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stepmother nightmare
I need some advice from those who have "been there" or have overcome an issue such as this, or are a counselor, or a therapist... or something!!
I am married and have a wonderful relationship with my husband. I have a stepmother (since I was 3) who simply hates - or seems to hate - me. For a while we began to get along, but just recently things started taking a turn for the worse again. Its like I walk on eggshells around her and if I say something just slightly "wrong," or that she finds offense in, she flips out.
The key here is that she has severe emotional issues. She is on medication for depression and she is bi-polar. I love my stepmother, none the less, and I can't break off communication with her because I have younger siblings (who still live at home) who I won't be able to talk to if this happens.
Currently, she claims that I am causing - and always have caused - problems with her marriage to my father (which is bizarre). It's one of those situations that looking from the outside in, one would think it is like being in Crazy Town. There is no reason for this to be happening, and I don't know how to handle this. My husband is getting stressed out about the whole deal and we want to start a family soon.
Is it wrong to cut off ties? How should I handle this? It's becoming very overwhelming. If anything - does anyone have any severe-stress-relief techniques???
Re: stepmother nightmare
Nope not wrong to cut off ties at all. I know you want a relationship with your siblings, but sometimes you own health and well being are more important. Plus, once you have children, I highly highly doubt she would treat them any better than she treated you. Maybe when they are out of the house you can seek out a relationship with them.
FWIW, I had a pretty mean step grandmother. I so wish that my parents cut off ties with her. She would say such horrible things about myself and my family. However, everyone just put up with her behavior for my grandfather's sake. Once I became an adult, I was the one to cut her out and really didn't care how it affected my grandfather. He was just as bad as she was for allowing her to treat us like that.
An American Girl's Travels
Ditto "where is your dad in all of this?"
Yes, you can cut ties with her without being kept away from your siblings. That's up to your dad.
It is perfectly reasonable for you to say to your dad "Dad, you know SMom has some serious mental / emotional problems, and that she has a problem with me. For the sake of peace, I do not want to come to the house anymore (or, I need to limit contact with SMom). I still love you and brother and sister, and would love to see them. How can we arrange this?"
Your dad does not need to make excuses to see his daughter, or to take his children to spend time with their sister.
Your dad is the issue here.
If he won't draw the line with his own wife (and trust me, he knows she is crazy), then he is not worthy to be your father. Seriously. I understand the whole "cleave to your wife" thing, but I also believe that a parent owes it to their children to shield them from nuttiness that the parent brought into their lives.
Reduce contact. I don't know how old your half siblings are, but if they can text or email, you needed worry about contact. If they believe the crazy, then they aren't worth your time.
Thanks, everyone... I thought I was being so rude by considering severing ties with her. But I realize that it might not be such a crazy thought... It would reduce a lot of stress for both myself AND my husband (who hates seeing me stressed about all of it).
Seriously - even though I don't know any of you, it's nice to have support!!
Thanks, again.
Sarah
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this.
Cutting ties I do believe is in order.... especially since your father won't stand up for you. That is just really sad.
You are better off without this woman in your life. Really.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
This is so wrong and I'm sorry he's not standing up for you and really being your dad.
I would just cut her off and not feel guilty about it. You can try to see your half siblings outside of the house. If you want to see your dad, you could try that too, but I don't know if I'd want to spend that much time with someone I couldn't respect. Because I couldn't respect someone who wouldn't stand up for me.
Good luck with everything.
I would cut her off.
However, you don't need to make a big announcement to cut people off. Don't make more drama of it than you need to! Just stop phoning her, don't make an effort to contact her. Call your dad at work. If your siblings are older and have FB pages or cell#s, call or text them on those (if they are older, maybe your dad will get them cells as an end game to allow you to contact your sibs without drama from stepmom). If you know she goes to Jazzercise on Tuesday night, call the house then. Skip family birthdays but tell your dad / siblings you'd love to take them out to lunch.
For the record, dh grew up in a different home than one of his siblings (long story). It took a few years, but they are closer now that they are adults. In fact, dh is closer to him than to some siblings that grew up in the same home that he did. So just b/c you have limited contact with them now, doesn't mean that you will never be a part of their lives. When they leave home to go to college you can jump back into their lives - not slamming their mom but just saying that it didn't work for you to be a part of your dad's new life, but you love them and want them to know that.