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Another sister vent
Hi again - I sometimes post about problems with my sister and get-togethers, and I have another one coming up and need to vent or get advice/suggestions on how things would work better.
You might remember I posted that Christmas was a dramafest - first with deciding who would stay at mom's (we both live out of town), and then with my sister?s snarky comments and "forgetting" to tell me that she and my brother went in on an expensive present for my mom - awkward for everyone at the party- even my brother spoke up on that one (he didn't pitch in, she only said he did to exclude me)... She and brother are half siblings from my mom?s first marriage and she?s had a history of trying to exclude me since she came to live with me and mom when she was in high school ? it's a long story.
Now, I am graduating in a couple of months and of course my mom will be coming - Sis originally wanted to buy her own ticket to join my mom on the flight/trip, but she moved out of state last month - so now she wants mom to go see her first, and then the two of them can come to my graduation together, and mom can fly home from here... Mom seems cool with that because she misses the grandkids, except that would mean my mom would have to take off for "at least a week and a half" and she has to work and is tending to stepdad who just had back surgery, so she can't be away from home for long.
Mom just has a problem saying ?NO? to my sis when my sis gets an idea of how she wants to do things. It would be easier for mom (and me) if she made it two separate trips ? we would pay for her to come here for graduation weekend, and she can go see sis separately whenever she wants? but sis is just so against my mom coming here without her. Sis and I are very different and sometimes the things I do upset her (milestones for me like getting my first car in high school, my wedding, buying a house, and traveling just seem to make her compare her life to mine and then be mean or try to bring me down if she can?t do something too).
This was supposed to be a short weekend trip for my mom and dh?s parents to come visit and celebrate my graduation ? dh isn?t thrilled about sis coming either because he finds her ?too critical? and ?wants it to be a fun time for us?, and I want to spend this time with people who are fun and supportive, not out to rain on my parade - what would you do in this situation?
Re: Another sister vent
Your mom is a big part of this problem.
Please remember the adage: "No one can get your goat if you don't got a goat to get got." Let your sister be the horrible person she is - trust me, people see through her.
When she does nasty, hurtful things, just look her in the eye and say "I have no idea why you would do that" and walk away. The Karma Bus is just waiting around the corner.
Have you mentioned to your mom that you were hoping to get some alone time with her?
If you have, and she is still trying to figure out how to fit your sister in, then, like pp said, your mom is part of the problem here.
No, I haven't. I don't know how to do that without coming across as a mean person for not wanting my sister to be there??
She would probably still want to fit in my sister because she likes to keep the family together and tries to make everyone happy and avoid conflict.
For all I know this could turn out to be a great family get together, but my experience with my sister tells me otherwise - although it would be interesting to see how she interacts with my MIL who is the sweetest/smartest MIL I could hope for (my dh's side of the family is so simple/normal
. I also would like my close friends to meet her and see if sis would come around and play nice in front of strangers or if she would still act out and be snarky... At least I know on "my turf" there will be plenty of good friends to look out for me and keep my spirits up!
Don't expect miracles. Don't expect your MIL or friends to deter your sister. To expect this is only setting yourself up to be even MORE upset.
If you want to see your mom and if you want drama-free, then dont' invite your sister to stuff like this and just TELL your mom "I'd rather this be something that just you and I do". If she gets upset, if she says anything about excluding sister, I'd honestly say "Mom, you know how she is. It's only going to cause drama and I'd like to have one event not be like that.".
Your sister has no problem telling your mom what she wants. Why should you? You might be surprised - speaking up might actually make your mom say "Yeah, I see what you mean".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you are a large part of your own problem. Didn't you stop by and see your sister before the holidays? Don't you talk to her regularly? You're ACTING like everything is fine between the two of you, and then expect your mom to "clue in" to her mean-spiritedness.
The world will not come to an end if you confront your sister and say "you know, you were really nasty to me at Christmas, and I would rather you not attend your graduation." Or, if she invites you "to see the kids," telling her "you know, I really love the kids, but you're pretty b*tchy to me whenever I visit, so I'm going to pass."
Ditto with your mom. Your mom may WANT you to be one big happy family, but you aren't. Stop pretending. Tell your mom "you know what mom? I'd rather sis not attend my graduation. She was really nasty to me at Christmas, and I don't want her to spoil my day with her snarky comments and obvious jealousy. I can't make you stop traveling with her if that's what you want, but I want you to know my preference." Then stop discussing your relationship with your mom. It's not her business or her job to "fix" your relationship, it's only her concern re: her knowing that you would prefer not to see her at your graduation.
If your mom keeps wringing her hands about "oh, what do do?" about your graduation (if you don't tell her you don't want sis), tell her "look, I told you that I will pay for your flight. I'd love to spend the time with you, but I'm not going to get involved in how you are going to handle traveling with sis, or how much time off you need. I agreed to pay for a weekend trip, which will only have you out on Friday (or Monday). Beyond that, you'll have to arrange everything yourself."
I saw this very recently w/ my step-mother and her friends. "V" was being really nasty to "F" - a friend of 40 years. It was beginning to really affect the group dynamic. My SM gently called V out on her behavior, and the next time they all got together - V was nicer to F. All is not perfect, V still has her issues w/ F, but once basically told "we all see how you're acting and we think it's pretty crappy", she pulled back on the nastiness.
There are no guarentees, obviously, but it may not hurt to try. To a certain degree this is also about you teach people how to treat you. Your sister is nasty to you but you quietly take it and continue to act like everything is fine - so she thinks you either don't care, or... what have you. If you actually push back, it may be a shock to her!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Bingo!
Why are you masterminding HER trip at all?
I appreciate that there is a huge back story including a deliberate attempt for your sister to screw you out of the glory you've earned, but you are not going to solve it. If you have one person (your sister) actively trying to spoil your mother's visit, and another person (your mother) letting her - then there isn't anything you can quietly and peacefully do to re-arrange them.
And I'll say it - Your mother is wrong to dump this in your lap.
If a grown-ass woman can't tell her grown-ass daughter that she'd rather visit another time .... because she has to balance a graduation weekend trip with a work schedule and recovering husband ... then YOU can't solve this for her.
Last month, I told you to book mom's plane ticket and let her sort out any changes. I don't know why you didn't do that. All this dithering and hand wringing is very annoying. If your mom can't manage to tell you what she can and can't do for her visit, then just write her a check for the flight, mail it and tell her to book her own plans. Seriously, you can't solve this for her. And its very wrong of her to make you try. Its YOUR graduation, you'll earn the degree whether she's there or not.