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Mother's Day weekend
Bare with me, I?m going to try to explain this as best as possible?
We will be out of town Easter weekend for a wedding in Florida. The following weekend is MIL?s birthday. Then the following weekend, we are going to my parent?s house (3 ?-4 hours away) for Mother?s Day weekend.
We split our holidays up every year, so this year is Mother?s Day with my family. Yesterday my MIL tells me that we need to come by their place when we return from my parent?s house on Mother?s Day. She poses it as ?We just want you for dessert ? that way I at least get to see you guys on the day of.?
This is what gets me; she truly believes that a special day or holiday means NOTHING if you do not celebrate or see the person on that specific day. I was upset that she would suggest that we come over after driving 3 ? hours from my parents house and stopping at home to drop the dog off just to turn back around (IL?s only live 10 minutes away) and have dessert with them ? when do we get a chance to unwind, unpack and prepare for our week? Also, my husband goes to bed at 9 on work nights because he has to get up for work at 4:45 a.m.
Since her birthday is the weekend before, I?m certain that we will be spending tons of that weekend with her. My question is ? am I overreacting by not wanting to stop by the IL?s house? My husband wants to just keep the peace and go to make her happy. He even suggested that I go to my parents while he stay up here with his mom ? I was really upset that he suggested that ? I told him that by him saying that, it tells me he is choosing his mom?s feelings over supporting his wife. But then I started thinking?it?s his mom. Should he stay up here with his mom and me go out of town and spend with my mom? We do not have children, so it?s not like he needs to be with me to celebrate me being ?mom?. I would rather have him there with me to spend time with me and my family and see my ailing grandma?s.
But I guess I?m just having a hard time deciding if I?m being this way because of everything my MIL has done to me/us in the past. There?s a long history of manipulation, overbearing, and entitlement.
What would you do? Do I just suck it up and go over there after our long weekend, or do we celebrate both her birthday and Mother?s Day the weekend before?
Thanks in advance, and please let me know if you need more information or clarification.
Re: Mother's Day weekend
Honestly, if it was me, I would suck it up and go for dessert since they only live 10 minutes away or ask them to come by your house. Set at time limit ( like and hour) and then leave.
As long as your husband doesn't mind going without a little bit of sleep, I would just do it.
You and your husband set a holiday schedule that you stick to every year. Now, your husband wants to back out of the deal to make mommy happy? That wouldn't fly with me.
She's not your mom. Send your DH over there without you and enjoy yourself.
Otherwise - I would not feel obligated. This holiday belongs to your mom. You should be able to spend time with your mom without worrying about traffic, getting to MILs "in time for dessert," - whatever.
How would MIL feel next year if you stopped by, then said "ok, we have to go to my mom's house (3 hours away) and be there by dessert. See ya!"
You know, at first, I was thinking that maybe you should just suck it up and go (especially when you said you live 10 minutes away from them.)
But now that I've come back to this, I think that you should stick with your plan and not change anything. You and your H agreed that this holiday will be spent with your parents this year. I don't think it's fair to have to spend your visit there worrying about leaving at a good enough time so that you can spend the end of the evening with your IL's.
I think you guys should stick with what you've decided. As long as you acknowledge the day for MIL by calling her and maybe sending a card and/or flowers, then I think it's fine.
Stick with your plans, if your H wants to go over there after you guys get back from visiting your parents--let him, you don't have to go if you don't want to.
That said, they're 10 minutes away, unless MIL is the type to keep you guys there for hours on end talking about nothing it might not be so bad. maybe you can put a caveat of "We'll try and make it over there, but it will depend on when we get back into town"?
I've had some issues with an overbearing MIL also, and have had to learn to start setting boundaries, so here is my take on this...
If it were me, I'd be pretty upset if DH decided not to go with me on a weekend-long trip to visit my parents. (We are in a similar situation where his parents live near by and mine do not...so we see his a lot more than we see mine.) To me, you're a packaged deal now. And if you made the decision to alternate holidays, I think you should stick to that.
