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Help? long.
Ok, I'm gonna kinda go out a limb here and be honest. But I need opinions.
My H and I have an amazing relationship. He takes SUCH good care of me and loves me more then I can come to terms with.
I grew up in a home where nobody drank. My mom might have had a glass of wine once a week and my dad gew up in an alcoholic home, so he didn't drink at all.
DH did. His parents and whole family drink a lot. It was valued as "okay" and so to me, they all seem like they drink a lot.
So when DH has drinks, it kind of bothers me but I know it is just because of both our upbringings. But he has 2 "short" glasses filled with some ice of whisky every night. It is always just 2 but sometimes he may have a beer with dinner. And it usually isn't until he is about to go to bed is when he sips on it for a couple hours. I just feel like it is so much. To him it is not because his dad could knock back 3 or 4 of those every night....just how he was brought up.
I'm not sure what to ask for, but I need opnions and please be honest. He is not up for talking about it and usually gets upset because I get upset.
Re: Help? long.
Does it change how he acts or his attitude or his personality?
Nope. I mean, ya he is a little happier, but he is NEVER mean, or obnoxious.
I guess I just don't WANT it to get out of control. I can be irrational sometimes.
I grew up in a family that doesn't drink a lot but my parents enjoyed a drink here and there at family events/parties. DH's family drinks a bit more, like wine/beer at dinner.
In my personal opinion 2 short glasses of whiskey every night is a lot, but that is just me (and I'm interested to see what others think). I think that if it was every once in a while it would be nothing.
My question for you, is why does it bother you? Do you think it is too much for him, do you worry about it becoming more and him becoming an alcoholic, is it because of how you were raised and you just have a negative view of drinking...I think having a clear and serious reason for it bothering you is going to be the key to bringing up this issue.
Maybe he would be willing to compromise and only have the whiskey every other night or only on the weekends...or maybe the compromise could be as simple as it doesn't become more on a regular basis, 2 is it...
I came from a family where my mom rarely if ever had a drink but my dad was more likely to have a couple glasses of wine or a couple of beers at night so 2 drinks doesn't sound like too much to me.
HOWEVER if it upsets you then you and he need to talk about why it upsets you. That is something you should figure out before you have that chat though. Is it that you are concerned about him drinking more then that in the future or is it something else?
I can definitely identify with why you feel the way you do. My Stepdad is a recovering alcoholic (23 years sober!!!), and my family was on the more 'religious' side growing up (drinking in moderation on few occasions was preached, but since SD couldn't have any, the choice was made to have no drinking in our home), so there was very little, if any, drinking in my home growing up.
So, as an adult, I just never drank. Believe it or not, I only started having more than an occasional wine cooler when out with friends in the past 2-3 years! As a result, pretty much any drinking seemed like it was a lot to me. H has a beer every now and again (to give you oan example, there is 6 pack of Coors that's been in the fridge for going on three months) so it's safe to say that we're light drinkers. I actually do agree with you that two "shorties" at night is a little much. If H were doing that, I would honestly be concerned as well. I would wonder if he could manage without those night caps?
It also seems as if he may be just a little defensive about talking about it, which would indicate to me that perhaps, even if it's only deep down, he may realize that it may be a bit much, and that he doesn't want to admit it, or deal with it, and so not addressing it, or getting a bit angry is his way of not having to.
I would also second what was asked earlier - what is it about his drinking that concerns you most? Are you concerned that if push came to shove, he may not be able to just stop having those drinks? That it's more than just something that he grew up around? If so, in my opinion, those are very valid concerns. At the very least, I would think that you both would want to discuss it, and agree upon what is comfortable for both of you concerning his night caps. It really may be that it's just what he does, and that it has no effect on him. If that's the case, then to make you happy, I would think that he should be able to cut back for you. After all, it isn't something that he absolutely has to do. Maybe just one a night? That would seem a fair compromise.
If he truly isn't open to discussing even that, then I would think that maybe he is more dependant on his shorties than he realizes. I will keep you both in my prayers that things work out in a mutually beneficial way for you both :-)
My thoughts exactly!
