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Any advice would be soo helpful!
Here is the deal- I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years and we dated for 3 1/2 years before that-his family has always been different- to say the least- I will give some examples. When we first started dating they would always pull him to the side and speak with him in private about things- which I thought was wierd but whatever. Each Easter they have this extravagant egg hunt where they hide money and their children ages 35, 29 and my husband 25 hunt for eggs along with his nephew who is 10 years old. My brother in law and I are only allowed to hide eggs. I always thought this would change once we got married- not the case at all I should have known better. Now his family is going through a health issue with his father and his family are all going to have a meeting this Easter to discuss with his dad. But, my brother in law and I are not allowed to be in the meeting. My husband phrased it like it came straight from his mothers mouth. "I hope you understand this and don't take this the wrong way but my sisters, mom and I are all going to have a meeting with my dad and you can just hang out with my brother in law while we do this". Well, I have officially had it and I told my husband this hurts my feelings a lot and not only am I not allowed to be a part of the little stuff i.e. the egg hunt I cannot be a part of things that may affect our lives together i.e. the big things. I explained my feelings to him and while I know he heard me out he feels that his father may be so upset about what they are going to talk to him about. He feels that if this happens again he will not allow it. And I told him that I would never do this ever again where I am not included but really want to see a change now not down the road. My husband is emotionally upset about this issue with his dad and so I want to be there for him and I did tell him he is in my life 100% but this makes me feel like I am only in his life 90%. Either I opt out of the holiday completely and am miserable or I go because I love my husband and want to be there to support him but am basically miserable because of the situation. I would feel much different if they offered to have me sit in and I opted out- but that was not the case at all. Any advise on this would be appreciated. Also, if you are/were ever in a situation like this please let me know I would love to have someone to commiserate with.
Re: Any advice would be soo helpful!
So basically you're not considered a part of your H's family and he's okay with that. There's a saying that other nesties have used, "you teach people how to treat you." You and especially your H are teaching his family that excluding you from his family is okay. If it's not (and it shouldn't be), you stand together and your H says, "if macycruz isn't allowed I won't be there either." And if his parents say no, you both leave. Every time.
Oh and grown adult hunting for eggs at Easter is weird. Really weird.
Going off these examples...
the easter egg thing is weird in general. Adults hunting for eggs? But... whatever. It seems to be a tradition for their family. And really, one that I'm not really seeing why you're getting all that upset about. This isn't a hill I'd die on. Not even close.
His father... You HAVE to back off of this. You married your DH, not his dad. His DAD is going through a health crisis and it is absolutely 100% his choice of who to include in any discussion about this. This is NONE of your business. In any way it may affect you - your DH needs to tell his family "I'll need to talk to mary about this before I can commit to ___".
This is so far from a valid example of how they don't "include" you. This is a very very personal matter of his and you marrying his son does not give you the right to now be privvy to his personal medical issues.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have to add- think about any medical issue you've had. Or what about if you get PG. Do you think they should have the right to go to all your appointments, to have a say in the decisions you make in regards to your pregnancy? If you're answer is "no", well... it's the same for them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your husbands actions have clearly demonstrated his parents feelings come ahead of yours. You have all the information you need to decide what to do next.
I totally agree with ECB.
The egg hunt thing is just weird. Unless I was drunk I can't imagine doing an egg hunt as an adult.
Beyond that, it's hard to tell if you did not give the best examples of how they exclude you or if his family is just a little odd.
Regardless, this is not the time to take a stand. They need to deal with his father's health issue and you need to back off and let them. With that said, your H needs to realize that he should not commit to anything that will affect your life- time spent caring for his dad, money etc.- without discussing it with you first.
They hold these interventions where it is "family only" meaning not my brother in law and I- they had one about caring for his dad earlier when he went through cancer then they had one when his sister when she had an eating disorder. They always do it on holidays which is just terrible to me- I would even feel different if he drove down there without me just to discuss this issue. My husband told me exactly what the medical issue is and his mother is very aware that he told me.
My dilemma is whether or not I should go to easter at all.
It doesn't matter if he tells you and they know he tells you - his dad still has the right to decide who to talk to about his medical issues. You've GOT to accept this. It is NOT your right to demand to be included.
Now, the fact that this is always done on holidays... how long are your visits and how much time do these meetings last? If you go for 2 days and the meetings are 2 hours - I'd think you could occupy yourself for awhile. HOwever, if you go just for dinner and spend (lets say) 4 hours and 2 of these hours are them in a meeting - I totally get where you're ocming from and I wouldn't want to spend my time like that either.
