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DH is mad and won't tell me why
Whenever DH gets upset, be it with me or anyone else, he denies that anything is wrong, and just stews on it. As an example, a couple of years ago he was mad at his sister about something, and instead of talking with her about it, he just stopped talking to her for 6 months.
So today he's upset about something. I can just tell by his facial expressions and actions. We carpool to work, and on the way I first asked him, "Is everything OK?" because something's not right. He responds affirmatively. Still acting "off" 10 minutes later (one-word answers to questions, etc.), so I ask him, "Is something the matter", he responds "no"; finally when I drop him off, I ask "What's the matter" and he replies "nothing", gives me the "look" that I know means there is something, and then slams the door and storms off. And please don't think I'm imagining that something is bothering him -- he's got a very bad poker face when it comes to things like this.
So my question is, what do I do now? Do I act like nothing is wrong because that's what he's telling me (even though I know it is not true). I feel like I can't force him to tell me -- do I just wait until he comes around? It really drives me bonkers when he won't tell me what he's upset about so that we can work through it. We've been married for 5 years, and this has happened a couple of times. It usually will go on for a couple of days and then something will happen that will cause him to get over whatever is bothering him (an evening out with friends, crisis with the kids, etc.)
Re: DH is mad and won't tell me why
Good god, is your H 12 years old?
No, you can't "force" him to tell you, but as we all learned around the 5th grade, people who behave this way want nothing more than for you to fall all over yourself coddling them and begging them to tell you what's wrong. Stop doing that.
I would probably say something along the lines of, "I can see you're upset about something, but it's not going to be resolved by you giving me the silent treatment and I'm not going to beg you to talk to me. When you're ready to act like an adult, let me know." And then go about your business.
If my husband behaved this way more than once, we would not be married. Seriously--life is too short to be spent with a manchild.
Is he being nasty to you/the kids, or is he just moping around?
If he's not being unkind to any of you, I would just let him cool off. Continue on with your day as usual and don't try to get anything out of him - he will talk about it (or suck it up and get over it) when he's ready. Some people just like to process things internally and then move on. Or it could be a cry for attention - maybe he's hoping that you'll beg him to tell you what's wrong, that you'll be extra nice to make him happy, or that you'll apologize even if you didn't do anything wrong and he'll "win" your argument. If you don't pay attention to his moodiness, maybe he will cut it out if he sees that it doesn't work.
If he's at all nasty to you, I would say, "If you have a problem with something I did, tell me directly so we can talk about it. Otherwise, if this has nothing to do with me, do NOT talk to me that way. Take it up with the person who's making you feel this way."
He didn't speak to his sister for six whole months? Wow. I mean, MH can be sulky sometimes if he's angry with me or someone else, but he gets over it within the day or he tells me what's wrong and we talk about it. Six months is extreme ... depending on what she did, I guess ... I can understand him not speaking to her if she did something really awful to him, but if she teased him about his new haircut or something then he's really being a ridiculous baby.
If this is a constant thing with him and it's making your lives unhappy, though, then he needs to grow up and learn how to communicate with you if he's mad about something you did. If someone else has made him upset, he needs to learn how to talk it over with them, how to cut bad people from his life, or just learn how to fix the problem. If it's a work problem, he needs to let it roll off his back, buckle down and work harder, talk to HR/confront the person who's making him miserable, or just find a new job.
There's really nothing you can do about it if he won't tell you what 'it' is that is bothering him so much. Tell him that and see how he responds.
You definitely have my sympathy though. That kind of PA behavior is just exhausting.
You and your H need a better form of communicating. What he is doing is not healthy for your relationship. When he has stopped being mad, I would tell him "we need to talk, because I deserve better than the way you are acting, and we need a better strategy for when you are angry." Do not wait until the next time he is mad, and do not sweep this under the table.
If he is mad at something outside of your family (job, his parents, sports team lost an important trade), tell he can say something like "I am angry (disappointed, etc.), but it's not something I want to talk about." It's ok for your H to be angry, and to not want to "talk about it." Not everybody likes to share their feelings. It can be especially hard, for example, if he is angry at his family members, and you don't like them anyway, so you'd just be getting more ammo (that doesn't make you a bad person, but can explain why he wouldn't want to share). Or he hates his boss, and you think his boss under-appreciates him, too....of course you are on his side, but sometimes he doesn't need that.
On the other hand, if he is angry at YOU, then he needs to say "yes, I am angry, yes, it is about something between us, but I don't want to talk about it NOW." However, he doesn't get a four day pass to be moody and angry! If he acts like that for more than a few hours, I'd tell him to leave the house and come back when he is ready to talk! Let him have up to an hour to calm down and chill, but it's not fair for him to be angry and not even tell you why. Marriage is about being part of a team, and he's a poor team player if he expects you to just accept his anger without his telling you why, or how to help solve the problem.
Agreed: this is childish and no way to handle anger.
I suggest anger management inasmuch as he needs to start addressing anger like a rational full grown adult and not a little kid. You don't need this -- he won't say what's wrong and you get to walk on eggs around him and wonder just what it is that upset his little apple cart.
Agree with SueBear.
