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Gut feeling won't go away
I want to talk with someone but right now I don't have anyone I can personally share it with. I am incredibly uncomfortable with my husband's texting. I know he has more female friends than male friends (he's an ER nurse). We have had arguments about this in the past. I personally think my husband gets a "high" out of flirting with other females. I think that because he is married, he feels like it's safe and he can downplay it.
In the past he has gotten defensive saying that most of his friends are females. Obviously, I don't mind the occasional communication with his female friends but I feel that texting back and forth on a daily basis is just too much and inappropriate. I need for all of you to understand that I am not speaking out of insecurity, but out of caution. This evening, I briefly turned on his cell phone...I saw a message that said "I'm fine....but you know we can not be friends"....I could not read anymore because I had to enter in his password. This person, based on initials, is his ex-girlfriend. I'm really frustrated and it just confirms this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. How do I bring this up without making it seem like I've been snooping around?
Re: Gut feeling won't go away
What does he say when you've bought up the issue to him?
I understand your situation. My FI has no guy friends! None at all!! It's kind of annoying.
Most of them don't bother me because they don't talk that much, but this one girl really irks me and I'm pretty sure she has feelings for him, even though he denies it. At least I know that he doesn't have any feelings for her, but it doesn't make me feel that much better about her. They send eachother alot of facebook messages. I feel stupid because I dont understand most of the things they talk about (they are both English majors and they talk about dead writers that I dont know.) And get this. Since he doesn't have any guy friends, and she is his "best friend" (besides me of course
) she has to be a GROOMSWOMAN in our wedding! Grr! When we first got engaged he said she was going to be the "best nonman" which really drove me crazy for some reason. I know I'm probably being stupid about this whole thing.
Anyway, that was just a long winded way of saying I know how it feels to be jealous of other women in his life. I'm even jealous of his mom sometimes! That's crazy right? But thats a whole other story...
I would just talk about it with your DH. Just tell him that sometimes you feel jealous when he talks to other woman. Maybe you two can come up with some kind of compromise. Do you have alot of guy friends? If so, does he ever get jealous when you talk to them? Maybe if you prompt him to put himself in your shoes, he will understand how you feel. As far as the ex girlfriend goes, I have no idea how to approach that one. Hopefully if you just bring up the topic of other women (friends) in his life, he will talk about it if its a big deal.
Good luck with everything!
Not a red flag by itself.
OP - at this point, it doesn't matter that he will accuse you of snooping. Don't let him tell you that his flirting is your fault.
Sit him down and tell him that you find his behavior unacceptable and things need to change starting now. How long ago did his relationship with his ex end?
The biggest red flag to me is that you have, in the past, expressed your concerns to him and he doesn't seem to be taking them seriously. I'd try again, being upfront about the part of the text that you saw, and that you think it is from his ex. Ask him, give him a chance to own up to it. But be prepared that he won't.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Hmmm...
On one hand, based on his occupation, obviously he's going to be exposed to more women than men and it's easier to make friends w/ women in this situation.
I don't know that I'd be dictating what the "right" amount of texting is necessarily between friends. I have a few male friends and if I were to text w/ them "all day", it really would be 100% harmless and just something between friends.
On the other hand, though... the need to out and out FLIRT - that would bother me. He can't be friends w/ women w/o flirting?! That's the biggest flaw in his arguement.
Also, the context of the texts. it's one thing if they are just BSing to pass the day away, or what have you. But the text you read? Yeah.... that doesn't sit right w/ me at all.
Sure, he may try to turn this around on you. But dont' let him. Tell him "Yes, I snooped and that's wrong. however, that's a seperate issue that we can discuss once we're done w/ this topic. but right now we're going to focus on the content of this text and who it's too.....".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
sit him down and tell him he cant be friends with these women. Then be prepared for him to tell you to stuff it.
Either you trust him or you dont. Decide which it is.
Well, you WERE snooping, and you DON'T trust him. Own it. No one is entitled to your trust - if a guy acts in a way that seems shifty, by being overly flirty and contacting exes on the sly, then he doesn't even deserve your trust.
I don't have any advice on this issue, though. He has been shady all along, hasn't had any regard or respect for your comfort level in his dealings with other women ever. This is who he is. You need to look at yourself, and really try to figure out why you thought this guy was worth continuing to date, let alone worth marrying.
No it's not!
There are more reasons to having a password on things than doing it because you're cheating.
He openly flirts with them with you around? He's flirting, period?
Oye. He sounds like a hot mess.
A red flag for me also.
That exactly! And don't be afraid to confront him and own it. When his response is you were snooping, say "Yes and from the looks of it I have every reason to need to. If you want my trust you need to earn it" I would confront the issue of what you saw the ex write, what have you got to lose? A cheater if that is whats going on here. I've never had any problem confronting everything and its always worked in my favor. He'll be so shocked when you "own" to snooping and saying he deserves it he'll probably be speechless. I've never had a wrong gut instinct and I'm guessing yours isn't wrong here. Sure confrontation may cause an argument and possibly lead to a breakup but wouldn't you rather get the truth out if he is doing something behind your back?! GL
Having a phone password isn't a red flag, but you not knowing it is.
I would confront him about it. Why is he still talking to his ex after so long. I would trust your gut.
I agree with another poster, you not knowing the password is the part I would worry about. DH has a password on his phone but I know it. He has to have it because he receives work emails on it and it.
I totally agree... if he knows you have issues, I would say, hey, you know I have issues so I looked at your phone and saw...
Usually gut feelings don't lie
Good luck
Uh, no one said he was cheating. If you already have suspicions and have already dicussed your texting concerns with your H a password is a concern.