Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband never in the mood?
I'm so worried! Got married last June, and I would say we have sex maybe once a month on average since our honeymoon. I feel like the man in the relationship because I want sex badly!!! This is not normal. When I try putting the moves on my husband, he acts strange and has every excuse in the book from "I don't want to have to shower before my appointment (work)" to "I'm not feeling well"...granted, he does have health issues with his stomach since I've known him (IBS) and that really is a believable excuse.
I just desire my husband to want me. I would like HIM to initiate sex and affection. I've told him this many times, and we talk about it openly, but nothing ever changes. I have recently started having dreams about other men and this upsets me!! Please help! I need some major advice! My husbands sex drive is shot!
Re: Husband never in the mood?
Were you having more sex before you got married?
Is he actively trying to manage his IBS? Do any of the drugs he takes have any libido stifling side effects?
Does he convey to you that he *wants* to have more sex, but just doesn't feel up to it? Or does he just avoid the topic all together?
DaringMiss,
Thanks for responding! Good questions...Yes, we had more sex when we first met 3 yrs ago...in fact, I remember the roles were reversed and there was a time when HE said he wanted more sex. But as time has past, things changed. When we were planning for our wedding~I assumed it was just that we were both stressed and tired all the time. Now that we have more time on our hands, it's more obvious that it's just not happening!
The IBS has been a struggle since we've met, and drugs may have an effect...but this was not an issue as much in the past. He says he wants to have more sex, and he talks openly about it with me for some time now, but NOTHING has changed. There is no initiating on HIS end, and when I initiate it, sometimes it's hard for me because I don't want to get turned down...it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there's something wrong with ME and that he's not attracted to me even though he assures me it's not that.
I feel like I'm the only woman I know that has this problem and it's too embarassing to discuss with my girlfriends.
I also felt like I was the only woman in the world with this problem until I read your post. It is really difficult to discuss with friends or relatives and yet I need some support. I need to know that I'm not going crazy and that it is normal to feel pain when HE is not in the mood. Thanks for opening up.
I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know that we are on the same boat.
The funny thing is that he also has IBS but never complains about that.. I get otehr excuses like he is tired after his game, or his work, or is allergy season or whatever! Other than bedroom issues he honestly is the best man anyone could dream of: he is gentle and caring and looks after me all the time and tells me how pretty he finds me so I'm puzzled about his low libido.
Here's another with your problem!!! I'm going through the same thing! Although I just had a baby 5 1/2 months ago, I've openly expressed that I want more from him and after that I found him jerking the chicken.. which made me think in my head that everything I was thinking.. ie, me being unattractive and unwanted, very solid in my thoughts.
That being said, we had changes, which I think attributed to this. 1. Had a baby, 2. Sleepless night, 3. He got promoted, 4. Thought he was pushing me when he thought I was tired. The only thing that seemed to help was talking.
I'm still going through my own self issues with esteem, but talking to him helps. He's stressed about his job, his self esteem is also shot.. so you have to take things into consideration about him as well (even though he may not say- my hubby neglected to inform me that he's having self issues as well, I picked up on it through his own comments about himself and asked)
So basically, talk to him, ask him what you could do to get him in the mood without you being the initiator... that's all I got, hope it helps!!
I am another with the same problem! I'm not even married yet!!!! We are getting married this August, but it's been like this for at least a year or so, and I've been noticing it much more lately. We've been together 5 1/2 years. He is 11 years older than me, and I just thought, "I guess this is what happens when a man gets older". But he's only 39! Really? And we barely have sex once a week, and I'm usually the one initiating it. We don't even have kids as an excuse!? I too feel that it's not normal! I feel like shouldn't he be all over me??? I would love to be able to turn him down once in a while, but that would never happen! I want to be desired and wanted!
He sleeps a lot and seems so tired all the time. And you have to be careful about how you talk to a man about the problem, so they do loose their self esteem as a man. I've made small suggestive comments, but never push the issue.
I found this herbal stuff online called Ikawe for Men that is supposed to help a man's drive, energy, and reproductive organs. (It's actually on back order due to high demand. LOL) Hopefully it might help. I'll have to let ya know if it does anything.