On that front, yes, I think your DH needs to tell his family "if we want to have a family meeting, lets do that, but lets do it at another time. I don't feel it's fair to macy or BIL to make them come and then meet w/o them.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have been in a similar situation with some of DH's family. FIL is a guy's guy to say the least and has been separating DH since we started dating, for private talks in which if I interrupt them FIL screams "NO SKIRTS!" until I leave, no joke. I used to have a problem with it but DH shared what was said for the most part and I just learned to trust FIL is trying to do the best for DH and DH won't keep me out of the loop. Although his BIL is a different story, he has tried to keep me out of any family event he can since the first family reunion, saying I am "not family." I always told him that I was family to everyone else so he would have to deal with it and barged my way past him. My boldness in the past has actually helped DH's family accept me as one of their own because it showed that they are my family too.
I think that one of the main issues is that this is when you decide to tell him. It's after years and years of having it build up vs handling it when it happens, because private talking and not playing Easter games are little issues. I think the Easter thing is weird but as soon as you felt left out you should have expressed so. Maybe even expressed how rude it is not to include BIL. But this is not the time to bring it up. This is a big issue. FIL is sick, it sounds like a sensitive time. He should be able to choose who knows about his health, especially if it is bad news. If he doesn't want you or BIL knowing you need to respect that until he gets better. After things return to normal you both will be able to talk about this issue with cool, calm, collected heads instead this emotionally driven moment.
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So, would you personally opt out and attend easter at home or drive 3 hours back and fourth and sit out of the meeting and the damn egg hunt lol. I think like you said the easter thing is a little thing and stupid- but your right it affects my feelings and I understand about the illness of fil and all of that.
But, in the future I just feel like my husband and I need to be one unit- and thats it. They need to accept that I am in this for the long haul- and I care and that I want to be there. I am not trying to be some beotch you know?
I really don't see how you don't get this. Do you feel his parents have a right to YOUR personal health issues? Do you contact them and discuss this w/ them? Or will you? Will you include them in the future?
Please, answer this.
And again, how long do you visit and how much of the time is actually taken up w/ these family meetings?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well, they can 'insist" all they want- you CAN leave if you want.
O.k., so you would include them. I kind of question the FULL truth of that, but... you say you would.
Regardless, this still does not give you the right to their personal issues. THey obviously don't feel the same as you do. Marrying your DH does absolutely nothing to their right to privacy. Your DH making the decision to propose and marry you is a decision about his life, not theirs. It has absolutely no impact on their private issues. It just doesn't.
If you insist on pushing this issue, I think you're going to end up alienating yourself even more. They may respond by no longer including your DH.
I've had to deal w/ some issues over the past few years, the biggest being getting PG and giving birth. I see many women dealing w/ their MIL's "demanding" that they be allowed into the delivery room. I find it appaling that anyone would think they have any "right" to force themselves on an expectant mom like this over something that is a very, very, very personal event AND decision. It was 100% MY decision who would be in the room and if anyone had dared to claim they have some right to be there against my wishes - I would have been furious.
WHile you're not asking to be in on the actual appointments, you're pushing up real close to that line to think that they lose their right to privacy because their son got married.
If you don't want to spend your holiday weekends like this, fine, don't go. But the thing is- that isn't waht this is about. You're throwing that into the mix, but the fact is you think you should be included in these meetings.
You'd REALLY be o.k. w/ your DH taking that long trip to see them at some other time, on some other weekend, and basically affect your time together? Really- think about what you're saying. You don't want them to do it at a time that really is actually convienent for you all - you'd rather them pick another time and require your DH to make a 6 hour round trip for a 2 - 4 hour meeting?
As your real issue is w/ not being included, I don't think you'd be as o.k. w/ this as you claim you would.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
At least it would not be the awkwardness of hanging out with my bil. My husband and I get one day off each month and thats it- so his days off are not when mine are I would prob be at work while he went.
You and your DH should never be explained to family as one unit. Ever heard of the saying "I am not losing a son but gaining a daughter." When I hear that I think that they aren't combining the two together but getting one more person on their team they call family. You may be very open with them but they don't have to be open with you. Despite if what you feel, it is not your place to bring it up with such heated issues. I can understand why the sister never wanted you in the talk about her ED, those are painful and can be very shameful to the person going through it. I think that you should let this go and when they are ready to let you in, they will. Until then you have to wait and not push it. Forcing it during already trying times will not help.
