need advice on how to deal with this family problem

future_mrs.dash · March 2011

My family lives 3 hours away. Everytime i go to visit my sister will only spend about an hour of time with me when my husband and I visit or even when i visit. I have asked them to spend more time with me, but it doesn;t work. They have only come to visit 2 times since I moved away 4 years ago. My sister said to me that she feels like I am not there for her. I told her I would always be there for her no matter what. It makes me so mad. I talked to my mom about it and she says it sounds like I am home sick. I told her maybe they should come visit. I don't know what to do anymore to make them understand that the relationship that I have with them is all about give and take... not them just taking. Please help?

srgw · March 2011

My parents and 3 of my 4 sisters live 2.5 hours away. H and I visit them way more often than they visit us. We live in a tiny apartment so they have to stay in a hotel when they visit us vs their extra bedrooms when we visit them. I'm not getting why you're so upset about that. Of my 4 sisters, 2 have never been to visit me. It's not the hill to die on... or even be upset about IMO. If you were a plane ride or long hours away I think being upset would have more merit.

I would be upset that your sister doesn't spend time with you when you do visit and then whines you're not close. That would annoy me. A lot.

The relationship itself is the problem, apparently. You can be close without seeing each other a lot. Skype, email and phone calls are great ways to stay in touch. If you've told them you feel they should visit you more often and they won't, I guess you meet them where they're at. Or you could issue an ultimatum of some kind.

macycruz · March 2011

You may have to try a different approach like an email or letter and then when they come to you or you go to them plan something that everyone would enjoy and want to be a part of something fun. I have some issues like this with my brother that phase in an out- just tell them that you all need to mutually agree to work at this because you are tired of making all the effort- I do think planning the one good event may get the ball rolling and then you can pass it to someone else the following visit. Hope this helps

Belichick · March 2011

Does your sister have a point? Did you ask her to elaborate on why she doesn't feel that you're there for her?

I'm assuming when you go visit your family you mean your parents and she chooses not to stay. It sucks and I can understand your frustration, but you can't force her to be close to you. If there is some truth to what she said then you can work on being there for her more, but if you feel its just something she said arbitrarily there's not much you can do.

I know it's easier said than done, but you may need to accept that you are not going to have the relationship with her that you've hoped for.

EastCoastBride · March 2011

I'm w/ belichick on this. Especially about accepting the relationship for what it is. It sucks if she doesn't want to be closer to you, bu tyou can't force it.

heartlyric · March 2011

I have a very similar situation with a very needy family member. It can be hard to find a compromise that isn't me giving my all and them giving what they feel like. You should see if they are willing to learn how to use Skype. I gets a little getting used to but it makes it easier to communicate with more than one person, and it can give you more of a home like feeling. My sister actually gave my brother, who is three hundred miles away, a tour of the area with video chat not too long ago because he was missing his hometown so much. If they won't do that, there is always text, email, social networking helped me when there was a long time between visits.

need advice on how to deal with this family problem

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Re: need advice on how to deal with this family problem

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