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Sigh.. Future In-Laws
Hi there!
I posted this in the Knot, but I would love input!
I am a new poster, but long time lurker. I am recently engaged, but have been with FI for 4 years. My issue is with my future in-laws, or rather, FI's brothers.
FI is the baby of 4 boys. The 2 oldest brothers have made very harsh & mean comments to me over the years. They will be very nice one moment and then catch me off guard by saying things that are so hurtful that I am ready to, or have!, cried.
One example is his oldest brother saying that I probably shouldn't wear white on my wedding day (!) in front of 10 people at dinner.
I tried to change the subject but he just kept bringing it up. I had to leave the table and was very upset. What makes this comment even more interesting, is that he and his now wife had their first child out of wedlock at a very young age. Seriously?!?
Another brother made a remark at another large gathering regarding what FI 'tastes like'... Holy...cow! Really?? These are only 2 examples of many.. and the worst part about this, is that FI is used to his brothers being mean..but I am not used to having family go out of their way to embarass one another. FI doesn't stick up to his brothers regarding either one of us.. I think what concerns me more is that FI really wants to foster some type of relationship with them. I have supported him in that decision, but over time it is getting harder and harder to do so...
So the question is, WWYD? Especially when these 2 brothers' wives are just as bad....
Thanks! 
Re: Sigh.. Future In-Laws
I'm new to this!
From your examples, these really don't sound like "mean" people. They sound a little crass and like they tease hard, but none of the things you mentioned sound like they were doing anything mean-spirited. It's just the way they joke.
It sounds like you're tender-hearted, private, and a little uptight. There's nothing wrong with that; it just means that these people are going to make you uncomfortable. Relax, have a drink, and accept that this is probably the way they're welcoming you into the family.
They might also be getting a kick out of how upset a little dirty joking makes you. You would do yourself a lot better to let it roll off your back, laugh, and forget it.
2 things:
1- talk to your H because if they're going overboard then he needs to say something and to let them know that you really don't appreciate those kind of jokes (you can stand up for yourself here and say something too).
2- Don't be so sensitive. As inappropriate as their comments are it sounds like they're doing it in a joking kind of way, especially if the other wives and family are all joking like that about everyone. This sounds like that's just what they're family is like (as weird and rude as they are), If I was you I'd probably stop being sensitive about it, realize they're not really trying to be mean(or at least that's what it sounds like) and play back , say things like "You really like talking about your brothers penis eh?" or turn to your bf and say loudly "how come your entire family knows what you taste like?"
They're joking, it is not worth crying over.
I will say this - if they are saying things TO YOU and ABOUT YOU that you don't find funny, I think hiding behind "Oh, it's a joke, lighten up" is poor on their parts (if they actually do this). Their dirty sense of humor doesn't give them the right to disregard your feelings or discomfort.
But at the same time.... it sounds like this is how his family is - jokesters w/ a really dirty sense of humor. Youve' been around it for 4 years. You can't expect your FI's entire family to change how they talk and joke w/ each other because of you. Or if you do- all you're going to get is a bunch of people who feel they have to walk on eggshells around you and who no longer want to be around you. So, keep that in mind.
your FI doesn't need to speak up to defend himself - he doesn't mind the crass jokes.
But when the jokes turn to YOU - I think you either need to speak up for yourself (or joke back. The comment about the wedding dress? Why not just say "Well, isn't this the pot calling the kettle black?"). But at the same time, also try to take a step back and think "is this really them trying to be mean, or is this just them trying to be funny" (even though you think it's stupid!).
If you feel there are genuine attempts to be MEAN to you, focus on those issues and talk to your FI about it and why it upsets you and why you need his support.
But, but, but - again, this is how his family is. If you can't accept it and if you can't find a way to roll w/ it to some degree, you're going to havea LONG road ahead of you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
i think you may be takign their comments WAAAAAAY too seriously. it sounds to me like they're joking. families are different. your family may not joke around the same as FI's does. it's one of those things you'll just have to learn to live with.
why would you get so upset and cry over the white dress comment? you sound like you really reallt REALLY need to loosen up a bit.
WHere is your FI in the midst of this?
And moreover, why are you permitting these 2 bullies to treat you like garbage?
Given the fact that they're not even civil to you, rethink marrying this guy -- there is now also a FI problem, being he won't stand up to his brothers and tell them STFU -- which is what he should have said when these 2 started treating you like trash.
They're also creepy and looks like they have a ton of issues. This is a joke -- what he tastes like? this is a joke -- you shouldn't wear white???
Lose this jerk FI of yours in a hurry --- and get therapy for yourself; you probably avoid confrontation, which is not a bad thing -- but geez, you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. GL.
I agree with the thicker skin stuff but the fact that you leave the table crying and your FI doesnt take up for you sucks monkeyballs.
You guys need to get on the same page
Dhs brother was a big teaser and mean joker. In my family teasing always had an edge and I didnt like it. I repeatedly told BIL this and he kept on, but he didnt do it in front of people so DH thought I was over reacting when it was just family. I had a come to Jesus talk about it and made my feeling know and even though DH still thought I should lighten up, publically he stood up for me and ended up not having a relationship with his brother for a while.