I heard exercise helps too. But we are both very busy, and not that motivated.
Good luck with your man. Please know that you are not alone, and thank you for your post!
October 2012 Pumpkin Patch Babies click here for list.
I had this issue awhile back, where I was the one that wanted it way more than he did. We've since gotten through it, but through talking about it we realized that I thought I was initiating sex and telling him that I was interested, but I wasn't being as clear as I thought I was. And vice versa. Maybe that's part of your issue...
Thank you Poisonmim for your post! I am going to try the herbal stuff, or at least get my order in and wait
until it's off back order. Our issue started before we got married too...I always blamed it on the two of us just being so tired with a year of wedding planning, but unfortunately it has continued into our marriage. Like you, I want to feel wanted! It definetly makes one question themselves~my self-esteem has lowered from feeling this way for so long.
I hope that it all works out for you, and please know there is support here if you need it! It's just nice to know I'm not alone.
Good luck! I'll keep you posted on herbal stuff~you keep me posted too!
Thank YOU! It's nice to know I'm not alone. It's tough being a woman and feeling this way when society always portrays the woman as the one "holding out" on sex. Like you, my man is the kindest person too and I know he really loves me.
We talked openly about it tonight, so I will give him some time to let it all sink in. Crossing my fingers the talk we had will help.
Good luck sweetie!
Self esteem is a HUGE factor in our situation too. He has gained weight because of his digestive problems (IBS), and working out is a challenge when you're not feeling well. BUT...this has been his "excuse" for some time now. What I don't get is how he can still get up and go out for a long run in the morning or workout with his trainer at the gym. The "not feeling well" excuse is hard for me to believe some times. Just like your hubby when he's as you say "jerking the chicken"...
Not to mention...my self esteem is questionable after feeling this way for so long!
We talked tonight...hope this helps. I will give him time to think about it.
What are you going to do?
Just remember, intimacy breeds intimacy. It is so easy to just live your lives in parallel when you aren't being physically intimate and that causes relationship drift.
To the OP whose DH had gained weight as a result of his IBS - take walks together in the evening. Spend 20 minutes walking and talking with no electronic interference -- it will be a good start on the exercise portion and the chance to communicate will make you feel closer as a couple.
This is a really common problem and the #2 reason for divorce. You either communicate about it and work on it together or you let it destroy your marriage. My husband and I went through the same thing. After a year of dealing with this I dragged my husband to therapy and it was a total life saver. We only went a few times but just letting him talk to someone was really what he needed. Out therapist also recommended the book ?mating in captivity? you can buy it used on amazon.com for under $10. You can overcome this if you work on it together.
P.S.- Sorry for those who?ve read my posts before. This topic comes up on here ALL the time and I feel like I?ve said this many times.
watch live cam and start removing your stress via joining our adult video chat community today. It is owned and operated by a woman. This industry is build around the services of women and women should be in charge of the industry. Hope you will enjoy it a lot.
webcam girls
Well, I'm back for an "update"...STILL NO SEX!!!!!!!!!! 8 days since I've posted this message on the boards, and the day after I posted I told him how I felt and how concerned I was. I also told him that I'd like for him to be the first to initiate something the nest time, so that I know it's coming from him and not just me forcing it on him.
We are on vacation from our jobs this week, and that doesn't even seem to help. I was thinking it would, because we've gotten more rest and there's no stress from work. Nope...that doesn't seem to matter. I am so sad about this. I just want to feel wanted and loved. I also feel like there is a little anger building up inside me and I find myself more cranky than usual because of our situation.
I don't know what to do, other than cry!
Do you "want to feel wanted and loved" or do you want "sex" ?
My DH is never in the mood, either. You are not alone. It's actually kinda crazy to see just how many other women are dealing with these issues.
My DH is starting to think that he has low testosterone. Which could completely be why he's not feeling like having sex much.
