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Psycho friend vent. *LOOOONG*
I'll try to keep this short, because I'm all hormonal and ticked off, so it could get long and rant-y.
Edited to add: this is the longest post ever in the history of the Nest. Sorry. I understand if you don't make it through it. Just skip to the bottom half.
Backstory: I have this friend that I met back in the fall through mutual friends. She and I aren't the best of friends, we talk maybe once or twice a week on twitter & facebook. We see each other maybe every three weeks at get togethers in some of the same circles.
When we first started hanging out, she mainly wanted to talk about blogging (she was starting a blog at the time and she wanted me to help her) and also fitness, as she was trying to drop about 35 pounds and just live healthier. I was happy to oblige.
As I got to know she and her husband a little more, I've just noticed that we're really different. I mean, seriously different. Not that there's anything wrong with how she lives her life... it's just... so different from mine.
The first red flag came up when we went to dinner with her & her husband for the first time. When we invited them, I found it a little odd that she asked if the place was expensive because "we don't have a lot of money." First, I just thought it was strange to say "we don't have a lot of money" to someone you just met. Second, I never invite people to dinner somewhere pricey when we've never been out with them before, just for the reason of not knowing what they're comfortable spending on dining out. I mean, I told her where we were going and it was a crappy chain seafood restaurant.
At the end of dinner, the server asked if any of us needed a box. I declined - I have this weird thing about leftovers grossing me out, so I never take them home. Here's where it gets weird....
She asked if she could take my leftovers.
Seriously, all that was left on my plate was a little bit of scaley side of the salmon, a few things of asparagus and maybe a spoonful of potatoes.
Turns out, she says she's one of "those people" who don't think any food should be wasted as it's disrespectful to the animal I was eating.
Effing disgusting is what I'm calling it. I don't care who you are, I'm not taking your leftover fish home in a box to eat later. Gag.
The next week, she comes over to my house for coffee and for me to help her with something on her blog. She was all excited because on her way there, someone had set a carpet shampooer out in their trash and she stopped to get it.
Again, seriously?
Who knows WHAT they shampooed up with it and thus the reason it was probably sitting outside!
Aside from other things like that which are grossing me out, that's not even the big part of this.
Two weeks ago, I get an email from her after posting a status on FB which said "I'd love to hire an assistant, but I don't want to spend my annual Starbucks budget on one." I was trying to be funny, suggesting that I spend enough on coffee to pay a small salary (Thomas jokes that that's the case.)
So, she sends me an email saying this...
"Hi, I'm not getting a lot of work right now,and I know this could be silly but I asked (her husband) and he agreed that I should go ahead and ask you. i'd love to be considered for the job as your assistant if youre still looking for someone. what do you think?"
SERIOUSLY?
I had no idea what to say. After a few days, I kind of forgot about it and figured she did to. Nope, she emails me back to ask if I got the email. I kind of blew her off and said that I hadn't got around to checking my facebook emails yet. I guess I felt embarrassed for her or something.
As of today, it's been two weeks and she's sent me FIVE emails about me giving her a job. This morning, she sends me this after I emailed her and told her I had just been really busy and not checking my FB inbox...
"I sent you a message a few weeks back. Basically, it was a silly question, but we both figured it never hurts to ask. I am looking for work, my job just does not have enough. Are you in need of an assistant, you have joked about that before. See I said it was silly:-)
Well hope you are doing well!"
EFFING SERIOUSLY?
I'll spare you all of the other annoying details, seeing as how I've ranted enough. Basically, on top of this, she's stealing sayings and crap from my blog and it's just aggravating me. She also CONSTANTLY comments on everything on FB and Twitter that I post, and then when I'm not on for a few days, she texts me AND emails me... and then sends me a text to tell me she emailed me. And then the email is just asking why I haven't been on facebook and/or twitter in 27 hours.
I feel stalked. She's clingy.
Now that I've B*tched more than enough,how would you handle this? What would you say to her?
BFP on 2.2.11
Re: Psycho friend vent. *LOOOONG*
First off, you'll just have to face facts. You're cool, and people either want to be you or be with you. Just suck that up. It's a fact of life. :-)
As for responding to the specific inquiry on the job, just write back, "Hey -- got your message... my FB comment was just venting about life and work, and I'm not really in the market for an assistant right now. Good luck in your search." and leave it like that.
The constant quotoing of your blog and other stuff? That's going to happen, with this girl, with other people, whatever. That's part of your life as an ever-more-public persona that you're just going to have to deal with. THAT SAID, you should probably start weaning off of having her in your personal life. She's not bringing anything to your life (as we get older, we have to measure the value of "new friends" in terms of what we get vs what it costs us, because time and energy become so much more precious!)
If you're lucky, she gets the hint in a subtle way, that you're just not that into her. However, I suspect that anyone who asks for you to hire her, twice, probably doesn't grasp subtly.
