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In-laws and money
This is the gist of the situation:
DH got a new job near where my ILs live and we are moving out there in about 2 months (about 3 hours away).
ILs (MIL in particular) can be very judgmental and rude, and very weird about money.
DH and I don't want to tell them how much he is going to be making. But they know he's been interviewing and every. single. time. he has an interview the first thing they ask is "How much are they offering?" So we know that when they hear that he has accepted an offer, they'll ask. We can't come up with a polite way of saying "None of your freeking business." The way I was raised, asking someone what they made was considered quite rude so I've never had to deal with anyone who is this invasive and blunt.
Any suggestions? TIA.
(Edited to remove irrelevant venting)
Re: In-laws and money
Etsy shop
"why do you ask?"
and when they answer, they'll probably say 'we're just wondering' or whatev, and your H can say, 'not to worry, i'll be paid fairly, or i wouldn't have accepted'.
also, there really is nothing wrong with your H saying, 'it's really none of your business'.
I'm not sure how to tell them that the money is none of their business, although I agree that it's not.
To me, vacationing somewhere where you can stay with friends/family to save money makes sense. Not to mention, IT'S YOUR PARENTS. The fact that they complain that you spend your time/money to go on vacation to see your parents is just ridiculous. My parents live in GA, and we live in PA. We can't just pack up and go there for the weekend (unless we want to pay a lot for airfare). It has to be planned, and we go for longer because it makes sense since it's so much time/work to get there. Your ILs may not understand this since you live so close to them. You can drive to their house for a weekend or even for a day trip.
And to be honest, it's none of their business where/when you vacation. My MIL is a widow and honestly thinks that DH and I should vacation with her every year. But it's not that she plans a vacation and invites us along. She wants to tell us where/when to vacation and then invite herself to join us. She has even gone as far to tell us, "You know if I come, you'll save money because I'll pay for everything once we get there." DH and I have decided not only do we not want to vacation with her, but it's definitely not worth the trouble of having her come.
I'm glad for you that it sound like you and DH are on the same page with this. The key is going to be to just stand your ground. If you tell them how much they are offering, they are going to expect that you tell them how much he ends up making. Then they will assume that you will share any other financial information with them indefinately that they feel entitled to.
Be rude.
I don't think you have to be polite. I think the above statement is fine.
Etsy shop
So, maybe this is really an H problem and not an IL problem.
My sister has asked me multiple times how much I make and dropped hints about what other people make in similar fields, so that I might comment on it. I don't give into her tactics. Very simple.
If his own freaking PARENTS stop speaking to him, or treat him badly, because he won't divulge his salary to them ... well, then, there's just no pleasing people like that no matter what you do, even if you bend over backward and obey every single wish they have. So don't even bother trying.
As a few have offered up, there are ways to say "none of your business" w/o being rude about it. Some people just dont' "get" taht this is a private matter.
He needs to start out w/ a firm "Enough to make ends meet" or something to that effect. if they push for "Well, how much?", he then needs to stay "As I said, enough. I'm not going to discuss actual numbers.". If they STILL push w/ "why not?" or "but we're your parents, we deserve to know!" - stand firm and say "It's my business and mine alone. I'm not going to share" and if necessary, he needs to follow up with "If you don't stop asking, we're gonig to leave" and then get up and leave if they keep asking!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with the "I will be paid fair or I would not of have accepted.".... followed by a smile and a quick change of subject. I don't find anything rude about that wording.
and does your H know that it IS rude to ask how much money you make? Does he realize that his parents will be rude to him and you as long as he allows them to do so?
Also Why is it OK for his parents to be rude and not for you to be direct and blunt back? That would bother me.
When my DH got a promotion one of the first things out of MIL's mouth was how much are they paying you. DH said "Enough." She doesn't ask anymore stuff like that now.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
This.
Are your IL's financially stable? I would be afraid to divulge any info to them in the fear that they may look at you and your H as a bank in the chance they ever need money. Also, I would be afraid that they would run their mouths to others who may see you as a bank also.
My H and I have very good jobs and make a decent living but his family (I'm only talking brother, sister, friends) think we're loaded so they are constantly asking for money. It's exhausting and frustrating and they have no clue how much we make.
I understand that your H doesn't want to burn bridges with his parents or offend them but, honestly, they are offending HIM by asking personal questions that are none of their business. He has every right to tell them so
"I dont think it's appropriate to ask me how much i'll be making and I would appreciate you not asking me again".
how is that difficult?
okay...I don't think it's rude...again, some of you have kids...are you going to not care about their lives once they are grown...you would want to know too. Doesn't mean they'll want to share it with you, and that's fine, kids can have boundaries with their parents...but wanting to know your child's salary isn't a crime...and it doesn't fall in the same boat as asking a friend or a coworker.
I think your H should say, "I feel like that's the first thing you ask me and honestly, it's not the part I'm looking forward to sharing with you, I want to tell you about what I'll be doing and what my days will be like"
Or, "ya know Mom, when I was single it was one thing, but now that I'm married, that's our income we would be discussing and I think I want to keep the money thing between her and I"
If you say "NONE of your business" but still expect mama to be happy and joyful with you, you're asking too much
How rude! I am so glad none of our family asks these questions!
If they did, i would simply say, "they are offering within my specified range" and change the subject.
how uncomfortable!
Curly does have a point. They probably do have good intentions and may just be concerned that you are making enough money to live on. That's fine, and you can say "Yes, we are doing just fine with money," or "We are struggling a little." Whatever. I just don't think you need to share the specifics with them unless you want to.
'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.'
With that said, good intentions or not if you and DH don't want to share that information then tell his parents so is the way to go. "You know, we're happy and I like this job and that's all that matters." Is really all that needs to be said in the moment. Later, DH should follow up with his parents that it's not okay for them to ask about finances, and that they please respect that.
I had a great opportunity to move DH&I across the world for a ridiculous amount of money. my ILs asked about it and my DH told them-it grated my nerves. It's none of their business as far as I'm concerned. My parents didn't ask how much was being offered, that's how I was raised. Money and religion weren't discussed.