Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH doesn't Like Sister
Hi Ladies,
I am really at a loss as to what to do or say anymore. At first, DH liked my sister okay. They weren't close, but he would talk and interact with her on a regular basis. Since we have gotten married though DH has really started disliking my sister. I was very close to her, but since the wedding we have drifted apart due to a new routine and him being irritated with her. She is the baby of the family (she is 27 and never has had a serious relationship) and I don't think she understands what a marriage really entails. She has done some pretty immature things that have really rubbed DH the wrong way. She isn?t a druggie or anything like that. She has a full-time job and lives on her own, but she still has this immature ora about her.
One case that really sticks out in my mind was when we were house hunting? We found this amazing foreclosure and we were super excited for it. The moment we walked in we knew that it was THE house. It was big and more than anyone in my family has had, but it was a great deal. I think she felt like the house was too grandiose and showing and it was immediately evident that she felt this way and was not happy for us at all. She actually went out to the car and pouted there while we talked with our agent. Now, I know this was an immature reaction. I don?t condone it in any way. A few days later she apologized for her reaction and said that she was happy for us. But this has put a wedge between my DH and her.
It has gotten to the point where I can't hardly mention her name without him saying something negative about her. He doesn't even really want to be in the same room as her because he feels as though he has to walk on eggshells with her because she may have an exaggerated reaction to something someone says. I know she is immature. Her actions irritate me too, but I just don't know what to do. I love my DH and he comes first in my life now, but this strain of him disliking her so much is really breaking my heart.
DH claims that I don?t listen to him about how he feels, but I don?t intentionally force them to hang out together. I know he doesn?t like her, but there are going to be times that she is going to be around. I love my DH and I love my family and I want everyone to just get along? I don?t really know what to do.
Re: DH doesn't Like Sister
First, it's AURA.
Second, why in the world do you guys give her any power? So what if she didn't like the house you were looking at? BFD! SHe isn't going to live there. Who cares if she goes and sits in the car? You guys are letting your mood be effected by her actions for no apparent reason.
Thirdly, your husband needs to grow up. We all have to deal with annoying people every day. So what if she isn't mature -- why is he letting her behavior get to him? She isn't acting horrible to you guys -- asking for money or bringing drunk friends over to vomit on your lawn, so why is your DH so cranked about her?
Stop involving your sister in events that should just be between you and your DH. And if she pouts at the drop of a hat, I don't blame him for wanting to limit his time with her.
There's no reason why most of your time with her can't be spent apart from your DH.
The reaction to the house thing sounds like jealousy. She may be 27 and independent, even immature, but that may not mean she's not interested in the same life goals as you are. I am 27 also and one of my best friends of many years is like your sister. On paper she is an adult, and I know she is interested in finding someone and having an adult life, but she just completely fails at relationships. I don't know why some people do great and some don't, but the last year or two I've started to realize I need to be careful with her not to seem like I am 'showing off'.
If you really want to spend time with sis, it may be good for DH's sake to try and spend one-on-one time with her, and only make him see her during family gatherings. It's not fair to exclude her completely. Maybe for her sake too, it would be good to back off a little?
Why on earth was your sister house hunting with you? Was there a plan that she move in?
Your DH has a DW problem, He should come first and you should listen to how he feels and validate it. Plan any time to be spent with your sis as being solo time without DH.
You can't make your DH like your spoiled, immature sister. You can't make him want to socialize with her. I do think you can expect him to tolerate seeing her at functions where the entire family is included, as long as she's not being explicitly nasty to your H or singling him out or anything.
I think this would be a good compromise:
--if you're going to get together with your sister to visit and socialize specifically with her, your H gets to skip it.
--if you go to your family's for a holiday or family function, he can choose whether to come along.
--if it becomes necessary for you and your DH hold a holiday or family function at your home, immature sister is invited along with the rest of the family, and H rolls with it as long as she is just generally spazzy and not horrid to him personally.
Why would your sister go with you to see this house with your agent? This seems like a you and H thing.
