Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How would you respond to this?
I just got the following e-mail from my grandfather:
Hi Laura, Grandma Jane knows how much you appreciate the hours of work she put into creating the pictorial wedding album that she sent you as a gift a few weeks ago. It will be something you can treasure for the rest of your life. We understand how busy you are with your work. Say hello to Jeff and know we wish you well in your new life together. Worlds of love, Grandpa Bill .
When I read it, I took it as a passive-aggressive way of saying that I didn't express enough gratitude for the 'pictorial wedding album' that I got for my birthday. I sent them a thank you e-mail (flame away, I haven't sent thank-you cards for anything but wedding/shower gifts since I was a child; I usually call but for them I send e-mails).
I could be wrong, though, it could be his way of simply acknowledging that e-mail. Passive-aggressive is totally his style, but maybe I'm just over-thinking it. Regardless, I promise I won't be mean to an old man in my reply, but I'm curious how you guys would take this.
Re: How would you respond to this?
That made me think of this:
http://tinyurl.com/4apu83s
TTC since 08/2010
Anovulatory since at least 12/2010 (probably longer, unDx)
Dx PCOS 3/2012
SA 5/25/12--normal
June 2012--50mg clomid+TI--BFN
July 2012--50mg clomid+Ovidrel+TI--BFN, lining at 5mm
August 2012--5mg femara+Ovidrel+TI
When I saw you had a link posted, my first thought was, "I wonder if this is going to be that postcard from the grandma on passiveaggressivenotes.com?" HA!
Also, I think I figured out what happened. I DO send thank you cards to Jeff's grandparents for gifts because they send them to us, and I know that they're pretty old school and expect it and appreciate it. I see them on a regular basis and they, unlike my grandfather, have always been awesome to me and never seem to have a hidden agenda.
Anyway, they exchanged information at the wedding and according to my MIL they've been keeping in touch...I wonder if Jeff's grandparents mentioned to my grandfather that they got a thank you card? That would be sort of hilarious if that's the case.
laura, i agree with you. gramps is being a little rude and thought you would bow down and kiss their feet with gratitude from the album. email him back saying, "i hope you received my last email saying how much i appreciated the album, but in case not, thanks again! still very busy, married life is well, love to you and grams"
Blog
I would probably ask my mom/dad (who ever is related to them) what they think. But I would probably take it as a passive-aggressive way too. I say kill em with kindness. People that are passive-aggressive, I think, tend to get more annoyed if you seem like their actions don't bother you- then they move on, and/or realize it didn't work in the first place. I would write back with something kinda like this:
"Dear Grandpa,
Hope things are going well! We absolutely love the wedding album and currently have it on our coffee table so we can glance through it whenever we like (or something along those lines showing that you haven't packed it up in a box and forgotten about it.) Grandma put a lot of time, effort and love into making it and it's a great reminder about our special day and all the wonderful people that were able to share it with us. Work has been stressful but it's rewarding at the same time when things go right and are successful. It just takes a lot of time, patience, and focus (shows that you acknowledge them acknowledging your work, but also says "I don't think you know what all goes into it".) Jeff and I are enjoying this new chapter in our life as a married couple and are enjoying our "honeymoon" period of getting comfortable in our new roles as husband and wife."
Just some thoughts for you!
Given the other things you've posted about them/him, I would totally take it as PA, too. Some people are excessively self-aggrandizing, and a simple thank you is never enough. Kind of takes the altruism out of any gift.
I'd either (1) ignore the comment altogether and respond like he never even said it; or (2) return the favor - sugar coat how 'sweet & homemade' it will look next to the pro album you have, etc, etc, etc. I'm just mean, though - bad behavior like this has caused me to put my own mother on time-out, just to get a point across. You can't treat people like garbage, even if you douse it in honey, and expect them to keep coming around.
Laura, I think your instinct is right on, that your grandfather is passive-aggressively trying to tell you you should send a paper thank you note. It's a PITA, but I do them for all the people in my life of that generation.
And Moleson's note is very nice!
Yup!
TTC since 08/2010
Anovulatory since at least 12/2010 (probably longer, unDx)
Dx PCOS 3/2012
SA 5/25/12--normal
June 2012--50mg clomid+TI--BFN
July 2012--50mg clomid+Ovidrel+TI--BFN, lining at 5mm
August 2012--5mg femara+Ovidrel+TI
Moleson, that is very similar to what I wrote!! I feel the same way about responding to this sort of thing, and in case he's not being a jerk, it doesn't hurt. Mine said:
"Dear Grandpa,
I hope that you and Grandma Jane are doing well, and that Grandma Jane saw my previous e-mail thanking you both for the birthday gifts. Jeff and I loved the photo album; it was so thoughtful and I really appreciated the time and care she put into it. It's currently sitting on our coffee table next to our other wedding album, and we look at it often [this isn't entirely a lie, we do pick it up and make fun of it pretty regularly - it's the most self-centered gift I've ever received]. I apologize for being lax in my correspondence lately, but as you know [he has a PhD and won't let you forget it], graduate school can be all-consuming at times and lately it has been particularly trying. Jeff and I are doing well, though, and enjoying married life. We hope that our marriage is as happy and successful as yours [obviously, his second marriage....].
Take care,
Laura"
Laura, that's hilarious! I love your parenthetical notes.
H's mother made a wedding album as well (I think on Shutterfly), but thankfully didn't send it to us. She emailed us the link in case we wanted to buy one, but it was all H's family. Uh, great.
