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Venting
So we went on our honeymoon. It was a span of 2 days in which time we had sex once. But we had a blast throughout the whole time.
But I guess my venting deals with my thoughts toward sex. I'm not a big fan of sex, I fake my orgasms, I don't deprive my H of sex, even though I'm not in the mood. I've noticed an extreme pattern going on with sex. We try new things but it doesn't give me a spark. With him, he's fine with new things (provided I do the work) but he'd prefer the same ol' same ol'. Our sex lasts an average of maybe 10 minutes almost every time. And I'm never nude.
I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face. Either it's over his head or he "forgets" and it's the same. I guess it doesn't matter to me since I get nothing from anything he does, but I get bored and I'm doing all I can to not express that. I prefer he just gets it over with so that I can sleep.
FTW, it's always been like this. I've been sexually active since I was 19 (I'm 26 now). I've always faked it, always distanced myself. I don't even see what's so great about sex. I'm fascinated by the subject more than the physical act. I find it boring to be honest, even when we're trying something new.
I guess it's a vent because I hear about the great sex people are having and I never know what that's like and it depresses me.
Re: Venting
First of all, you have got to stop faking it! How in the world is your H supposed to learn what feels good to you when he thinks he's doing a good job and getting you off?!
Second, masturbate. Find out what feels good to you and turns you on and then show your husband.
Nothing is going to get better if you continue to fake it. It's not fair to your H and it certainly isn't fair to you.
I wouldnt want to have sex with the man you described in an earlier post either!
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/49538572.aspx
So he's willing to try new things in bed if you do all the work...
Does he know you are unsatisfied in bed? What does he say about it?
Since you came here for opinions, I'd find a new H.
I've been faking ever since I started having sex, it's not going to change. I've told H what I thought were hot spots for me, ended up being cold.
I do masturbate. I fantasize about my H and I can have multiple orgasms, but when the actual moment when one of my fantasies come true, it ends up a dud.
And yet your H thinks he's hitting spots that work for you because you're faking it (and have been from the beginning). How the hell is he supposed to know that it isn't working if you're leading him to believe that it is?! You aren't giving him the chance to fix it if you're letting him think he's getting you off when he isn't. Like I said, not fair to either of you.
Individual therapy.
You need to understand why you distance yourself from such an intimate act. You need to understand why you have never insisted on your own pleasure from your lovers. You need to get back inside your own skin.
Your H can most likely sense that at the very least, you're not really into what you're doing when you're having sex - that's got to be a HUGE mood killer and would explain why he's not that interested in initiating or working at anything with you anymore. He must realize that you view sex with him as a chore. Ditto the suggestion for therapy, because you're not emotionally healthy.
Why bother doing it at all then? I wouldn't have sex if I didn't enjoy it, that's just stupid.
Maybe you don't like your husband very much. That would turn me cold.
Not trying to be rude here, but have you considered the fact that maybe you are gay? Maybe the reason sex doesn't do anything for you is because you're doing it with men.
Just a consideration. I'd also consider the counseling someone mentioned. There may be something from your past that you don't remember, are covering up, etc. Your attitudes towards sex in general are not ever going to promote a healthy sexual relationship, and a marriage without sex is not much of a marriage. It's like having a roommate.
I can assure you that I am not gay. If I could afford counseling, perhaps I would go.
When I started having sex, no one really cared about me. I was in a period of self-esteem issues (and still am) so I was sleeping around a little, but no one really cared about me. I was raped twice (once by my ex and once by this guy I semi-knew).
Yeah it's part of my feelings toward sex but I have a husband that act just like the others, why bother any effort? He rarely does anything. I guide his hands and he brushes me off. I love my H, he has issues while growing up and he was never taught anything by his parents. I have tried talking to him, showing him examples etc. There's just something in his nogging that's just not clickin'. I blame the Xanax.
Honey, based on this post, you have HUGE issues surrounding sex and sexuality. You can't afford NOT to get therapy. There are a lot of low cost and sliding scale therapists who would be willing to see you. You could contact RAINN http://www.rainn.org/ and see if there are resources in your area to help you deal with these issues. I would put money on the thought that a lot of your life will look better and brighter once you start to tackle these issues.
both of you need to seek professional assistance.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=6577949
I think you should read this advice about finding another partner who is as uninterested in sex as you are. I don't think it's fair to you or your H if you are not sexually compatible.
After reading your previous post, I just have to ask.....Is there anyway he is cheating?! It seems odd to me that he "disappears" so often & you haven't really mentioned that bothers you. My DH always lets me know where he's going or if he has plans. He works nights, sleeps during the day while I was working all day & sleeping at night. We always made sure to spend our time off together. I'm not saying every couple HAS to spend all their free time together but I would think you would both want to. I look forward to those days.
I am sorry to hear you are so unhappy. I know how tough that is. I spent 12 years of my life trying to force myself to be happy when I wasnt. That will eventually make you very unhappy! If you truly love your DH and want things to work out, go for Therapy! Good luck