Listen to your husband, he sounds like he has valid reasons for not liking your sister and for not wanting to be apart of her life. Recognize this, there is no need in denying that he's right here. Do you stand up to your sister when she's being ridiculous? or do you sympathize with her outbursts and give her the upper hand over your marriage? He only needs to see her at bigger family events, otherwise until your sister can act like a normal person hangouts with her should just be the two of you.
While I agree that your sister is immature and you should limit her time around DH, she is not the only one acting immature here.
It has gotten to the point where I can't hardly mention her name without him saying something negative about her. He doesn't even really want to be in the same room as her because he feels as though he has to walk on eggshells with her because she may have an exaggerated reaction to something someone says.
Your husband has told you how he feels, and does not have to spend time with her. Picking her apart everytime you mention her name does nothing but irritate already agitated feelings. You say it's breaking your heart; your husband should recognize this and try to make things easier on you rather than exasperating the problem.
2013 Calendars and More!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto that this is on your DH. I'm dealing with the same prob. My DH doesn't like my sister either. I can't mention her or anything about her without him rolling his eyes or saying something negative. She's not a horrible person... has a phD lives like 600 miles from us and has done nothing to intentionally hurt either one of us. But, she does have her character flaws-- we all do. My Family's Christmas was ruined b/c he made it known he doesn't like her.
My advice -- you cant' change your sister. Explain this to your DH tell him this bothers you. Try and separate the two and identify what is "couple activities" and keep her uninvolved. Tell him to grow up and get over the past. you cant change what happened but it's not fair to hold grudges. Remind your DH that he has relatives that may get under your skin but you would never act that way. If worse comes to worse, try counseling. Unfort. this is prob the route I am going to resort to.
GL
Yeah, I agree with DaringMiss, Captain, and ECB.
I think your H should get to limit his exposure to her to some degree. It doesn't sound like she is specifically rude or hostile to him, she is just high-maintenance and pouty (is this accurate?). So he should not have to hang out with someone like that often if he does not want to.
However, he sounds like he is being really immature about this. Him badmouthing her all the time and so forth should stop. That being said...
These words of yours:
"DH claims that I don?t listen to him about how he feels, but I don?t intentionally force them to hang out together. I know he doesn?t like her, but there are going to be times that she is going to be around."
are ominous to me. I wonder if he were posting here if he would say that you are always inviting her over to hang out or to tag along when you go somewhere. I agree with PP that he should be allowed to limit his exposure to certain family events and you should do the bulk of your hanging out with your sister without your H.
Look, I detest my SIL. I can't stand her. And there are times when she comes up in conversation that I go off a bit on her (when it is just me and my H talking). She stole from my H and lied to us and sometimes I indulge my anger at her for that. But most of the time, I keep my mouth shut, and listen to my H's news about her without much comment. Your H should be able to do that--but the other thing is that I refuse to spend much time with her. When I do, I make nice and basically act like a big phony but I would put my foot down if my H expected me to socialize with her a lot.
It has gotten to the point where I can't hardly mention her name without him saying something negative about her.
My H use to do the same about my sister but I told him it hurt my feels that he was so negative about someone who had never said or did anything mean to him. He stopped immediately. He may not like her life choices (I'm not a fan of some of them either), but he never says anything negative about her anymore. Your H can do the same.
That being said, they don't have to hang out whenever you and your sister want to. He can & should opt out. For family functions he can suck it up and be polite.
YES! This is exactly what I was thinking. Someone you don't like in small doses is tolerable; someone you don't like in constant large doses will fill you with a perpetual rage that makes every breath that person takes a wrong they do you and for which you feel justified in bashing their skull. I don't speak from experience or anything. *shifty eyes*
LOL, Kuus.
Yes! This is what I was thinking as well.
OP, I get that you want your H and your sister to get along. But trying to force it by getting them to spend more time together is only going to make things worse.
Thank you! :P
Married to my best friend 6/5/10
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12.