Check out the link on low testosterone and see if this sounds like any of your hubby's issues:
http://www.medicinenet.com/low_testosterone/article.htm
I have the same problem. I've been with my husband for 5 1/2 years (married for 2 1/2 years - almost). In the beginning of our relationship, we'd have sex as often as 8 times a month. Now, it's gotten to the point where I'm lucky if I even get it once a month (currently on a three-month dry spell). Like you, I've tried initiating, but I am usually ignored. He has a lot of similar excuses (in addition to the fact that he was recently diagnosed with the early stages of osteoperosis), so I won't repeat the ones he's given me. We have had this same discussion MULTIPLE times, only to have nothing change. It's had a rather nasty effect on my self-esteem. He insists that there's nothing wrong with me, but there's always this small part of me that feels like there IS something wrong with me.
After getting frustrated with the fact that he seems to be doing nothing to fix our problem, I've looked into the matter and based on the symptoms he's showing (lack of libido, fatigue, aches and pains, and osteoperosis), at least in my case, it's looking like my husband is suffering from low testosterone. I've tried to gradually work this into our conversations, but he usually ends up going off on some other tangent and the idea gets put on the back burner...again. I just wish I could get this out in the open without hurting his feelings (which is why I try to gradually work it into our conversation, since I'm not very good at just putting it out there).
I guess it's somewhat of a relief to know that I'm not the only woman going through this. It doesn't make the situation any less frustrating, though.
I am so relieved to find this and see that I'm not the only one. My name is Tricia and my DH's (That is husband, right? What exactly does that stand for?) physical interest in me just has completely evaporated. It's SO hurtful and I'm trying to not let my esteem get pummeled, but it's hard not to. When we first started dating, our chemistry was SO strong--iwe could send electricity across the room to each other. I can still look at him and feel my heart skip, I just don't think I do the same for him anymore..at least physically. He is such a good man, and SO good at showing me basic affection..constantly says "I love you", lots of hugs, hand holding, thoughtful, helpful, kind...there is no question that he loves me, but he definitley doesn't want ot have sex with me. We have been married 1 1/2 years, dated for 2 prior, and are down to once a week MAX, and I feel like he just goes through the motions to perform his "duty" and shut me up. It's always a weekend night, already in bed, I usually have to get the party started, and it takes forever to get him to even respond to my advances (when he doesn't shoot me down completely). It's not as simple as saying I'd like to have sex or getting frisky. Last week, he just lay there responseless for almost an HOUR while I kissed and nuzzled and touched..etc..then pretty much skipped my turn at any foreplay (guess he figured I didn't need it since I was already in the mood) and went straight for intercourse. What's sad is I was so grateful for physical attention from him I was elated to even get that. This past weekend, we had a great time together, and I was sure I saw a sparkle in his eye through the evening and just knew I was going to get approached, so I waited. Nope. Moving on to week #2 now. I'm sure I could ask, but I'm just tired of begging. And yes, we've talked about it. He gets offended and I get the "It happens to all married couples" line. I'm sorry...going from aggressively initiating like I was the hottest sexiest thing to walk the planet every night to not even noticing me...in less than 5 years? That seems like a quick decline.
In his defense, he's night shift. He's always been, but I used to be out partying and was always still out and about when he got off work. That's definitely not our lifestyle anymore, so a slight decline is to be expected, but I do try to wait up for him a couple nights a week, and make an effort at least one of those nights to be in something cuter than sloppy sweats. Even if it's tight yoga pants and a tank that just so happens to expose the very top of a lacey bra...yeah, I actually work really hard on the "effortless sexy" look. Nothing.
Another example that may be small, but big to me--he used to rub my lotion on my back for me before I got dressed in the mornings. He said he loved it because his hands would smell like me through the day. That stopped quite a while ago, but this past week I had to ask for his help out of necessity, thanks to staying in the tanning bed too long. You would have thought I asked him to rebuild the Great Wall of China, it was such a chore (and I wasn't peeling or gross, just red).
Wow, I've written a book, I need to take a break. Sorry about that, but it felt good to write it out. I'm going to try the books suggested and see what they have to say and continue to follow this board. Hopefully we can all kind of help each other through and keep each other updated with any successes.