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WWYD? (Long)
I've been rather hesitant in posting this, but I seriously am not sure what to do, or how to act about this right now.
This past weekend, my parents came to our house to help out with the baby and with household chores because we didn't have any time to prepare like we thought since Scarlett was 4 weeks early.
On Monday, the day they left, J had to work. However, he called and said he would bring home lunch for himself, my parents and I before my mom and dad left from a burger joint down the street. My parents gave their order and I gave mine. When I told J what I wanted, my Dad automatically asked "Why are you ordering french fries?" I told him it was a small order and how my appetite has been lately, I'll probably only eat half (I just ordered a burger and fries...that's it). He leans forward from his seat and says "Yeah, but you have THIS now that you have to get rid of" and pats his belly. I was floored. I automatically just broke into tears and left the room. This was on Monday...ONE WEEK after I had the baby.
I've always had body image issues as I've never been a skinny person. I've always had a double digit pants and dress size and it took A LOT for me to accept and finally embrace my baby belly as that is the area I've had the most issues with. My post-baby belly feels like a deflated balloon and when I take a shower, I don't even want to be naked in front of J because I feel ugly. The funny thing is, I've been told I look skinnier now, not even two weeks after giving birth, than I did before I got pregnant.
My Dad did apologize (walked into my room, simply said "Sorry" then walked out), but this has been an ongoing battle with him and I. He's never said anything to anyone of his other kids, or even my mom about their weight. My Dad could even be considered overweight, but for some reason, he feels that it's OK to get after me about it. And it's about everything. I could be eating a bowl of fruit and he'll say something. I was really good about my diet during my pregnancy because I had GD and then Hypertension.
I haven't spoken to him since Monday, but the fact that he said this a week after I had a c-section, and he just spent the weekend in my house not even helping out just makes me so angry, but hurt at the same time. I don't know how to approach this since I am unable to ignore it and act like it never happened. This was the last straw and I feel I have to tell him to knock it off and leave me alone, but I'm not sure how.
WWYD?
Re: WWYD? (Long)
Omg, that is so freaking inappropriate! What a jerky thing to say! I'm sorry.
I really have no good advice, but I wonder if it's something you could talk to your mom about? I know there's times when my dad has been inappropriate and I've commented to my mom about it and she says something to him. It means more coming from her and is less confrontational.
I thought you said yesterday that your mom yelled at him about it? So, she obviously has let him know it's not appropriate, and you've let him know it hurt your feelings, and he's apologized for it. It isn't cool AT ALL by any stretch of the imagination, and Lord knows I have my own serious body issues with my dad (who is an Ironman Triathlete, uber-in shape and has always weighed probably less than me), but I think you have to work on moving past it as best you can.
Look at the little miracle baby you made in that body of yours and try to realize that your body is the gift that it is. Capable of making, growing, and birthing a little Scarlett Leigh. How could you ever be anything but proud of a body that does that?! Be strong!! You should be proud of yourself, not ashamed. Any MAN who doesn't realize what you've just put your body through should not be someone whose opinion matters much at all. He'll never do anything nearly as miraculous as you've done in the last 10 months. Keep your head up.
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Wow, both inappropriate and insensitive. I'm so sorry he said that to you! I think talking to your mom and seeing if she can help is a good idea for a first step.
I still think you should, now or sometime in the future if he says something again, stand up for yourself too! Aside from the fact that it is not at all his place to be commenting on your weight or what you choose to eat, much less right after you had a baby, I also agree that I wouldn't want him making those kinds of comments around my daughter in the future. It's hard enough for young girls these days without family members adding to their body issues.
Also, I have to say that if his apology was anything like what I'm imagining, it's not very sincere or meaningful. Coming into a room, mumbling "sorry" and then leaving is just crap. That resolves nothing.
Knowing myself, I would not be able to ignore this behavior. I would probably say something snarky in response on the spot, and later follow it up with something more serious, like "Dad, I really appreciate the support you've given me through my pregnancy and the help you guys have given us this weekend. I know you're concerned about my health but your recent comments about my weight were inappropriate, very hurtful, and detrimental to our relationship. Please refrain from making those comments to me in the future, especially in my own home and around my daughter."
Let me start off by saying I think you are beautiful!! It take so much for women to be comfortable with their bodies whether they weigh 100lbs or 400lbs. There is always we can find about ourselves that we would change. If you can't talk to your dad directly I agree with Passanie. Start by talking to your mom. Let her know that what your dad really hurt you and that you didn't feel that his "apology" was sincere. That you would hate for this one thing to define the future of your relationship especially now that there is a grandchild to think about. Hopefully she will understand where you are coming from and speak to him. Best of luck!
BTW Scarlett is so perfect!!! Congratulations again!! You are truly blessed!
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what a shitty thing for your dad to say. i am so sorry he did that. if i can just suggest... you can always write him a letter. when you write a letter you can say exactly what you want to say - clearly and concisely. if it's bugging you as much as it obviously is, i think "just let it go" isn't going to work. i understand your desire and need to tell him that what he did was not okay, and that you won't tolerate that kind of behavior towards your daughter (nor should you tolerate towards yourself, either). i agree w/ smbsantacruz... his apology seemed anything but heartfelt. tell him how you feel, write it down and send it. your mom telling him off is great, but not the same, nor what you need to say.
and i ditto everything stef&todd said re: the amazing things your wonderful, beautiful body is capable of!!!
I would sit him down the next chance you get and just say, "listen, Dad, I know that you care about me, but it's only been a week and I'm still recovering from what is essentially major surgery. I'm tired, I don't feel that great. Considering it has taken me a long time to be ok with myself and my body, you pointing out that I need to lose weight at a time like this is a little inappropriate and it hurt my feelings. What I really need right now is for you to be supportive of me."
If he claims that he was being supportive tell him, "But what you don't understand is that when you say I need to lose weight, you're telling me I'm fat. That is really upsetting to me, so please don't say that again."
With guys, especially older ones, you really need to be blunt and honest with them if you ever want to get anywhere with them. Otherwise they'll never get it...and then even half the time they still don't.
Tea Time for Lulu
That is awful! I am so sorry he behaved like that and with all due respect, that was a jerk move. I had a c-section also and recovery for me was hard. I remember just feeling so beat up in the first couple of weeks, to have anything other than just unconditional love and support would have been terrible. You deserve better.
It is time to tell him to cut it out. His behavior is just inappropriate and insensitive. Not to mention, pretty selfish to come visit for a week and not do a thing to help.
I think you said it perfectly: knock it off and leave me alone.
Congratulations on Scarlett
((Hugs))
Lighthouse State Beach, Santa Cruz.
I kind of assume you have already told him "Nicely" probably more times than you can count that it makes you very upset and he has chosen to totally disregard your feeling. In my humble opinion, it's time for some tougher language. As in "if You find it impossible to control your comments about my weight, then you will not be permitted in my house and I will not be visiting you anymore. It is very damaging to me and now also it will be damaging to my child and that is something I cannot condone in any way". That's assuming that he has flagrantly disregarded your past requests.
Letting something roll off your back is only possible if it doesn't bother you. My mother had a long history of this crap in every possible way, wear more makeup, get a perm or highights in your hair, You're wearing that??? lose weight, you look tired, I even got a nosejob on her urging. I have laid down the law with her. Now, she never EVER comments on my looks except occasionally to say I look fantastic. And she knows she better not say anything else or she may never see me again.