If, when you get home from your trip on Sunday, your DH wants to drop by his parents' house for dessert and wish his mom a happy Mother's Day, that's fine...but I wouldn't feel obligated to go with him, nor would I rush out of your parents' house to get home in time for him to see them. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, oh well. This year is for you and your family. They will get their turn next year.
My husband wants to just keep the peace and go to make her happy. He even suggested that I go to my parents while he stay up here with his mom ? I was really upset that he suggested that ? I told him that by him saying that, it tells me he is choosing his mom?s feelings over supporting his wife.
How long have you rotated holidays? Did you spend last mother's day with his mom, and not at your own? If so, I think you and H need to agree that Mother's Day "is not MILs day," and that you will not be visiting. I think as another PP has mentioned, your MIL has learned that if she puts up enough of a stink, she'll get her way. That' not fair. Your mom doesn't get you for every holiday.
I also see this changing the dynamic of your trip with your mom. You will need to leave at a specific time to be at MILs home in time for dessert. That means you will have to leave your mom's house by 2. If your mom wanted brunch, that means you have to go to an early seating, etc. That makes the weekend "all about her (MIL)." Completely unfair.
Tell your DH to grow a backbone. And if she harps about Mother's Day at her birthday celebration, tell her "mom, we've already told you our plan for next weekend. If you continue to bring it up, you will ruin your own birthday party b/c we will leave."
I'm curious as to what has happened in the past. This can't be the first time she's pulled this kind of request, right?
As there is a history w/ this woman, I'm on the side of "stand firm and don't go". Your DH wants to give in (and not even go to see your family!) to appease her. Well, what about appeasing YOU, his wife?!
SOmeone commented about "giving an inch" - that's what I wonder here. If you all do go for dessert, OR if your DH just doesn't go w/ you at all for the entire weekend, what will that mean for the next holiday that you aren't w/ her? What is she going to do next time in order to get her way?
That's where you really have to be careful w/ this....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So I talked to my MIL last night and told her I it wasn't feasible for us to come by on Mother's Day after traveling and all of that. And she seemed totally fine with it - after I explained everything that would have to happen...taking our dog back, unpacking, DH having to go to bed early, etc. I seriously think she just does not think about other people - it's all about what she wants, no matter the hassle or cost of other people.
She's fine with getting together the weekend before and we're actually going out to a nice brunch in the city. So all should be good - at least that's the impression that I got. But in the past she's agreed and been "fine" with things, but then come to find out she's unhappy and crying about it and then the wrath sets in. So who knows, but I'm not going to worry about it.
We've rotated holidays for 3 years now. 2 years ago we did Mother's Day with MIL and last year we didn't do it with either mom b/c both were out of town, so naturally we agreed that this year would by my mom (and it works out since both of my grandma's are not doing well).
EastCoast, this is defnitely not the first time she's pulled this type of thing. The things she does and says blows my mind sometimes. I've put a wrench in her perfect little world of everyone catering to her, but I refuse to be a doormat anymore. DH has come a long way, and we still have a long way to go. We're planning to go to marriage counseling for it - as it's the only thing we ever fight about and I refuse to have children until he can learn to set some boundaries. We aren't having problems, so I'm just trying to be proactive...because if it continues, there will be problems!
Thanks again everyone!
Good for you! Good luck!
If you have agreed to rotate holidays and spent mothers day with her last year, then you shouldn't feel obligated to go. If she is aware of your arrangement, it's completely unfair of her to expect this of you. I say celebrate mothers day and her birthday together. She'll get mother's day next year.
Our families are the same way much of the time. We split Christmas morning between our 3 families (his parents are divorced) and all of them say how important it is to them that we spend the entire Christmas day with them when we have kids instead of rushing off. It's exhausting. And heaven forbid one of them making plans ahead of time with us when another wants to do something last minute :P