If it gets to confrontation at any point, and you feel you need to be more honest about it, you can think about something like, "You know, I've enjoyed the opportunity to get to know you better, but I admit that, as we've done that, I've probably seen more of our differences than our similarities. I think you're really principled in some ways that are really important to you, and I respect that, but I think as we don't share some of those same thoughts, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable some times. And that's definitely my issue, not yours. But it means that you and I are probably not going to be able to spend more time together without us feeling uncomfortable, and that's not what either of us want, I'm sure. I know you're going to have great success in the future, and I look forward to reading about it on your blog."
Or something like that.... but you're a long ways away from "breaking up" with her, if you don't need to.
Good luck!
I love you, Kathy. Have I told you that before?
In that entire novel of a rant of mine, I left out a lot of the details and touched on the things really bothering me with her. Unfortunately, I think it actually is time to "break up" with her. I've talked it out with Thomas and he agrees, too.
I was getting really emotional about it (I'm blaming everything on hormones right now) and I just could not, for the life of me, find a way to say it quite so eloquently. What you suggested I say is PERFECT.
Thank you. I feel like I should pay you for such awesome service.
BFP on 2.2.11
So glad it helped you get a different handle on how to address it... good luck, and let me know if you want to walk through any other ideas off line. Always happy to help you or any of the girls out (and some of you have taken me up on that, which I love!)
Anyway, as for paying me... some day, your fancy life will take you on an adventure that takes you up to Boston. At that time, I will insist that you find time to meet me in person and buy me some Starbucks. Sound fair? :-)
Good luck, and keep us posted.
Thank you so much! I may have to take you up on that. For some reason, she just pushes my buttons. I just seem to lack the ability to deal with her clinginess. Also, when she doens't take a hint, it drives me insane.
My people skills suck right now. Haha!
As far as Boston - YES! I'm actually hoping to be up that way soon-- a friend is getting married and I'll have to attend some of her bridal things. Coffee date it is!
BFP on 2.2.11
She really is kind of Psycho! I feel like she knows my every move.
And it's SO rare that I don't get along with or like someone. I just don't know what it is about her.
BFP on 2.2.11
Wives Unscripted
This.
And, I'm totally with you on the leftover thing.It's weird though. Like if I order dessert to go, I don't have a problem with that. But crap, that's half eaten? No thanks. That being said, I kind of feel bad for her - they're obviously struggling financially. Are they irresponsible with their money?
Welcome to the dark side
I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like this. I was worried I was being too harsh. I really, really have never come across anyone that gets under my skin like this. I like everyone! It really bothers me.
Em - I left the financial thing out. This is what I don't get... the openly tell people in our group of friends that they can't do this or can't do that because they're broke. He works full time, but she DOESN'T! That's what I really don't get. I mean, it's one thing to complain about money ALL the time when you're both doing what you can to make ends meet. But she just doesn't work. I don't get it. And I don't get why she thinks I would actually have the money to pay someone a salary?! SMH.
BFP on 2.2.11
I know people like that. It's like if you spent half as much time looking for a job as you did complaining about not having one... I don't want to sound heartless. I know the economy sucks and I am blessed. It just seems that the people who whine the loudest are generally the laziest. Anyways, she sounds like a real winner.
Welcome to the dark side
I agree. And I realize that there are people out there who can't even get work that are well qualified (I'm witnessing that in my own family right now, unfortunately.) She doesn't really have a background in anything and there are TONS of jobs in Charlotte right now. I just don't get it.
BFP on 2.2.11
I would just tell her the job thing was a joke on how much you spend at starbucks, that you really don't need an assistant.
The rest of it.. ugh. I would tell her that you work really hard on your blog and the golden rule of blogging is that she cannot take others things and put it on hers without permission (use the email you sent to that one lady).
I'm not good with friend break ups, I'm bad and just become distant or ignore, but if you want to rip the band-aid off, KathyGee had a good "dear john" letter. It sounds like you need to be blunt, she doesn't get subtleties.
Good luck.
DD: 6-24-11
EDD: 9-20-14
I am sure it is awkward. Just back away slowly.
On a sidenote, Ben would totally offer to take your leftovers at dinner, but only if he knew you well enough and there was enough to justify it. It is his quirky thing, him and leftovers but it got us through the recession.
October 11, 2008
Trusty Gal blog|Trusty Tales
She sounds like a stage 5 clinger to me.
Mrs. Little Drew 10/25/08
Blog
TTC since 1/2010 - Dx with Stage IV Endo
11/10 - 100mg Clomid + trigger + IUI + Estradiol + Progesterone = BFN
12/10 - Unmedicated cycle due to RE not doing treatments in December = BFN
1/11 - 100mg Clomid + trigger + IUI + Estradiol + Progesterone = BFN
2/11 - Same sh!t, different month = IUI cancelled due to no response = BFN
IVF #1 - Start stims (Follistim) 5/10, add in Ganirelix 5/14
ER 5/21 - 13 retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized; ET 5/26 - transferred one perfect 1AA blast. 3 snowbabies.
Beta 6/3 - 15.8; Beta 6/7 - 21.8; Beta 6/10 - 7
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*~PAIFW/SAIFW~*
I agree..