That sort of passive-aggressive sh!t is simply not conducive to a healthy adult relationship, and is an incredibly emotional immature way to deal with emotions.
I would also suggest marital counseling. This is certainly not something that just started this morning, and I am going to imagine that if it has been going on this long, there are a few other communication issues that need to be addressed here too.
It's not passive aggressive. Some people need time to process things. I'm one of them. If something bothers me I need to be left alone to think about it, analyze it, just try to get to the bottom of it in my own head before I talk to someone else. I'm not wanting my husband to beg me for answers, I'm not seeking attention, I just need some time in my own head. I need to think about what I want to say.
It's perfectly normal for some people even if it isn't your normal.
Don't ask him about it again, and don't let it ruin your day. He'll either tell you what's up or he won't; but you do not have to dance around him begging him to tell you what it is that's on his pointy little mind. People like this want you to beg, plead, whine, guess, drive yourself nuts trying to figure it all out while they stew and pout in all their power adn control.
If he can't tell you what's wrong, it must not be very important. Keep occupied, and enjoy yourself. I can't imagine he's Mr. Mature at any time, much less when he's pissed at whatever, so you're doubtless getting a break from his other asssholinesses.
It is when he is responding "no there is nothing wrong" and yet slams doors, or stops talking to someone (such as his sister) for six months because he would rather do that then not talk about it at all.
That is not the same as needing time to "process". I often like time to think about things as well...however, I don't say there is "nothing wrong" if I am upset about something. There is a big difference between saying "I am upset, and would like some time to think about it on my own before we talk about it" and saying "no, nothing is wrong" while slamming the door or giving the silent treatment.
It sounds like he does not even talk about it later! The OP just said that something else comes up to take his mind away from it.
I don't think she should nag him about what is going on right now, but when he has finally cooled down, they really need to sit down and talk, because whether it is HIS normal or not, it is not healthy to just give his spouse the silent treatment or slam doors while denying anything is going on (and never talking about it either).
Could he have some traits that make it difficult for him to function as a mature adult in the social and emotional realms of relationships? Very common in families with your unique dynamic.
Just to give some perspective from the opposite side of the coin; I am the type of person to not say anything about something that I may be really upset about right away, especially if I think my initial reaction will lead to me saying/doing something I will regret later. I willingly admit I have a hot temper and that's the easiest way to control it (although it's never taken me 6 months to do it).
DH has learned sometimes it's just better to let me deal with it in my head for a little while and let me cool down. He used to trying asking me over and over, but that usually leads to me getting more annoyed that he kept asking and then he would end up getting the reaction I was trying to avoid in the first place.
The agreement we have come to is if he notices I'm upset but I haven't said anything about it he will say, "I can tell you're upset, we can talk about it when you are ready." and they he lets it go. Honestly it's helped me to cool down faster as well since he acknowledges I'm upset about something and is willingly giving me my space to deal with it. Usually we end up talking about it shortly there after, because the fire hasn't been fueled by me getting increasingly annoyed that he keeps asking about it.
I'm not saying this is how we handle every problem, a lot of them we talk immediately, but sometimes I just need my space to cool down and think it through. Maybe this is a similar approach you can take with your DH to diffuse the problem from the start.
And wow.. just realized how long that was.. oops!
Good point, Auntie. And now that I've given it some more thought, you may be spot on. There are def. moments when he does things that are inappropriate without realizing it at all, and he still doesn't get it even when I bring it to his attention.
Lots of people are this way, and that's fine. What's NOT fine is behaving in a way that clearly indicates you're upset about something while denying there's anything wrong or worse, not speaking at all. The grown-up thing to do is to say, "Yeah, I'm upset, but I'm not ready to talk about it right now. I need some time to mull it over and then I can talk about it." That way you get to have time in your own head without being a passive-aggressive douchebag.
Wow, while I don't think this is a good communication tactic for the OP DH, that is harsh. If your DH doesn't speak to you the right way twice, he is out the door. Those would be some strict guidelines to live in. Two strikes and you are OUT.
I need to process things and be by myself, too. The problem is that the OPs husband is being snippy, stops talking to people, "is in a bad mood" for SIX MONTHS (even if it's six days, that's too much!).
It IS passive-aggressive for someone to ACT like they are angry (silent treatment, moody, crabby), but insist that there is nothing wrong. An adults who needs space can say "yes, I'm angry, I need some time to cool off (retreat, etc.)," and then you owe it to the person you are angry at to discuss it. It's not fair to be angry and have someone guessing what they did wrong.
speaking from experience, i had gone through the same thing for a couple years after dh and i married. i tried many different approaches and nothing seemed to work. so i decided to making him acknowledge what vibe he was putting out when he would start to go into his silent upset ritual. not after ... because he will claim that he doesnt remember acting that way. so when dh starts acting up , i kindly ask him if there is something troubling him . he says no and thats when i tell him that his actions, attitude, body language etc. say different. i'll leave the issue alone so he can think about it and change his attitude. (when speaking to him, i never use a harsh tone or words because that will just get him more upset, then his valid reason for acting pissy will be you)
good luck with the temper tantrums