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In-law holiday question
First a short history ... we live in a tiny house (and I do mean tiny), "in the middle" -- about 4 hrs from my MIL/FIL & 6 hrs from BIL/wife/3 kids. Their kids (we have none) are undisciplined & we have never been around them without having at least one of us being bitten, punched or called a "B" or "dumb F*@$er" or without having something broken (either at our house, theirs or at a hotel). The kids are all under the age of 8. Husband got a call from BIL's wife, asking if we would be willing to host an upcoming holiday in order to minimize travel for everyone and then asked, "If you're planning on going to your in-laws, could we just use your house for the weekend to meet your mom & dad so neither of us have to travel as far?" Without discussion, my husband told her he thought that either would be fine (we hadn't decided where to go for the holiday yet). Two questions: Am I wrong for thinking the request is completely rude? And ... How do I handle this now?
Any advice will be so very appreciated. Thanks so much!
Re: In-law holiday question
Yes, it's rude. ANd your DH is HUGELY in the wrong to in any way agree to this w/o talking to you first.
And as such, this is on him. He needs to call his BIL and tell him "I spoke out of turn. ameeloo and I talked about this and I realized it just won't work. I'm sorry I agreed too quickly.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
O.k., fine, he doesn't think the request is rude. Whatever. In the end, that's really immaterial.
HOWEVER, YOU are his "family" now and this is YOUR home. YOU have a say in people staying there. Their being family does not give them a right to stay in your home.
And again, this is NOT a decision for him to make on his own.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, her request, especially to use your home if you're not there is insanely rude and my H would be on the couch for even thinking to agree to such madness.
I would be horribly uncomfortable with my In-Laws in my home while I'm not here. As ECB said, even if your H doesn't agree with you he should respect that it is your home too and he doesn't get to make these decisions alone.
If he really wants to host the holiday at your home, I would tell him that it's on him 100%- the cooking, cleaning, all of it. If one of the kids breaks something it comes out of his fun money. Then stick to it. Maybe he'll think twice in the future about agreeing to something like that without discussing it with you first.
Wow. Reading this I thought you were going to ask "How do DH and I let them down lightly?" The fact that he accepted without asking you floored me.
ECB is right it is very rude and he should know that it is not a decision that he should make on his own.
Is the reason he thinks it is ok is because it is his family? DH would break his neck trying to help his family, but he knows that he cannot choose what happens alone when it involves me, our family, or our home. He needs to learn that helping family doesn't mean you destroy your own.
I guess if words don't work you could always start to pack up all the valuables, check with him that your insurance is covered for any kind of disaster these little tykes could make, and tell him you are wearing one of those suits they use to train police dogs for the holiday. Then maybe he will get the clue of why he should have discuss it with you first.
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I vote for this. You can survive a holiday without him. Just tell him you didn't think it would be a problem and didn't see the need to consult with him first.
I do not agree with those who said you should go to your parents and let him stay home and handle it. You already know he will not watch out for the house as you would...( he is the one who saw no problem with their request to begin with!)
If I were you, I'd have a SERIOUS talk about how the 2 of you need to discuss things before answering- and that goes for you answering to your family about things that concern both of you.
There is NO WAY I'd go away and leave my home when I know those coming to it will have no respect for it or my belongings.
Without question, yes, the initial request is rude, but like ECB already said, that's not the biggest problem. Some families are very casual with things like this. The bigger problems are the fact that your husband already said yes without discussing it with your first and he doesn't seem to share the same concerns that you have.
Quite simply, I would tell my husband that this is my house as much as it is his, and that he doesn't make decisions without consulting me on how this house is used or the people we are hosting.
And I would wrap that up with telling him that I don't want these people in our house when we aren't there.