Sex & Romance
arj14
member
08/13: Started TTC - 07/14: PCOS dx
BFP 09/18/15 - Baby S 05/27/16
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
failure to orgasm
I've never been able to orgasm, either by myself or with a partner, and it's pretty frustrating. My husband and I have tried clitoral stimulation using hands and oral, but so far, nothing. I mean, it still feels good, and I feel like I'm on my way, but then my body becomes oversensitive within a minute or two and the stimulation becomes almost painful.
Does anyone have any recommendations? Is this something I should think about approaching my doctor about? I admit, I'm not very sexually experienced, and while my husband has more experience than me, it seems to have been easier for his past partners to orgasm.
08/13: Started TTC - 07/14: PCOS dx
BFP 09/18/15 - Baby S 05/27/16
Re: failure to orgasm
Personally, I would hold off on the vibrator. I find the stimulation to be too intense for orgasms.
It is obvious that you are getting excited by what you are doing but that your pleasure plateaus at a certain point. You are going to have to be willing to push past that point. And I think you need to go it alone.
Is there an evening coming up when your husband will be out for a few hours? If so, seize the moment! Have a glass of wine - just enough to relax you but not make you sleepy. Lay back and think of sexy things. Use whatever kind of erotica (written or visual) will keep you focused on the task at hand. Then, when your excitement seems to be waning, keep going by thinking more sexy thoughts. Perhaps take a moment, refocus and continue.
Trust me, you can orgasm. And I promise, once you have one, once you know the path to an orgasm, you will be able have them frequently. It is just a matter of experiencing one once, knowing that you can, to establish your confidence for the future pleasure.
BTW, I was a year into my first sexual relationship before I had my first orgasm. It is not unusual.
Sorry, are you a doctor?? Because there is no way that you can know whether or not this will be true for this person. There are different factors involved in a person's ability/inability to orgasm. I've been sexually active for 16 years, and only ever had one naturally occurring orgasm EVER (and not with my DH of almost 8 years). I can orgasm on my own, rarely, or with a vibrator (and sometimes that doesn't work). Manual masturbation takes me a VERY long time to climax and occasionally the same is with a vibrator.
Pretty irresponsible to imply that someone will be able to orgasm frequently in the future once you just have one.
I feel like I could have written this post myself. I, too, have been unable to orgasm by myself or my husband. I find stimulation to be painful within minutes and we stop. I had my first orgasm at the age of 34 and it was with a vibrator. Now my husband despises that we have to use the vibrator at all.
It really bothers my husband that we aren't able to get me "there" without the vibrator and like you, I have less experience than my husband. My husband also says that it seems his previous partners were able to achieve orgasms much easier. I am really frustrated about this.
I am not a doctor, but I do stand by my advice.
Right now, the OP has never experienced an orgasm. I imagine that the situation is pretty emotionally fraught for both the OP and her husband. He wants to give her pleasure, and she wants to experience it. He is trying everything that worked with previous partners, and she is comparing herself to them. This builds a lot of pressure that can really interfere with reaching orgasm.
I do believe that once OP experiences an orgasm, she will receive multiple benefits from the experience. She will know that she is capable of reaching orgasm and that will lift a lot of her concerns and doubts. This will provide her a boost to her sexual confidence. She will know her own personal roadmap to orgasm and will be able to guide her partner. It is hard to give someone directions to a place you have never been. She will know when to push through a plateau or to have him change tempo or pressure. And this knowledge and confidence will likely increase her orgasmic ability over her lifetime.
So, OP, just to be clear, it is my completely unprofessional, unmedical opinion that you can figure this out and that you will eventually be orgasmic. You may want to go to your OBGYN for a full workup to make sure that hormone levels aren't interfering with your sexual response. Also certain drugs have a dampening effect on one's sexual gratification. You may want to look to see if that is what is inhibiting your orgasms. And honestly, your husband's other lovers could have been faking it, so don't judge your body's responses to theirs.
Just wondering why you stand by your advice to the OP, when myself and another poster have been in this position - and despite being able to achieve orgasm, are NOT able to do so frequently. It sounds like you are applying your own experience to this situation, when, in fact, it sounds like you've never BEEN in this situation.
Again, you're off the mark to suggest that all the OP needs to do is orgasm once, in order to solve the problem.
Ok...then I am off the mark.
Feel better now?
08/13: Started TTC - 07/14: PCOS dx
BFP 09/18/15 - Baby S 05/27/16
First of all, I am sorry to hear that you (and others) have this issue. I can imagine it is horribly frustrating and disappointing. I am not a doctor, sex therapist, or anything of the like. I would actually recommend that maybe you think about going to a sex therapist before a doctor. Because, most likely, this is a mental issue rather than a physical one.
IMO, reaching orgasm is about being in the right mindset. Yes, even beyond the amount of physical attractiveness or attention. If I'm not really geared into sex, or my husband hasn't taken the time to prepare me properly, I cannot achieve orgasm. Sometimes I have the sensitivity you spoke of.
As women, we have tons of thoughts bombarding us at any given moment. These have the power to unfocus us and distract from love making. Combine this with the memory of past failures in this department, a lack of confidence, etc. and it makes it very impossible to reach that blissful state.
Since even self-exploration yields the same results, I feel that maybe you should go see a professional. This coming from someone who avoids doctors at all costs!! I know it will be awkward at first, but they really do want to help you. Good luck!