I grow up with No alcohol drinks in the house; however, college years really corrupted me. It started with Friday Nights Happy Hour, Saturday Nights Clubbing and Sunday Mimosas for Brunch. Then having a drink after work to relief stress. After I was 26, I couldn't drink anymore. I was not able to keep up with my friends. I had a career and couldn't continue to live this way. In 2006 my DH and I decided that we needed to start living healthy and not kill our livers so young. Now we only drink 1 glass of wine on our date nights and if we drink at occasions we are limited to 3 each, plus after looking at the bill, it kills you to know that $$$ went to kill your liver and not on a vacations or things for the house.
So I do believe drinking every night is to much. Have the talk with him and mention the health issues. Also, a bottle of whiskly runs about $45-$65. I bet you need that for some thing else. I know I do.
I hear ya, my husband is a much heavier drinker than I am, and my family also doesn't drink much. The difference is that DH doesn't drink every night - maybe once or twice a week - but he gets drunk more than (I feel) a 40-something year old man should. He often goes out without me because he has one group of friends I don't like who love to get wasted. His drinking is the only thing we've ever really argued about. What finally resolved it was him telling me that he knows that with us moving and trying to start a family that his going out will need to end soon, so he sees this time as his last hurrah. It still bothers me but less than it used to, and he has scaled back big time since we moved in together.
I would be a little uncomfortable with him drinking every night also. Does he say why he does? Does he just like the taste of whisky, or rely on it to relax at the end of the day? This might help you get to the root of the issue. It it's to help him relax, maybe you can help him find other ways to unwind after work. He probably has a good tolerance if he's been doing it for a while, so I assume he doesn't get too drunk.
To answer your questions..
1. I think my problem with the whole thing is that I'm afraid it is going to get worse. His dad had a stint where he would down a fifth every night and it took him a long time to realize it. I've talked to DH about this and he assures me that he would never want ME to go through what his dad put him and his mom through.
2. He loves the taste of whisky. He loves trying new kinds and he doesn't like "DRINK" he sips it and enjoys it. He has gone days/nights without it so I know he can do that.
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I'm going to offer you what may be an unpopular perspective, but you asked for honesty so here ya go!
If you were aware of his 2-drink a day behavior before you got married, and you chose to accept it as a part of him, and his attitude hasn't changed (which you said it hasn't), then I don't think it's fair to suggest to him that he needs to stop. I tend to have a glass or wine or two most nights. My job is exhausting and stressful, and I like the taste! Frankly if DH told me all of a sudden this bothered him and I should cut back, I would wonder why he just decided to bring it up NOW (not that he would since he's usually having a beer w/ me) and I would not be inclined to give up something that I enjoy, that is not otherwise effecting our lives negatively, just because he woke up one day and decided it wasn't okay anymore.
Of course none of this applies if it DOES become a problem -- if he started acting differently, treating you differently, hiding his drinking, missing work or meetings, etc. then I would advocate for speaking up and encouraging him to get help immediately. Also I think it is good to put your feelings out there that you may have concerns in the future if his drinking increases or his behavior changes.
Rach took the words out of my mouth. It sounds like to me that is just what he does. I understand how sometimes things like that can bother you, but you just have to look at the big picture, and if he doesn't seem to have a "problem" with it, you just need to breathe and let it be (BELIEVE ME I KNOW THAT IS SOOOO HARD!!!). I have learned in the last couple of years that there are things that Jeff does that I necessarily don't like, but if they aren't causing actual harm to him, myself or our relationship, then why is it worth the argument. I'm sure there are things about ALL of us that our significant other doesn't exactly love, but we all have to compromise. I grew up in a home where it was okay to have a beer or two after work if you needed it. And, if I look at is as how would I feel if Jeff told me I couldn't have a glass of wine while I was making dinner (I would laugh at him), so how can I expect him to do that for me because I just don't like it. I understand your concerns, but it sounds like he has it in check, is completely aware of the boundaries, and as long as he doesn't ever really "change" if he has a drink, then I think it is fine.