October 2008 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What do I do?
Ok so a little back story. My sister is getting divorced. She had an affair with this guy and now they are together. She still lives in the house with my BIL who I loved. Anyways, she is now pregnant with twins and is due in August. She told me tonight that the new BFs mom wants to talk to me about having a baby shower for her. Well, I did this for her already for my nephew when he was first adopted. I don't like when people have second showers. I also was upset about the whole divorce and the fact that she lied for so many months. So what do I do? Do I look like the jerk sister and say hey I've done this already? Or do I bite my tongue. I should add that I might lose my summer school job so we are already trying to come up with that extra money.
Re: What do I do?
Mrs. Little Drew 10/25/08
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Zoey Emma 08.18.10
If you don't want to do it, don't do it. You do not sound like a bad sister
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"One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in and where you want to go." ---Sheila Murray Bethel
October 11, 2008
Trusty Gal blog|Trusty Tales
This.
Welcome to the dark side
Everyone's given you good advice on how to ANSWER her, but you still should work on your own feelings, or they're going to keep coming up as a barrier for you, and could impact your relationship in the short or long run.
Who knows what kind of conversation happened between your sister and her BF"s mom? Does his mom have other grandchildren? If not, she may view this as her first opportunity to go to a shower for grandchildren.
And, to be honest, as much as it's a second shower for *her*, it's not a second shower for her with the same father. It's a bit different, and traditional rules we all grew up with an feel comfortable with don't always apply to the modern world.
Even if *you* don't throw one for her, someone might, so you may just have to figure out how to get on board with the notion that the life you imagined to have with your sister -- this one husband, raising kids and families together with you and your own family -- isn't what's going to happen in the future. And that means that some things are going to come up -- like a different family wanting to have a shower -- that might feel out of whack.
Your sister is going to need support from the people who do and who do not know her well, who will judge and question for the next many months, maybe longer. Be the sister you'd want to have if you found yourself on the path you never thought you'd be on.
That doesn't mean "throw her a shower". It means "find the best way to make sure she knows your still her sister, you still lover her, and you've got her back." It doesn't mean spending money, but it does meaning making sure you're honest with yourself and with her about what you're struggling with and where you're trying to get to, for you, for her, and for you soon to be nieces or nephews. One step at a time, and you'll get there, and learn to love her and her new life, regardless of whether or not she made the same choices you think you would in her shoes,
Good luck!
What pp said, just say you can't afford it. I would have a hard time with it too.
I mean if you wanted to be somewhat generous you could maybe volunteer to bring a dish, but I wouldn't go further than that.
Wives Unscripted
I also agree with Kathy, you need to resolve your feelings with the new relationship. We're in a similar situation with DH's sister, except there are no kids involved and she doesn't still live with her ex. She's marrying the guy she had a year long affair with next month (They've been together for 2 or 3 years now). We all really loved her first husband and have had a hard time adjusting to the new guy. He is a nice guy and treats her well and make her happy. And that is what we try to focus on. We do still have the fact that this is the guy (even though SIL persued him) that broke up the first marriage in the back of our heads every time we see him. It is hard to get past but eventually it gets easier. Good luck.
eh- i don't think whether or not you want to throw your sister a shower should be a whole 'dig deep down and get in touch with your feelings.' not everything is so cut and dry. you have a right to have mixed emotions and one day maybe you'll get over it but maybe you won't. i personally find it difficult to forgive so easily when someone does something i am so strongly against (whether it's their life or not.)
Zoey Emma 08.18.10