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Update... I made a decision
H has a month. One month to prove by his actions that he is working on our marriage. He doesn't know that I've decided to put an actual time limit on it, but I'm tired of him doing just enough. He needs to do more.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have done everything I can do. The ball is in his court.
This last weekend with my family in town was beyond awful. My sister and her H were great, it was great spending time with them and the kids, but H's behavior was beyond deplorable. One of the posters on another post of mine said something about my family having to put up with my H being an "assholio". (I think that was the term used). Until this weekend, they had never seen that side of him. It was disgusting, and embarassing.
He still has not contacted the anger management counselor he was referred to. He has the name, but has not called. He's had it for 2 weeks. I'm not calling them and making the appointment for him. This is HIS first step to repairing our marriage and I'm not going to take it for him. If he's not willing to do the work, then our marriage is a failure. I'm done taking responsiblity for him.
It's been a while since I posted anything about our situation, so I thought I'd give you all a little update.
Re: Update... I made a decision
I never thought I would say this, but as far as I'm concerned, the marriage is already over, and I'm ok with that. I didn't think I would be, but I am.
If I wait one more month, I will have enough money in my stash to pay for 1st, last, and deposit on my own place, fill the fridge, purchase other basic household items I know I will need, and pay for all of my bills for the first month.
Also, we are in the process of paying off some bills, and trying to work with the mortgage company to sell the house. If those 2 things are taken care of before I leave, we will have less to divide up in the divorce.
I'm really glad to hear that you've gotten to this point.
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I'm a little sad that it's taken me so long to get to this point, but I have been feeling pretty good overall since I made the decision. It took me a long time and a lot of thought to come up with something I think is not only reasonable, but quantifiable. The time limit was important to me, because if I did not set a date it would be very easy to just muddle on waiting for things to get better. I really needed to draw a line in the sand so to speak.
A month sometimes seems like a long time, but it will give me an opportunity to determine whether he's actually working and improving. I wanted to give him time to make an appointment and be seen and actually begin doing the work (if he chooses to). I don't want to put unrealistic expectations on him, and I think that a month is plenty of time to begin and show progress.
Plus it allows me to interview lawyers and prepare myself without making a purely emotional decision. It gives me time to really prepare so I can be confident in my decision and make it stick.
We have all been there at some point, and for some of us, we could be there again, because life isn't perfect. With relationships, like jobs and school, I like to keep the saying in mind "It isn't where you were, or are now that matters but where you end up" because we all make mistakes but learning from them is the point!
I really like time lines, and yours is a good solid because it isn't an ultimatum, it's an explanation of what is happening. Your husband has month to figure out what he is going to do, because you already have, and it is a perfect amount for him to make progress if he wants to stay. Good lawyers are hard to find, so taking a month to weed out the bad ones, because there can be many, is an excellent idea. I am really glad to hear this update!
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If he has had the number for 2 weeks, I feel that is reasonable and realistic time for him to have called. Good for you, though, giving it an end time!
Don't beat yourself up over taking "too long". Don't beat yourself up over anything, actually.
This is the time for you to be good to yourself and treat yourself well. If you had a friend that told you her story, you wouldn't start berating her on her timeline, you would tell her that she is making the right decision for herself and her kid.
Totally your call, but I would start telling *helpful* friends and family that you are ending your marriage and you need support, maybe even on an emergency basis.
I've told a couple of people, but I think most of my family will not be surprised. In fact I was more than a little shocked at the lack of surprise from my family when I left in February. I'm a little leary of telling people for a couple of reasons, but mainly, I'm a little worried that someone might say something to someone else, who will tell someone else, who will tell someone else, who will tell H. So, I'm being very selective about people I tell.
And you're absolutely right, zest. Beating myself up isn't going to help anyone. I can only move forward. It doesn't matter how long it took me to get here, I'm here now.
I'm looking forward to the days when I can look forward to the weekend again.
I wouldn't tell anyone about the "deadline" you gave him. You can come on here and talk to us about it or whatever you want.... but I wouldn't tell anyone right now in person or people you know face to face.
And since your H has had that number for 2 weeks and still has not called.... I bet he has NO intention of calling.
I'm glad that you are getting your ducks in a row. You are a REALLY strong person. Good Luck!!
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
What happened with the advice of your couple's counselor to 'just tread water' and give each other a pass on everything?
I know you were really pissed about that. Did anything come of it?
Nothing really came of it. There wasn't much of a change in either my actions or the actions of H. It was almost like he decided that he had "a pass" so he could just continue on the way he has without consequence.
We had a long discussion after my family left, however, and it became painfully obvious that I had rationalized things he had said or done in the past in order to make it easier for me to release my anger associated with the hurt. In our conversation, I discovered that my rationalizations were completely wrong. It was much easier for me to believe that he did and said these things without thinking simply because he was THAT angry, kind of a temporary insanity plea. I was wrong. H told me (citing specific examples) that he put a lot of thought into everything he has said or done. That knowledge has made it very hard for me move forward with what I thought was our relationship. The knowledge that he actually thought about the hurtful things he's said and done before he did them has resurrected a lot of anger and hurt feelings.
I want to be with someone who puts that much thought into loving, caring things he can do for me, rather than someone who thinks things like "it's ok to hit her, just don't hit her in the face and don't hit her too hard." That kind of thinking is unacceptable to me.
I am sure that there are those men out there, and I'm so incredibly for those women who have found them in their lives. BUT, I am finally at a place where I believe that I would be ok whether I found that type of person in my life or not. I am finally happier and more content with me and I don't feel like I need a man to make me feel good about myself. It took me a long time to get there, and I'm still working on it, but it's amazing how happiness with yourself can give you clarity!