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mother drama! (Long)
My relationship with my mother is ok...not great....but not awful.
I've been having on-going knee problems and had a surgery consult this morning. Although I mentioned to my mom my knee problems about a year ago I didn't really mention it again. Mainly because she would have harped on me every time I talked to her and would have tried to tell me that I should spend all of my free time sitting with my feet up. It would have irritated me and caused on-going fights.
So after my appointment today I called her and told her that I would be having surgery in April. She completely freaked out and started telling me how hurtful it was that I didn't tell her that I was still having knee problems.
I tried to just move forward with the conversation but she kept yelling at me and telling me how hurt she was and how rude and difficult I am. She then tried to demand I promise to always tell her in the future when something is going in my life. I finally told her that I am a grown adult and don't have to tell her every detail of my life.
I guess I'm not asking any questions-just venting. My mother and step-father are very selfish and this was just a perfect example of how it was all about her and never once did she ask how my knee was today, was there anything she could do, what all did the doctor say...it was just all about how her feelings were hurt!
Re: mother drama! (Long)
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Strange as it may seem, this may just be her way of showing her concern and even care for you, in her own convoluted way. My mom is somewhat like you described, and I finally came to realize that some of the things she said - even when she was being hurtful - were her way of processing things and dealing with her concern.
Not that this excuses rude behavior, just something that's helped me deal with my mom.
I'm starting to wonder the same thing!! But the reason I did tell her is because we do live within an hour and it's going to be a little lengthy of a recovery and I wouldn't be able to hide it from her. I was originally going to tell her the week of the surgery but decided that was inconsiderate which is why I chose today.
I don't really doubt that she is concerned and cares about me...but I do get tired of it always being about her. I was floored that I called to tell her I'm having surgery and she instantly turned it in being all about her.
But when she's driving me nuts I'll try to remind myself that she really does care.
Why couldn't you hide it from her? I sorry if I sound rude, but it seems if I had someone in my life that responded like this, I would just avoid them. If I needed help, I would look for alternatives, using them as a last resort, and tell them when I had no choice. My mom, aka the nosiest person ever, lives forty-five minutes from me, and I can think of a zillion excuses to tell her so she doesn't come over if I am in recovery. Do you have to depend on her in some way where she will have to know?
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You need to change the way you deal with her. If you try to move forward with a conversation and she keeps harping on the same thing, learn to say "ok, obviously you are going to need time to digeset this news. I'll call you back in a few days." and hang up. (Or say "call me when you're ready to have a calm discussion.").
Don't phone your mom. Wait for her to phone you. If she calls again, tell her that you're not in the mood to listen to complain, and if she wants to talk to you, she has to be calm.
You also need to accept that for your mom, it's more about her than about you. You can still have a relationship with her, but you need to accept her for who she is.
My mom is not exactly the same, but can be difficult and bossy, and doesn't understand that I'm not interested in her advice. I don't share a lot of info with her. It would be nice if we were the type of mom-daughter that called each other every day and talked about everything, but we just don't have that kind of relationship. Now, it's easier for me to accept and focus on her good qualities b/c I am realistic about her faults and don't expect more.
GL!
No, I don't depend on her for ANYTHING! But the recovery time is 3 months, mother's day and her birthday will fall in that time so it isn't practical to hide it for that long.
Sorry to hear about your conversation with your mother. And best wishes for your surgery!
My MIL sounds a little like your mother. We do not tell her health related material assuming we can hide it. She gets all wigged out when one of us has a cold or a minor case of the flu. Nonetheless, when H had a suspicious mole he had it biopsied. We never told her about the biopsy or that the mole turned out to be pre-cancerous. Not worth the stress or constant bombardment with unsolicited advice. If it had turned out to be cancerous and he needed serious treatment, then we would have told her (we live within 20-minutes of my inlaws).
Hiding health issues is hard when you live so close. Unless you do can avoid a family member for an extended period of time (knee surgery will take some recuperation time) it's hard to hide something major/mid-major.