Also, who says you and BIL can't go shopping? Why not offer to buy BIL lunch or dinner? After the meal you can go to the movies or shopping together. You can separate for some fun alone time in the mall until they are done talking if you want. There is nothing wrong with that.
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As far as hanging out w/ BIL, as you all know they want to have a meeting over Easter, your DH can just tell them now "Oh, as we'll be meeting for a couple hours, macy is probably going to go and do some shopping.". They say anything about "oh- but she has to hang out w/ BIL", then he just needs to say "I'm sure BIL is capable of entertaining himself. Macy doesn't have much free time these days and is going to use that time to take care of a few things she needs to take care of.".
Period. STATE it, and then DO it.
Or heck, don't even do it ahead of time. That weekend, you just get up and say "O.k., well I have a lot to do so I'm going to go run some errands". They mention BIL - you (or your DH in order to back you up) just say "Oh, I'm sure BIL is capable of taking care of himself. (if this is your DH) Macy, I'll call you when we're done".
Then you just GO. Don't even give them the chance to argue.
Just as your marrying DH doesn't give you the right to their private issues, it also doesn't give THEM the right to dictate how you spend that time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you're going to leave the house, I'd say something like, "I'm going out for a bit to give you privacy for the discussion." And, offer to bring BIL along.
I think saying you have to run some errands because of your precious free time sounds flip. If you want them to know you care, I wouldn't just say, "Oh well, good luck with the serious decisions...see you later!"
Whether or not you would choose to include your inlaws in your medical decisions is irrelevent. This is your FIL's choice 100%, and you have to respect his decision in this matter.
I have a brother who has been battling addiction problems for years, our family has had several interventions on the issue and DH never saw it as his place to be involved with any of them. He!!, my mom, who is not brother's bio mom, didn't even participate in some of them. Any sort of intervention process is something that should involve the people the person with the problem is closest to and most comfortable with, period.
Although I am curious, is DH's sister with the ED BIL's wife? Because if the family chose to have an intervention about that and purposely excluded her husband he would absolutely have a right to be p!ssed off!
But in your case, you really don't have an argument at all. I can see feeling frustrated that you are still being left out of family traditions, and that's something that can be handled on a case-by-case basis. However choosing FIL's health issue to be your hill to die on just makes you look like a b!tch.
I also think the Easter Egg Hunt is a little strange - you have to let your kids grow up sometime!!! :-/
Sometimes there are situations in which people do not feel the need to include ILs in their "family meetings," especially if it's not going to affect them directly. However, I do agree that having it on a holiday is a bit selfish and wrong. Holidays like this are a time for the whole family and not to exclude certain individuals from a family meeting. What they should do is have it the day before Easter, or maybe schedule a family meeting for one evening or a weekend afternoon when the ILs can be doing something else like hanging out at home or with friends.
For example, my DH comes from a family of 8 kids; his brothers and sisters fight amongst each other quite a bit, sometimes going months without talking to one another. If they organize a family meeting to try and get things cleared up and to work on maintaining the peace with each other, it's going to be siblings only because the ILs and the kids have nothing to do with their inability to get along and therefore have no reasons to be included. And they have their family meetings on a Saturday evening or a Sunday afternoon but NOT on a holiday or a kid's birthday party.
Your FIL is sick and wants to have a meeting with his wife and kids; HE may feel that this is something that does not involve his DIL/SIL. I just hope that if it comes to you and your DH having to change your schedules around to help out or do any special tasks or favors for his parents, that DH will at least discuss it with you first.
I think you're all wrong as can be.
This family has a habit of treating the people who marry in like they're outsiders who will never be family, even for fun times and celebrations, like for the egg hunt, and that sucks. What sucks more is that the "kids" of the family act as though this is okay, that the people they married aren't family and really are outsiders. Yeah, sure, maybe people don't want their health issues shared with the world, but when a family makes a habit of actively excluding spouses like they clearly are here, it's wrong and offensive.
Macy, these people are assh*les, and unfortunately, your husband is one of them. Since he doesn't give a damn how you feel at Easter or any other time that concerns his family, I don't see why you should be sensitive to his feelings during his dad's illness. Throw a fit. Let him know what crappy people his family members are, and what a colossal jerk he is for making it clear that he's primarily their family and not really yours. It's all true, anyway.
