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NER: F/U to Family Cruise Brouhaha
I mentioned a few weeks ago that my grandparents were sending everyone in the family (and it's a big Italian family) on a family cruise to Mexico except me and few others. I wasn't given the opportunity to pay my own way. (backstory here: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/4254678.aspx)
Well, I talked to my middle sister (also not invited) last night and I found out why we were not invited. We are apparently a ruse for my 20 year old cousin who has gone bat sh!t crazy over the past few years. No one wanted her to go on the cruise b/c she is a terror, a liar, probably alcoholic, and crazy. But my grandparents didn't want to set up a vacation where she was the only one not invited, so they set it up so some of us were not invited so as not to piss her off. Brilliant!
They then lied to the crazy cousin and said that the only reason my 20 year old younger sister was invited was b/c she is paying her own way (a great teaching method, lie to a liar!).
And I also found out that one of my other supposedly uninvited cousins was given the chance to pay his and his GF's own way. But not me? This pisses me off even more.
If they really wanted me and my middle sister on the cruise, why didn't they just lie some more to crazy cousin and say "LMW and LMW's sister paid their own way" or if not that, let us actually pay our own damn way!!!
I now feel like this plan is even more personal. And I was just getting over it too.
Meh. I'm probably not making any sense. But I just needed to vent to someone and I can't really talk to my family about this. Thanks.
Re: NER: F/U to Family Cruise Brouhaha
Sounds to me like they're lying to you and your sister too. We didn't invite you because we wanted to make someone else feel better about not being invited?
Sorry, 20 yo cousin, if she's going to be an embarrassment, perhaps this is the time to tell her why she's not being invited...because of her poor behavior. Maybe that will teach her something.
And why you specifically and not other cousins? i don't buy it.
Why aren't your parents fighting for you?
I wouldn't want anything to do with them at this point myself, but I'd sure as hell let them all know how much it hurt me and hope it makes them all feel ridiculously rotten.
It's too late to book as I understand it. The thing is, my cousin was given the chance to book before the cruise closed and by the time I was even told about it, there was no chance.
Not that I can go anyway. If I have to retake the bar it will be in Feb.
Seriously, that's messed up. However, I still think it's something my family would see no problem with doing themselves.
Thanks for the update. I always appreciate it when people post F/Us.
The whole thing sounds super shady. They very well may be lying about their lies, ya know?
Ugh. Sorry you're involved in the mess! I hope your parents say something about their crap, at least so it doesn't happen in the future.
11/21
Yikes, that's an ugly situation.
I agree with whoever mentioned it's time someone sat down and talked to your cousin.
It's a pretty elaborate ruse to not hurt her feelings...
That is awful.
TALK to your grandparents. You've got to let them know how hurt you are. The batshit crazy cousin is a ruse. The other cousin was given the chance to pay. You were excluded.
Please, please talk to them or this will probably irrevocably poison your relationship with your family. I know it won't change the events, but you've got to let them know how hurtful they are being.
my read shelf:
My parents won't say anything b/c they don't like to "rock the boat." (ha ha).
I totally agree that this would have been a great opportunity to explain to my cousin why her bad behavior has consequences.
I wouldn't be surprised that someone is lying about lies.
I'm still dreading Christmas with these people as now even more people are going on the cruise than I thought.
My sister made a funny comment last night. On christmas my grandparents will announce: "Hey cruisers, your christmas present from us will be a cruise in febuary. Hey non-cruisers, your christmas present from us will be a cruise DVD in March." Lol. Priceless.
Ugh, sorry your family is being so weird
My own family is a mess of weirdo personalities that I choose not to deal with anymore, for the most part. I don't think some people realize they are being hurtful when they're less than honest. Maybe your grandparents are wrapped up in selling their story, whatever it is, and are not seeing past that.
This is just bizarre!
It sounds less personal towards you than just a really, really bad idea. But I can see how much it sucks, either way.
I know, this is what I naturally want to do. I never hold in my feelings with anyone (a blessing and a curse). But, and I don't know how to explain this, does anyone come from a family where talking about issues does not result in a family catharsis but rather makes more hurt feelings? That's my family. Odd I know, as they are Italian, you would think we wouldn't hold back as much as we do.
We'll see though.
I get ya. But it will be their hurt feelings which is their responsibility. That doesn't mean you have to be road kill who doesn't even get to yell, "ouch!" when they run you over. It's an emotional blackmail and manipulation they got going.
They hurt you. You don't even get to flinch. If you dare say anything, they act hurt - and I bet get other family members in on it, telling you how awful you are to treat poor old Bubby like that. So you are cowed into standing there saying, "Thank you. May I have another?"
Don't let them. It's poison. It's better not to be in contact than to have your whole sense of self squashed.
Two years ago, I would have agreed with Lisa that you should absolutely talk with them about this. But I come from a family where we talk things out. DH comes from a family with a passive-aggressive mother, and they never, ever dealt with unpleasant emotions in that family. I encouraged him to talk to his brother about a conflict between them, because in my family, that would of worked.
In his family, it created absolute havoc. My in-laws got involved, and it was Ugly. We as a family still have not recovered, and it cast a shadow on our wedding.
If you have an innate sense that this will not go over well, go with it. I hate to say that, but things haven't been the same with DH's family since that whole thing blew up. DH had a sense that it might not go over well to bring up hurt feelings, and he was right. Not because it's wrong to bring up the hurt feelings -- I still feel like it's the health thing to do. But because there was an unhealthy dynamic in his family regarding communication of hurt feelings. It's absolutely dysfunctional in that regard. I learned a very ugly and hurtful lesson here. Just because you think it's the right and healthy thing to do doesn't mean that your extended family will be able to communicate at that same level
So in order to avoid pissing off and hurting the feelings of one person, they decided to piss off and hurt the feelings of several people instead??? That is seriously messed up. I'm sorry.
honestly - thats all still so messed up. The way I'm feeling today I'd email everyone going and tell them that I'm disowning them all since they didn't care to have me as part of their family vacation - just to see them squirm.
I will probably just plug my ears and sing fa la la la la.
But it's hard to ignore when they have set up and invited me to participate in a family message board to "discuss our upcoming family cruise!"
Blah. My family sucks.
Now THAT calls for a mass email telling them to shove it.
WOW. That's low, LMW. I might change my mind on the confronting them thing.
Day-umn.
What about calling your grandparents. Tell them you were invited to this message board, and that you are confused about whether they want you to go or not? If they say no, tell them how hurtfun and confusing this is.
Did your grandparents set up the message board? If so, that presents a perfect opportunity to broach the subject. They need to know that they handled this badly and that feelings are hurt. I understand it can be easier to let sleeping dogs lie, but they are now blatantly throwing your exclusion in your face and it really needs to be addressed.
I am so sorry. I would feel about two inches tall if I was dealing with this. A sort of similar thing happened to me a few years ago with a friend's destination wedding (I was invited and then uninvited. They paid everyone's way but would not accept my offer to pay my own way. It was extremely hurtful).