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Friend problem - need advice
You've probably heard me talk about this girl a lot here. She puts no effort into the friendship, etc, etc. Actually, I think I made a post about her several weeks ago when she (finally and out of nowhere) emailed me and I decided then to tell her that I was pregnant.
Anyway, I thought that news might warrant a phone call since we hadn't spoken in about 4 months. But nope. That never happened.
So now, she emailed me today saying "omg, we totally lost touch again!". I feel like I'm on the verge of giving her a piece of my mind - like "yes - we lost touch because I stopped calling you and you put in zero effort...besides your half-a$$ed emails every 6 weeks or so".
I'm really on the fence. I already started typing a response but don't know which direction I should go.
Should I be cordial and just respond like everything's fine....or should I tell her what I really think? If I tell her how I really feel, I'm sure she will be defensive and not see my point at all....but I just don't know if I can hold it in this time and write a nice little normal email back to her.
Helpppp.
Re: Friend problem - need advice
Hmmm..she's like the bad friend that won't go away!
I think if you do write back and let her have it you could be causing more drama than you need. Is she friends with any of your other friends (there might be friends that feel they need to take sides)? Will there be a lot of awkward social occasions where you run into her? If so, it might be best to just ignore her...or write something short like "yeah, I know! it's crazy!"
But if you really value her as a friend and want to try and patch things up - then I might tell her that you're feeling like she doesn't reciprocate your efforts and that it really bothered you that she didn't respond to your recent news. Tell her you don't want to let your friendship slip and ask her for her thoughts on how to avoid that... it puts it back on her and you've blatantly said you don't want to lose her as a friend, so she can't get too mad at that.
| cute shoes make me happy |
Hahah she totally is! I don't get it at all!
I agree with your point about causing more drama...which is why I'm so torn. In the past, I've taken the higher road and just been nice and responded normally for that reason.
I just feel like this cycle will happen again even if I attempt to fix things now. I think she just doesn't realize how wrapped up she gets in herself.
But....obviously the friendship means something to me - otherwise I guess I wouldn't care at all how I responded to her.
I think you're right....maybe I should say how I feel but make it more like I'm sad rather than angry and then leave the ball in her court about how to make things better going forward.
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Yeah, I think the key to preventing serious drama is to focus on the good things about her and your past friendship. Emphasize that you miss the days when you guys were closer - you miss hanging out, etc and that lately you have the impression that she's too busy to really stay in touch. Then leave it very open-ended for her to respond. Just ask her what she thinks could be done about it. Then she'll have to decide if she's going to put in more effort or if she just can't juggle everything on her plate.
| cute shoes make me happy |
That's a good one! I think I'll do that. That way at least I get something off my chest saying how I feel, but she can't be defensive and nasty.
Thanks Riss!
Btw, I sent you an email at your gmail address:)
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welcome!
Another little "trick" I've found is to say something like "I know I can tell you how I feel and you won't freak out - you're good like that!"
Which will kind of force her into NOT freaking out...
I had to do that with a [friend] of mine that I didn't ask to be a bridesmaid - I spoke to her directly and was like "Everyone was afraid you'd be pissed off, and so I wanted to be straight with you. I KNOW you're not into that kind of drama and you're totally cool like that, and I'm glad I can be honest with you without it becoming some crazy highschool pettiness"
She was like "OMG - you're totally right. I'm not into the dramz! Thanks for telling me - it's totally cool, no worries"
Meanwhile - she IS all the drama in our group of friends ;-)
| cute shoes make me happy |
Sorry...I should have clarified...she responded in an email saying "oh, I figured you'd be pregnant soon". I mean still....I think some of the girls on this board acted more excited than that. Just not what I would expect from someone who used to be a good friend.
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Omg. Lol, this is priceless! I actually just sent the email, but I'm sure I can tuck this secret away for the future! Hahaha:)
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i realize that this advice may be unpopular...
i feel like you have complained about her for awhile and have oscilated on whether to tell her off or let it be many, many times. to me, that says you just arent ready to force her to see it the way you see it. which is perfectly okay.
at this point, i think you have two options. either 1- you tell her how you feel and are prepared for her to be upset and even argue, permanently damage whatever you may have left in means of a friendship, and be done with it.
or 2- come to peace with the fact that this is the way she is, dont let it bother you anymore, realize that while what you have now is different than before its still a friendship, and stop expecting more because it wont change.
Yes, it's totally true that this is an endless cycle with her...and I've complained about it/her a lot.
I really thought I was at the point of #2 until she sent me that email today and mentioned, "like omg! we lost touch again!". For some reason that sent me over the edge.
Anyway, I emailed her and nicely said I get the impression that she doesn't have time for me/the friendship anymore. I feel like I got something off my chest without being a total biotch....we'll see how that goes.
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I have to say, Riss, that is BRILLIANT! Totally going to put this one in the vault for future use.
hahaha!
Yeah - totally manipulative, but it forces them to live up to it which makes it MUCH easier for you - AND they take it as a compliment. win-win!
| cute shoes make me happy |