I think his family sees you and BIL as "outsiders" for sure. I have a MIL exactly like this and spent many occasions trying to convince H I'm not the "same" kind of family cause I'm not blood, that only her, FIL, H, BIL and nephew are the only "true" family. H has had to put his foot down over and over and we have missed holidays to make our point clear that H and I are a family and a team. I think it is wrong and cruel they exclude you and BIL from their family traditions and even more so your H and SIL go along with this behavior.
That being said, I think it is okay if FIL wants to discuss health issues in privacy. I agree with other pp that make the example they arent entitled to know all your health problems, we dont even share ours with our P's/IL's at all. HOWEVER... this should NOT be done on a holiday. Holidays are for coming together as a family and that they would suggest a private meeting when you are all there for Easter is beyond obnoxious. This should be done on a separate occasion where they just invite your H/ his siblings over. Easter isnt for over a month, why are they waiting so long if this meeting is so important? I would insist the meeting be done another time or H and I together wouldnt be attending Easter with them. If your H will not compromise with that... well then I think you know where you stand and I'd personally be reconsidering this marriage.
I'm sorry but I have to agree with ECB on this one. The Easter egg hunt is not a hill to die on. Some families have traditions that are hard to break. DH's family has pancake breakfasts once a month during the summer. Their problem is they think everyone HAS to attend or you are not considered part of the family, completely ignoring the fact that DH and I live 6 hours away (according to them it's "the least we can do").
As far as FIL's health issues, my family is like this too, but no one takes it personally. My grandfather passed away recently and some tough decisions are having to be made about my grandmother who has alzheimer's. My mom and her 2 brothers had a ton of meetings the week after my grandfather passed (everyone was leaving to go back home at the end of the week) just the three of them, without the spouses. It was not a disrespect thing, but as the children, they needed to make them. Their spouses understood that anything that affected the group would be discussed with them also, but that as the spouses they didn't really have a say in what happened with grandma.
As long as whatever decision they make doesn't affect you and YH's personal situation (like his parents are moving in with you for health reasons), there is no reason for you to be in that meeting. You should trust that YH will discuss anything with you that involves you. Otherwise, like PP said, it's up to your FIL who he wants to discuss his medical issues with.
As far as when the meetings are held, you say you go there often. What about the rest of the family? How often do all the kids get to be there at the same time? If the only time they can all get their schedules together is around holidays, well that's the only time they can do it. It's not ideal, but at least they're discussing things that need to be discussed. Some families don't discuss things as much as they should.
I agree with ECB also. My MIL has terminal cancer, I have never been a part of their discussions. My H fills me in and I feel my role is to be there and be supportive of everyone as best as I can. H and I went to a couple of MD appts with her and FIL. They all went back and I stayed in the waiting room.
Now, the easter egg things is beyond strange, wth are grown adults continuing to participate?
I'm shocked that so many people think spouses are not guaranteed the right to be included in family meetings. Maybe DH and I are the exceptions, but we would never think to exclude each other from family things, even medical ones. DH is the one who took my mother to doctors appointments and chemo treatments. I was at family meetings when his grandfather's health and future care were discussed. He is my family. His family is even inviting my mom to a family vacation this summer!
If your H and his sister don't fight for you and BIL to be included, i can't see that they value their marriages very much. My H agrees also.
I agree. My in-laws are definitely family, but there are still some things that may be private. Along with my MILs illness came financial stress, H and his siblings discussed these concerns, I was not a part of these discussions nor did I want to be. It has nothing to do with vacations or being included in events, it's just some things are still personal, in fact, I would feel awkward being a part of these discussions. My H has also taken my mother to doctor appts in the past, it's not the same thing that we're talking about here.
I also agree w/ ECB. Seems like you are taking this way too personal. The easter egg hunt they sound like they do it for the nephew. He's 10 they have probably been doing this for what at least 8 years now? It's just a continued tradition at this point to humor their nephew and probably themselves. Silly fun. And they probably don't want to force you into as they know it's silly.
The fil health issues are his issues, not yours. I don't think that is odd at all to just include the children and not their spouses in discussions. They probably do this at holidays b/c that is when everyone is together in one room, instead of taking up even more time. Lay off and just be there for your hubby.
If you want to do something maybe after the discussion your fil has with his children write a letter or call him and just offer your support. You don't know what is going on at this point or how serious it is. Let him tell his children first.