCP about getting a referral for home health. There are also geriatric care/case managers employed by many community organizations that you could look into to help you put together a plan.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
This advice is entirely useless unless your parents want you to be their teacher.
Or want to be infantilized and parented by their adult daughter. I suspect you will only get a headache from banging your head against a brick wall in frustration.