Good luck!
You're right, I have a bad habit of letting her wrap me up in conversations that cause frustration for both of us.
On the logical side I know that my mom and I can't have the type of relationship where we share everything and talk all the time...I just have a hard time when it's so blatantly obvious.
I will try to change my approach with her and not let her cause drama in my life.
"She gets all wigged out when one of us has a cold or a minor case of the flu."
That's EXACTLY my mother!! If I even mention one of us doesn't feel well she harps on us going to the doctor, resting, taking time off work. And if I say I have to do basic errands (grocery store, bank, gas station) she gets sullen and acts like I'm committing some crime because I'm not laying in bed.
There are still ways to get out of seeing each other then. Off the top of my head, if you don't have a week only 9 to 5 job, how about work? Or your car breaking down. Or just conflicting schedules. It is completely normal for two family members to miss out on each other for three months for reasons like the stated above. In fact I had all three of those reasons make it so I didn't see my mom for six months, and that was through three holidays, mother's day, her birthday and mine. Life happens sometimes, you just have to deal with it.
This is after the fact that the damage is done. I am just saying if you have future surgeries coming up after this one, I don't want you to feel trapped, other that promise she made make.
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You honestly think it's completely normal for a mother and a daughter to not see each other for 3 months when they live near each other because of things like car trouble and conflicting schedules? A mother and daughter are not just" two family members." Unless it was already common to go lengthy periods of time not seeing one another this would be very strange and her mother would become very suspicious. I agree with the OP - it would cause more drama not to tell.
OP - good luck with your surgery!
I do think it is normal, even for a mother and daughter. Even if they see each other very often, it shouldn't cause drama. People have lives outside of family, and sometimes that part of their lives take a larger role. People that care about their family understand that fact of life. I am not saying that one call with one situation of car trouble and conflicting schedules can excuse that long of a period. But constant car problems happen, and conflicting schedules can happen over and over again, even if both parties are trying their best to meet each other. A mom or daughter may be a little sad, lonely or worried about not being able to see their kin for so long, but it does not mean that there is any guaranteed drama. You can still call, text, email, and social network. Seeing someone in person is not the only way to contact a person.
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Okaaay then. We'll just agree that our normals are a tad...different.
Your Mother and my MIL would get along super well!
Oy vey, if we sound even remotely not perfect on the phone we are on the receiving end of extreme mothering (take off work, go to the doctor, you work SOOOOOO hard, take a break, I know so-and-so who thought she had a cold and it ended up being pleursy and she was hospitalized, you could DIE, yadda, yadda, yadda). H gets it worse than I (it's his mother). MIL forgets that H owns a business so if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid, and his customers go elsewhere. She hasn't worked in thirty years and chooses not to understand the whole work/ paycheck/ financial responsibility thing.
What type of knee surgery are you having?
I think you should take this opportuinty to take a stand, or at least make a point about what she says and how she treates you.
Based on what she said, how she screamed it and how she missed any opportunity to ask about you or your condition, I think it is an ideal time to get angry and push back.
You seem very willing to let this role right off you back and take the blame. While I applaud your common sense on your mother's behavior, I suggest you take this golden opportunity to tell her exactly WHY you delayed and HOW very hurtful her attack was. It may take more than one converation to get through. And a few fits of anger on both sides.
I wouldn't let this go so easily.
I think instead of bristling at her advice and defending your right to do things your way to her, you just need to let her blab out her advice, thank her, and then change the subject. Telling her "well, in a perfect world, mom, we WOULD do things your way, but we can't really take it easy, we've got x, y, and z to do this week," just invites her to continue trying to boss you around.
Instead, try saying, "thanks for the advice, mom! How's your health/job/hobby/whatever?" You're not agreeing with her, you're not caving in to her demands, you're just making it easier to deliver the news you need to deliver and get out of the conversation with your patience and sanity intact.