Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
NER: AW Family stuff
Ok, I'll run this by you guys.
The ILs have decided they're taking DH, BIL, SIL and me to Disney World in December. Sounds fun, right? Well, I'm nervous as hell about it. Aside from the fact that going on vacation with ILs can be nervewracking, I'm really worried about what my parents will say.
DH and I haven't been to see my parents since 2006. I know, this is terrible. However, we see them at least twice a month, because they come up here for my dad's work constantly. They also travel elsewhere incessantly, to the point where it's actually really hard to find a weekend when they're down there and it works out for us to come. My mom has thrown fits in the past about us not coming down, but it's honestly so hard! It got even harder after we got the rat and then two new kittens.
So I am freaking out about telling them, but we're now about a month out. What can I do? How can I not be the worst daughter in the world?
Re: NER: AW Family stuff
Why is going to Disney such a big deal? Do your parents live in Florida?
This is what I'd say:
"DH & I are going to Disney World."
Wellll, your ILs planned this and are paying for you to go, right? If your parents did something similar, you'd go, wouldn't you? I don't think your mom and dad would expect you to turn that down.
When you tell her, pick a specific time to visit your parents , whether or not it's months away. That way you'll kind of be acknowledging that you should've visited, but are offering a solution at the same time.
No, my parents will just be upset that I'm traveling with the ILs and not to see them.
They freaked out about Christmas, saying if we went up to Maine to see the extended DH family, they'd be livid. We're not doing that for our own sanity (esp after traveling with them in the beginning of December), but it's still obnoxious.
I love my parents, but they are very clingy. For instance, my mom called on Monday night and we talked for 1.5 hours. Yesterday she wrote me an e-mail lamenting not having heard from my brother or me for ages.
Ok, we'll pick a time to visit. See, we'd tried to visit in October, but they literally weren't home any October weekend except this one. Tomorrow I have to volunteer, and maybe on Sunday, so it doesn't work for me.
Yeah, I mean it wasn't my idea. The ILs are paying, etc. I would go if my parents wanted us to go on a big trip. They are actually tentatively planning one for us all for their 40th anniversary (in 2 years).
Your not the worst daughter in the world. I haven't been back to see my family since 2005 (my sisters come to visit me, it's more entertaining here) and I haven't spent xmas with them since 2000 and I don't feel particularly bad about it. I don't think you're even in the running for that title.
I'm sure your parents will understand. Especially if you spend Thanksgiving with them.
Thanks! We will actually be with my family for Christmas and with the ILs for TGiving. We would go down to their house for Christmas, but they want to be with all of us, and SIL has placenta previa and can't travel. So we'll all be up here for Christmas at least. We're headed to WDW on December 4.
Oh families!
Why do they cause such drama!?
I think you should just be honest with her and then sit down with the calendar and plan out your next visits to their house. Sort of a "bitter with the sweet."
You need to tell your parents that you are a married woman and that they aren't always going to be #1.
To be honest, you seem to have these problems a lot. They will keep happening until you make it clear that sometimes they won't get their way.
Do they think that you will just never spend a Christmas with your husband's family? Because honestly, that's really selfish of them.
If they can't be happy for you that you are getting to go on a fun vacation, then I think you really need to sit down and have a long talk with them.
Your parents sound a lot like mine. They always complain they never see me, but I've been up to see them at least 4-5 times in the past year. Despite that they've been to the twin cities at least 6 times in same year, they've never made any effort to even let me know they're in town, let alone see me. The last time they actually were down here to actually see me was my wedding over 2 years ago.
It's frustrating. You can't control what your ILs do, so it's stupid for your parents to get upset about it. Even though I still would probably just tell them that you and DH are going to Disney World and leave the ILs out of it, it's a bit far-fetched for them to be angry about it.
Beyond the difficulty of finding time, there's a cost difference between this trip and seeing your parents right? Esp if your ILs are paying?
But at the end of the day, logic and reason doesn't much work with a parent who feels hurt. I've tried this with each of my parents and Mr.P's, and seen it with his siblings too; they see it their way and you see it yours and there's not a whole lot that will change that.
The best you can do IMO is make your decisions and make it clear you're the only one who gets to make them 'cause you're an adult now.
It's true, ESF, I am sure I'm acting like a child about this. We planned to spend Christmas with the ILs, but after going to see the extended family in Maine over Labor Day, DH wanted no part of it. This way, we'll stay in our own place and just spend the day with my family. My dad's birthday is the day after, so I'll be glad to spend it with them, too.
I know I should plan a trip to see my parents, but it has been hard, and it's not that fun to visit them. They want us up early every day of the visit, but then they fizzle out really early so we can't do anything really fun. And of course, the time constraint because of their schedule!
They have constant IL jealousy. Thankfully (maybe unfortunately for me) my brother's wife's family is really strange, so brother and SIL spend most holidays with my parents. They don't go down to visit a lot, but probably did twice in the last year.
Oh, and my MIL honestly thinks a fair Christmas split is to alternate who we spend Christmas Eve with and to always spend Christmas Day with them... So, one year would be Eve/Day with the ILs, the next would be Eve with my family and Day with them.
Sure...
Parent issues are hard. Even if you are acting like a child about it, I hoenstly don't blame you.
Maybe you could start the convo with "hey, lets plan a time for us to come visit you guys for the holidays" and then after you have planned it, then mention you are going to Disney world. BUT, say it in terms of "DH and I are go, and the ILs are gonna meet up with us there - but I really don't wanna see them much because I wanna go on rides and they just wanna shop all the time." you know, down play the idea of you 4 going together.
Also, remember that one of the easiest ways to get a woman on your side is to b!tch about the other side. I wonder if it would make your mom a bit less..... insecure?.....about you being with the ILs if you vented about a thing or two about them you don't like. I know that sounds underhanded but its worked wonders for me in a work place full of women.
Okay, with further info, ditto ESF. It's time to put your foot down.
I adore my family, I'm very close to them and we have multiple family functions per month. My mom was my MOH. Mr.P has a brother in the military who just returned from Iraq, and his family is big on being together for the holidays.
But we set a strict schedule back before we were engaged for switching off every other holiday with each family. There have been tough spots - MIL didn't talk to us one Tgiving, GMIL started a showdown at the Easter dinner table one year, and my mother can whine with the best of them. MIL is readjusting with the relatively new reality of one son in the military, and asks several times a year for us to adjust our plans in one way or another.
But it's really easy when anyone has an issue to say, look, this is the way it is. We have our lives and that comes first. We've set up a brutally fair system that allows for very little complaining.
I haven't seen my parents since May and won't see them again until Dec 26. I haven't seen my inlaws since last Thanksgiving (DH saw them in September).
Anyway, it's not like your inlaws trip is taking you away from your parents. They need to get over it if they have a problem. You're an adult. You love them. You're a good daughter. Things could be soo much worse, and is among so many families. Kindly and gently put them in their place.