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I don't want to hurt your feelings, but
I would really love it if you could give me some perspective on this:
DH has a relative that I feel like we don't "get" each other very well. (read: I think she's whack-a-doodle). I've been trying to be friendly with her because I think she is probably really sweet once you get past the other stuff. She has a 2 year old and is all about "my baby my baby, omg look at my baby." So, I am working on some crafty projects for the kids in the family for the holidays. I emailed her and said, "omg I bought the cutest fabric for baby for a project I'm working on for him" knowing she'd be excited too. (It's super cute Blue's Clues)
Her response was, "oh! Is it for his birthday? I don't want to hurt your feelings but I think we're just going to start having birthday parties with just siblings and close friends." Um, okay. Then she goes into a "do you think I'm a bad mom because I don't want to throw big parties for my kid?!" questions. She's always asking me some question or other that indicates that she either thinks she's a bad mom or that she thinks I think she's a bad mom.
Some background: I don't even have kids. What the heck do I know about being a mom?! Why would she care what I think? I promise that that particular email had no other wording or statements that would imply that I think she's a bad mom...and yet, she always asks.
Is this just mom guilt? Is there something I may be doing to make the mom guilt worse? (like, not having kids? lol)
And as a random side note question - if you pretty much tell someone "you're not close enough to come to the birthday party" would you expect said unclose person to send a gift?
Re: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but
DH has some relatives that I would send a gift to regardless of whether or not they invited me to the b'day party. For example, his nephew has a baby. If the nephew included aunts/uncles (like dh), that would be on top of parents, stepparents, grandparents, siblings and their dates. That's a lot of people! But dh would always want to give something to the baby. He couldn't care less about going to a party (unless it was a major thing like a baptism or communion).
However, I am the "pick up something for $20" type of gift giver - - I'm not sure I would go to the time and effort to make something for someone who did not consider me close. I mean, even if you aren't close family, you're not close friends either? Also, dh has family members that I would want to skip the party if I could, let along would not want to give a gift (even if I were invited!). So, it really depends on your relationship and how much you like the baby despite their odd parent.
I don't ask people if doing XYZ makes me a bad mom. I might make jokes about it ("oh, I'm Mommy Dearest, dd is only allowed to have 5 people at her birthday this year"), but I think her "bad mom" questions stem from her wierdness, not from motherhood.
It seems to me that her questions of being a bad mom are just insecurities with being a first-time mom. I wouldn't put much more thought into it.
I would actually love to be excluded from children's festivities (I may be the only one who feels this way, though).
Follow through with the gift you are making for her child since you already mentioned it. But, let this be a lesson learned that you are not considered in the "inner circle" for their social gatherings for her kid. With that being said, don't feel obligated to go out of your way to buy/make gifts in the future for the kid.
Sound advice as usual. Sorry, I'm having a fan girl moment because I really do enjoy reading your posts.
I was pretty relieved that the first birthday party was at a "spray ground" and we were requested to "wear our swimsuits." We bowed out because we figured a 30-something child-free couple in swimsuits might be a little strange at a sprayground even if it was a party.
Thanks for the advice. I was starting to wonder if I was bringing out the crazy, or if she just happens to have enough to share with everyone.
Kinda sounds like an attention whore.
I have a three year old and have never asked someone if something I did or didn't do made me a 'bad mom' and then waited for a response where they gushed that I was a good mom. Nevermind asking over and over.
And she sounds a bit self absorbed - that when you mentioned a craft project for all the kids for the holiday, she made it all about her and the tot's birthday and a 'oh by the way, you're not included'. Pretty condescending. And she knows it.
Stop trying so hard with her. She sounds like a big waste of time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Everything Wahoo said.
Sounds like her "bad mom" question in this instance was more to soften the blow of not inviting everyone and their uncle to the kid's party. I wouldn't read more into it than that. I actually think I'm super mom, but I ask those questions all the time. It's more in the vein of being humorous/self-deprecating, so I'd hope that no one takes me seriously.
I think it's fine to send the kid a present. It's for the child, not for the parent. And to be honest, I think it'd be overwhelming to invite extended family for a small child's birthday party. My DS is about to turn two, and it'll be the same as when he turned one. Only immediate family coming over for food and cake. Does that make me a bad mom?
I think if the "bad mom" thing was an isolated incident I wouldn't have thought much about it. But it seems to come up in every conversation about some thing or another. I think it's fine to send a present if you'd planned to - but I'm not generally in the habit of sending gifts for birthdays. I usually bring them if I'm invited to a party because I'm going to the party and obligated to bring it.
My family is HUGE so it's just not feasible.
asking questions like that is called fishing for compliments. i hate that.
if she asked me if she were being a bad mom for throwing a party like that i'd have to answer 'do what you think is best' and leave it at that.
i also give the side-eye to 'close friends and siblings' i truly hope she doesn't mean cose friends of th 2 year old.
no way would i send a gift.