December 2007 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
if you've lost a baby..come in..
I've been trying to think about the right words for this post all day..so here I go..
During my conference I had to do some bereavement training. During this I thought a lot about you ladies and what you have been through. I learned a lot of dos and don'ts and realized that not knowing what to say in a time of loss is just not good enough..
SO...I have some resources for you if you want them. I wanted to acknowledge your children and offer my ears and heart to you if you want to talk about it. I realize that miscarriage is somewhat common and therefore often looked over, but it doesn't make that pain of the loss or the reality of the child any less.
message me here or privately on FB if you want to.
Re: if you've lost a baby..come in..
Thanks Tiff. It is nice to hear that they do trainings like that. But you're right, not having the right thing to say or even worse, saying the wrong thing is not good (I actually got told that I got pg too quick after Emmy and that is why what happened happened). I realize that it is uncomfortable for people but we are the ones that have dealt with the loss.
My circumstances are a bit different but unforunately I have suffered a 'traditional' miscarriage as well. With Charlotte, I often feel people just view her as the loss of baby same as if I had miscarried like I did in Jan. It is completely different. While the loss in Jan was heartbreaking and I do think of it as a baby, Charlotte was completely different. I felt her, I named her, she was a child to me already. I had her room painted and the crib together. I know it is hard for other people to see her as a child, but she was mine already. And the loss was so much deeper and greater than my miscarriage in Jan. I think of her every day wondering what our life would be like now with her and Emmy together. And while I am pg again and am thrilled that I was able to get pg so quickly, the reality of what was lost will always be there.
Baby #2 - D&E - 10/1/10 @ 19w2d - thanatophoric dysplasia confirmed.
Charlotte Lillian will be forever in our hearts.
Baby #3 - Little Bean - natural miscarriage - 1/17/11 @ 5w5d
Mel, some of the things that we were taught to suggest was to use the arts to express your feelings. i.e. Painting, writing, journaling, singing, ect...whatever it is that you can do best...it gives your feelings 'life'. It was also suggested that the parents of the baby make a memory box or a scrapbook as well as plant day lilies (or any flower or tree) to remember the baby by and have a spot to sit near when you need to.
There is also a site http://godslittleones.homestead.com/ where you can buy a baby doll the size of your baby at the time of loss. I'm not sure how you feel about that, but I can see how it could be helpful to some.
Those are good suggestions. Just keep in mind that everyone is different and will have different reactions to the loss. Some might want to remember, others not so much. At the beginning, I just wanted to move on and not have anything that would remind me of Charolette. I felt, and some days still do, feel a lot of guilt regarding her condition. I will never know what caused that dysplasia and while the docs told me that is was a freak thing and it was nothing that I did, I still go over everything I did in that pregnancy and wonder.
When they did the D&E, the doctor asked me if I wanted her to take footprints of Charlotte. At the time I said no, but I regret it and wish I had them. Not that I would be able to look at them yet, I can't even look at the ultrasound pictures that we have from the day we found out, but one day it would have been a comfort I think.
But I have decided that *hopefully* once this baby is born, I will get a mothers ring and have a stone for Charolette put in there. Since as long as this baby is healthy and makes it, we won't be having any more kids. I honestly don't think I could go through being pregnant again, physicially, emotionally or psychologically.
My best advice in dealing with mothers who have suffered a loss, esp a later loss, is just to let them know are there to talk with them if they need it and offer the resoruces that you have. Having someone to talk to that was non-judgemental would be helpful. While I had alot of people that were trying to help and talk to me about it, they all had their own questions and opinions about what happened/how it was handled/how I should react/what I should do, etc. I think it would help that you aren't a family member or friend, because while they think they are helping, they often say the wrong thing because they are comfortable with you. Where as you can tell them that you are there to listen and they might feel better about discussing the details and their true feelings because they don't really 'know you.' As weird as it sounds, it is easier for me to talk about it to people who weren't in the situation with me. And to let them know that everything they are feeling is normal and ok to feel. I think alot of women are pressured to just move on from a loss and it really does take time to process what happened.
Baby #2 - D&E - 10/1/10 @ 19w2d - thanatophoric dysplasia confirmed.
Charlotte Lillian will be forever in our hearts.
Baby #3 - Little Bean - natural miscarriage - 1/17/11 @ 5w5d
Thanks for your suggestions.
in our class there was a part more for the nurses and they were instructed not to ask the mom or dad if they wanted foot prints or hair or anything, but to just take the foot prints, cut a lock of hair and do a few other things that go in a memory box. Then, before the family left they were to tell the family that there was a box that they could have whenever they were ready to have it. They keep the boxes in a room near the nurses station or some where like that.. they said sometimes it's years before the mother calls and ask for the box.
I like what you said about how they may be more inclined to open up to me b/c they don't really know me. I can't judge them. They don't have to see me again, so I'm sure they feel more safe to let the truth out once they are comfortable...
I come across this often and I never knew how to handle it. I feel much better about it now. I hope that i can be a comfort to most of the woman I speak with.