Backstory, for anyone intersted:
He's my father's father, and my father and I basically don't talk (his fault). My dad has recently started communicating with me a little more, since I invited him to the wedding, but we're basically strangers since he missed out on 26 years of my life. My grandfather (and his wife) tried to have a relationship with my sister and I when we were younger, but since they didn't extend that same courtesy to my mother things were a bit strained and we didn't see them much as we got older. I never really liked visiting them, anyway, because they were very self-centered and always put on airs, plus they would blatantly ignore my mother and make passive-aggressive comments towards her about being a bad mother or failing at relationships.
He got in contact with me a few years ago and I thought it would be awesome to have a relationship with him, but it's made me realize that some people just really aren't nice people and that there is a reason we didn't have a relationship before. He will bombard me with packages and e-mails about how wonderful and amazing he is, but barely responds to anything I write; I'm basically just an audience. It was particularly trying when he decided that we were going to be visiting him last summer, and even settled on a date and wrote about it in his Christmas e-newsletter to all of his friends and acquaintances. When he had given us a general invitation, I'd told him that we were very busy with school and the upcoming wedding but that we would see if we might make it out for a long weekend, so to let us know when they would be in NY. When I read the newsletter I contacted him to say that we couldn't make it, but he ignored me several times and when he finally acknowledged it he said that he was very hurt that we couldn't make time for them and that they had gone to all of this effort in preparation for their stay.
However, since he is elderly I continue to remain in contact with him and pretend that all the junk he sends me (collections of poetry/short stories he's written, recordings from musicals he's been in, etc) is the greatest thing since sliced bread. At least I don't have to pretend with my dad, because he doesn't pretend with me.
As for the e-mail thank-yous, I figured it would be find because they usually send e-cards (for Christmas and birthdays) and they send e-newsletters. The only physical card I've received in the past few years was this birthday, but I figured that was only because they sent a package this time.
Sorry, that was super long!
Ditto from A to Z.
Yup, my thoughts too.
I know you're not flaming me, but I honestly don't think he deserves a 'real' thank you card when he usually doesn't send me a real birthday/Christmas card and this is the first gift he's sent me - which honestly was more like a big ol' pat on the back to him than a gift to me. I get what you're saying, and that's why I sent actual TY cards to Jeff's grandparents, but I feel like I've made enough concessions to this guy. It's a small thing, but since he always gets the last word it sort of kills me to give in on this.
That's one of the things that was annoying about this one - they didn't include any of my mom's side of the family in the 'family' section (the pages were titled 'Family') except my mom (and her boyfriend of 3-4 years, who they just called 'a friend' in the caption). There were numerous pictures of them, captioned "Laura's grandparents", as if I don't have any others (some of whom were in attendance). There were more pictures of them than us, and they chose a really unflattering picture of me with my mouth open eating cake for the last page. Thanks.
During the wedding, my grandpa went and sulked in the other room (where cocktail hour had been) and my grandma (step-grandma, really) came and found me and told me that he was upset that I hadn't danced with him. Even though I hadn't danced with anyone but Jeff (once) the entire night, I went and found him and when I tried to bring him to the dance floor, he insisted that we have a 'private moment' and dance alone in the cocktail hour room. It was extremely awkward and Jeff was trying really hard not to laugh. Of course a picture of that made it in the album, the caption says 'touching moment between Laura and Grandpa'.
Okay, I'm going to stop complaining about my grandfather now. Mostly it's just a source of amusement for me and Jeff because really, it's harmless, but sometimes I get sort of angry/bitter thinking about it because after he contacted me, I thought he actually wanted a relationship with me and I made a real effort to read all of the stories he sent me and write super-long e-mails in reply to him, etc. I welcomed the contact because I'd recently lost two grandparents. It kind of hurts to realize that I'm not really a person to him, but someone that he can brag about to other people (even though he doesn't actually ask me about what I'm doing) and that can listen to him brag about himself. I hate one-sided relationships like this, and if he were a friend of mine I would end it because I get nothing but frustration out of it.
OMG, Laura, I am lol at your description of the album.
One of H's friends put a photo of our ceremony on her FB page and tagged me, with the comment 'beautiful bride,' except I am making an incredibly unflattering face. Um, thanks?
And my mom is still bitter that H's parents used one of our wedding photos on their holiday card this year. She literally was like, that's MY daughter!
Anyway, these are not really related to your situation, just asides that amuse me.
Ha, I like the asides.
My mom put up some REALLY bad pictures of me, I untagged myself and then actually asked her to take them down. I also got a little weirded out by the whole thing, since I don't know the majority of her FB friends, and it was uncomfortable having so many strangers look at my wedding pictures and comment on them, especially if they were talking about me (even though they were generally compliments). Despite how much I talk to internet strangers, I'm actually a very private person
I would have felt the same way about the holiday card. It's one thing if they had multiple photos (like a 'year in review' or 'this is what our kids accomplished this year'), but by itself it's odd. My grandfather put a picture from our wedding in their Christmas e-newsletter this year, but didn't even mention our names - it said something like, "Bill's son Bill Jr.'s daughter got married in September, so we traveled to Maryland for the wedding" and it showed a photo of us and a photo of them dancing at the wedding.
Ok, with a little back story to it the e-mail he sent definately seems more ridiculous. Families can be so complicated and awkward sometimes!! I HATE giving in in situations like this so I totally know where you are coming from but it sounds like he could make things even more awkward if you don't try to keep the peace.