After a few years DH asked me if we could try again, I agreed, we invited BIL and other family members to our house, where BIL was jinitially OK but then did some really shitastic stuff that ended again with us severing contact. Because my DH has my back.
Ok, there is a time and a place for getting thicker skin, and it's great that you're willing to work on that - truly, I think that will help you fall in with this family more easily.
That said, these are your FBILs saying things to you that embarrass you or offend you. Should they? I guess we could debate that. But they do, and to me, that's the real issue here.
Your FI needs to stand up to you. He can have both a marriage full of respect for his wife and at the same time a relationship with is brothers. I think you and your FI need to have a serious discussion about what you find appropriate, and what you don't find appropriate in terms of conversation. If you don't feel like your FBILs making (pretty explicit) jokes about your sex life, then IMO your FI needs to say to his brothers, "Hey, guys, jokes about our sex life are off limits." If the jokes continue, you and your FI leave, and later he can address it with his brothers.
I just don't want you to push your feelings about this under the rug because everybody is all, "Oh it's a joke, lighten up/get thicker skin." It is ok to be uncomfortable with certain topics of conversation, and it is ok to expect your FI to put your discomfort ahead of the jokes of his brothers.
How old are they and are they drunk when they make these comments? Call me a prude or whatever, but if someone asked me, even joking, what my H "tasted like" I would ask what the fvck was the matter with them. Thats just idiotic and I wouldn't call it dirty humor.
Thank you so much for all of your input.. I think it's somewhere in the middle. I do need to have a serious talk with FI regarding this & I need to stop being so darn sensitive. He is kind and gentle...to a fault! His family is non-confontational in some ways (addressing how they feel/treat other people) yet are completely ok with making rude/inappropriate comments to make everyone laugh at someone's expense. They make back-handed comments and tend to talk behind each others backs... Throughout all of this I just wanna yell in the middle of a family function, "Duke it out with foam bats!"
I think FI is just used to sweeping things under the rug and not dealing with it and he thought I was doing the same. FI is very caring and understanding and it is really more my fault that I haven't addressed this with him sooner. I don't think he knows just how much it bothers me.
Honey he doesn't have to know how much it bothers you! He should have nipped this in the bud when it began. No word from you was needed -- crass and creepy remarks are crass and creepy remarks.
His not bothering to end this mess is the same thing as saying "Treat my FI any way you wish; it is fine by me."
Rethink this guy; the issue is already there and the worm's already in the apple.
What do you do exactly? Do you, like your FI ignore the problem just telling BILs to drop it? If you don't confront them yourself as well, you are at fault too. Just by how you have taken these posts I can tell you have a sensitive personality and are a people-pleaser. Which is why FI may not know your feelings because when he says "Honey did that "taste" comment bug you?" you might say "No, no, honey. It's your brother, he says stuff like that to everyone." I am not saying that your guy is dumb but he shouldn't have to read a cryptic message to get your opinion on things.
My DH is just as sensitive and kind as your FI is. He tries to be the bigger person and he gives up a lot for his family in the sake of keeping the peace. With that said we came to a place years ago where I told him, if he doesn't want family drama he has to nip his family's bad behavior to us in the bud, because letting them run amok like your BILs do will only cause drama, and it did, over and over. Every single family event got worse and worse. Then he finally stood up to one of the worst family members. They fought for a month or so, then after a cooling down, said family member hasn't teased or picked on me or my DH since.
My point is that if you think that you can ignore this and get a thicker skin, you might not be able to get a thicker skin for this. They might start off with dirty jokes that are like taps and lead to insults that cut like daggers. Both of you need to nip this in the bud, and maybe even have a moment where you talk about your roles in this mess, i.e. him not standing up and you not communicating. To be honest, this is everyone's fault, you two need to find out what role you played in making this happen. You don't want history to repeat itself.
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I agree to a point about being overly sensative.... BUT if they keep doing it even though the KNOW it hurts your feelings....
You need to stand for yourself.... and say something.
Personally if my BIL did this to me OVER and OVER again.... making me the Butt of the joke... I would throw my drink in his face. If he wants to act like a douche bag... I'm going to treat him like the Douche Bag he is. Seriously.... don't take crap from these people.
It is one thing to joke.... but to CONSTANTLY hide behind "I was ONLY KIDDING" stuff is not okay.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
THIS!!! I actually spoke with FI last night.. It was a great talk. He said this exact thing. He has tried to let things roll off of his back because they actually tease him less if he lets it drop and thought I was doing the same thing. We have more talking to do, but he was great and said that in the future (because it is bound to happen again) he would most definitely deal with it. I will to. I expressed that even though they were rude to me, I didn't want to mouth off to them because I didn't want to be on that level. And he said (as you did) "Stand up to them and give back what they give you". I don't plan of hiding behind FI, but I will not deal with this anymore. You ladies were wonderful! Thanks so much!
my B-I-L is a jerk too. he is always finding flaws with our new house & mocking us to no end for living in the suburbs. He's constantly saying my dogs are ugly and stupid (I'm the only one who can pick on my pups!)
A couple days before my birthday, I drove him and DH to a whiskey tasting. before driving his drunk @ss home, he started to debate whether I was an angel, or a retard! I really wish I was kidding!
I tell my husband that his behavior bothers me, and DH is really good about diverting him when he gets going.
good luck