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Are we doomed?
So for the past 2 years we have been trying to have a baby, it's not working. DW is into IUI and we only have a couple left before going broke (IVF) trying to have a kid.
If the doctor hasn't prescribed sex I basically have to beg for it, and then it's like she is just doing me a favor. I find this *** really hard to talk to her about because she gets so emotionally distant. We are both in our early 30's and should be enjoying ourselves before we finally do have a child (not that it ends there for everyone but I'm a pessimist).
In the past month we've had sex 4 times, and 3 out of the four times she notices that I'm horny and is like "Fine, whatever!" lets out a huge sigh like I'm inconveniencing her. Then she just lays there until I'm done.
It makes me feel worthless and like I'm wasting my time even asking for it. I
Is this typical behavior due to the drugs she's been taking?
I don't know WTF to do, or how to broach the subject with her. I guess the anonymity of the internet allows me that freedom here.
Re: Are we doomed?
Have you, or have you considered, planning a weekend away? We're nowhere near the 2 year mark of TTC, but I have already communicated to my husband that even though we make valiant efforts to keep things spiced up and not blatantly baby conceiving sex, it still sticks in our heads that it's sex for a reason, rather than sex for fun. We're planning a weekend so that we can get back to being us, and being together because we want to be, not because I'm ovulating. I'm wondering if taking her out of her element and having a relaxing, just the two of you, remembering how things were prior to TTC, weekend might be beneficial.
Either way, I would sit down and calmly talk it out with her. TTC takes an emotional toll on a woman, especially when it isn't working out as planned. The medications on top of that will definitely play a huge role in her libido.
Best of luck to you!
How was her sex drive BEFORE the IUI? Did you guys have a healthy and satisfying sex life then? Has it just turned sour since you started trying to conceive?
No matter what your answers are to the above questions, you have to start communicating better before you bring kids into this mess. You need to insist that you guys go to marriage counseling because honestly, no one here on the Nest can pull out a magic 8 ball and peer into your wife's head to see what she is thinking. And if she won't tell you -- your marriage will be doomed.
I would wonder if she is feeling ambivalent about motherhood. No woman who is going through hormone treatments to get pregnant turns down sex or doesn't suggest sex when she is fertile. Maybe she is worried about the burdens and difficulties of pregnancy or motherhood. Maybe she is worried about your marriage.
I don't know if doomed is the right word...but you are in an uphill battle to maintain your marriage. If you are having this much trouble trying to get pregnant, it might get worse if she does. The baby is going create a lot of stress and demand a lot of attention.
Like PP said, you need to talk to her. But, this shouldn't be a touchy feely talk. It needs to be very frank. Tell her exactly how you are feeling. She is going to get emotional (all those hormones plus the sensitive subject matter) and you're going to have to push forward. It may very well be ugly...but it needs to be done for both your sakes.
There are other options if she can't get pregnant as I'm sure you're well aware of. Perhaps it time to look at those.
I'm not sure if you mean to, but you make it sound like it's her fault, or their fault, that she isn't pregnant.
My husband and I struggled for 2 years before I got pregnant. The drugs definitely do kill your sex drive.
I know when I was going through all of that, part of me really started to feel like wth is the point of having sex when I can't get KUed. It's not necessarily a rational thought, but when you're shooting up with all that junk, it does a number on your mind and emotions.
When you do sit down and have that frank conversation as pp's suggested, I think it's also important that you explain how much you enjoy connecting with her through sex. Sex, in your view, is not just for baby making but also for the joy and the passion that you share together.
I hth and best of luck. Infertility is a huge mindfluck.
Stop TTC until you get to the bottom why she is spurning you sexually. You and she need to talk at length.
Have you been watching your weight? is your hygiene good -- are you showering up, keeping clean and well groomed? Are your teeth and breath in scrupulous shape?
The disconnect may be due to the drugs; if there was a disconnect sexually before the therapy then another problem exists.
You need to sit down and have a long talk with her. Disconnefct the phone, no interruptions -- if you already have kids, send 'em off to a sitter.