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Feeling defeated today
For NO GOOD REASON!!
I really don't know what's happening to me! I'm losing it, I think. I spent almost all of last night on the verge of tears! And today's not looking much better. But for the life of me I can't put my finger on any 1 thing that happened yesterday to make me feel this way.
I burnt the potatoes I was making for dinner, DS was crabby, H wasn't home yet, the house paymentis LONG past due, we have bills coming out our eyeballs, and I feel guilty for spending the money every time I have a therapy session! These are not new things, I deal with them on a daily basis, but for some reason I just hit a wall (figuratively speaking, of course). So what did I do, I put together some food for DS, put him in his high chair to eat, opened a beer and sat on the floor and had a melt down! Unfortunately, H came home from work right in the middle of my melt down, and I only cried harder when he asked me what was wrong! I feel like a blubbering idiot still even though the melt down happened last night.
Something positive happened out of it though, I guess. H actually sat on the floor with me and we talked about our finances and the amount of stress I'm feeling from work, home, and bills. He actually listened and responded! I put all my "stressed out" cards on the table, and explained how I felt overwhelmed by it all and he actually listened... The fact that we were able to have an actual conversation about both money AND emotions was a pretty big step in the right direction, I think. It shows progress on both our parts in that I was able to address the issues I had, and he was able to listen without getting defensive, but I still feel stupid.
I don't know that we came up with a plan really, but I think he finally understands that getting a real job is no longer an option. So, I can take a small victory from that, I guess. What he does with that knowledge is up to him, but it was nice for him to at least acknowledge it.
I feel like I'm a complete failure, and I can't concentrate at work, and that's making me feel worse. I know this is ridiculous, and unfounded, and completely out of the ordinary for me but it just hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. What the heck?!?!
sorry for yet another long post, but I had to get this off my chest, and I'm hoping that with the release will come a little comfort... Thanks for reading.
Re: Feeling defeated today
It will all work out. Financially my dh and I have been in similar boats and normally he would instead of listening he would just blow up.Atleast you are both now on the same page, he listened and hopefully can help w/a plan. GL
being on the same page is nice, but I don't feel like I'll be able to accept the "it will all work out" feeling until I know HOW it's going to work out. I feel like I need a plan for everything. Once I have a plan and it's in place and implemented, I'm better. But with no plan and no idea how to make it better, I just feel like I'm floundering. H says it will be ok, and we'll make it work, but I don't find comfort in that right now because there's no plan.
Hang in there and things will get better. I will say though, do not to feel guilty about seeing your councelor and do not stop going. Last year my hubby and I were in financial straights and I was at a job I loathed. I was falling deep into depression (crying everyday, feeling hopeless and useless) and going to see a therapist was what helped me cope as well as make changes that were needed for my recovery.
It sounds like you have the love and support of your family and that is a huge help.
Actually, the strangest part of this is that H has a tendency to NOT be supportive and loving. So, his actions last night were a bit unexpected. Nice, but unexpected.
I think we're going to have to sell the house. We're upside down on it, but I just don't see us being able to make the payments anymore. I have mixed feelings about it.
On one hand, I'm sad. This was our first home, we had our son here. Moving is going to mean big changes for us. We'll probably have to switch day cares, adjust to smaller living spaces, find somewhere that will allow us to have our dog and cat. This is the only home DS has ever known, and I know he's young and he'll adjust just fine, I'm sad that we won't be able to live there longer.
On the other hand, I knew when we bought the house we weren't ready. I felt it in my gut. I even told H, but I went a long with it for ALL the wrong reasons. When we bought the house we lived in a duplex and literally shared a living room wall with the ILs. I wanted out of there so bad I could taste it! But in my heart I knew we weren't ready. I shouldn't have let H talk me into it.
I feel sick. I just don't know what to do anymore, but I take a little comfort in the fact that H is finally listening and realizing that this is something that we need to take seriously. I've been fighting his attitude toward money for years! At least we're finally seeing things the same way... I just wish we didn't have to lose the house.