Put the Mask on Yourself FIRST!!!

MotherMary8 · March 2011

I come to learn my husband likes to put the mask on everyone else first, then he thinks about putting on the mask for himself second. He likes to be at everyone's rescue but himself. I have to come along make sure our own obligations, responsibilities, and fiances are taken care of. In return he thinks I am selfish, nagger, and negative towards life. Life is funny sometimes...everyone see's him as the selfless giver...but behind the scenes...I am the one desperately holding our life together. His actions shows me he has low self worth and is subconsciously looking for approving outside of himself. My parents and his parents really take advantage of it by asking for a lot from him. I love him unconditionally because I want him to know you don't have to give the shirt off your back for people to love or even like you.This is affecting our life. He gave away our townhouse to HIS dad without discussing with me and give my demanding parents money without discussing with me. Now my parents wants us to move in with them to help them pay household bills.I like some good advice on how to let my husband know he doesn't have to be like this.

mbcdefg · March 2011

If you've told him that he needs to consult you before major life decisions, and he just calls you names (nagger, selfish, etc.) and does what he wants anyway ... I'd be telling him that HE is free to do whatever he wants on his own. And then I would pack up and leave.

ausbrolm · March 2011

You have to reassure him he i a great man and you love him and that these people are taking advantage of him. He will have to become secure in his own right by himself. My h is insecure too and naive. We just have to be supportive and absolutely put our feet down and tell them that we have to make important decisions together.

heartlyric · March 2011

Go to conseling, there is more than one issue here. You can't move forward without solving them. Also, I think you might have consider putting on your own mask, as you put it. I don't know if you noticed but it almost sounds like you are enabling his behavior. He might be so willing to give the shirt off his back because he knows you will buy him another one before he gets cold. If you aren't there to save his butt when he is saving others, what is he going to do once it starts to get chilly? He might be stubborn and try to make it work still, or with your loving words he might see that he is worth more than this, and that they are grown up and they can deal with their own problems.

bellapteris · March 2011

I would definitely recommend couples counseling. It's great to be a selfless giver, but he's giving away pieces that don't belong completely to him (i.e. townhouse or joint funds).

Ultimatums are not my style, but at the beginning of my marriage I had to use some strong words with my H to get him to understand how some of his behaviors did not fly in a marriage. They were fine when he was a bachelor, or when we were engaged, but when we got married the behaviors impacted me and our relationship. It was selfish of him to assume that I would just pick up and do everything his way (and vice versa).

rkto · March 2011

this post is full of metaphors.

OP - I agree that you need to sit down with your husband and look over your finances and show him where the money he is "giving" away is going and where that leaves you with respect to your goals, etc. If he wants to do things his way regardless, then maybe counseling, etc.

renegade gaucho · March 2011

How do you react when your parents try to take advantage of you and your husband? Do you tell them no?

livingitup · March 2011

MotherMary8:
Now my parents wants us to move in with them to help them pay household bills.

So, this demand is still on the table?

I remember your previous post. Your parents can't afford their home but refuse to downside and think the solution is for you to move-in to pay their bills,while they treat you like crap, right? You seemed quite sure this would be a horrible disaster for you both emotionally and financially, but now it seems to STILL be on the table.

Set an example.

You both seem to want other people to gie you permission to do what is right. The fact that the move is still being talked about means its still an option and that means YOU haven't stopped making it an option. Set and example. And don't take any insults from him.

You know WHY you have to put the oxygen mask on your face before your child's in an emergency? Because if you are on a plane and it looses altitude you may only have a few seconds to secure the oxgen on your face.

If you take those moments to put the oxygen on your child, "waste" those moments, you'll pass out before you can get the oxygen you need AND the mask may not be secure on your child. So the child's oxygen may or may not be in place and you are passed-out. So your child looks in horor as you loose the ability to breath, too small to help you - at risk becuase no one is helping them. Then you die. Instead of just securing yourself and then being in the position to secure your childs to keep you both safe.

Does he have anxiety? Being unable to tolerate the emotions involved with saying no to parents may stem from an anxiety disorder. His behaviors are so extreme, I wonder if there is an underlying anxiety issue. His GP doctor can prescribe medication that may help him overcome some of the physical symptoms, panicked feelings that he may be avoiding by being such a doormat.

Wine Enthusiast · March 2011

My H is very much like this. He was abused as a child and seeks others approval, wants the be the "liked" guy and his mom especially would take complete advantage of him if he let her. I did leave during our engagement and we went to couples/individual counseling and worked through this before I moved back in/ got married because I realized I could not live the rest of my life like that. I highly suggest counseling, its really made my H open his eyes. H is still a people pleaser and always wants to help people when they ask but he's learned to not let it come in between him and I. Mainly he learned the importance of responding "I need to discuss with wife and get back to you". The first year of marriage MIL tested him A LOT and he never gave in so she's backed off. Your p's/IL's will learn to change if he/you give them no other option and in order for your relationship to be healthy it needs to change.

jls344 · March 2011

This is a little different from what others are advising, but here's an idea. Say something like this:

"DH, I love the way you think of others and try to help everyone around you to live a better life. Your selfless nature was one reason I fell in love with you.

But now that we are married, you need to think about how your giving can affect our lives and our marriage. When you make decisions without consulting me, I feel slighted and unappreciated as an equal partner in the marriage. And when you give away our hard-earned assets, I worry about our own future livelihood.

I think before you make any large decisions in the future, you need to discuss them with me. We need to assess our finances and our situation before we can jointly decide how to help our family members. For example, I think we need to carefully consider the pros and cons about moving in with my parents..."

MotherMary, if you tell your husband he needs to consider himself first, he'll be able to argue that it is selfish. If you tell him his parents/your parents are taking advantage of him, he can argue that they are parents and they would never do that. If you tell him he has low self-worth, he'll likely deny it and pit you against his family/your family. You cannot change your husband's personality (or your parents' and IL's either). You can only change how you approach the issues.

That's my $0.02. Others may disagree with me.

Put the Mask on Yourself FIRST!!!

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