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Beating a dead horse: husband watching porn.
A couple days ago I found a porn site DH left up on the computer. I know he looks at porn on occasion (although I don't think he knows I know), and the only thing that bothers me about it is that it makes me feel undesirable and bad about myself, like he'd rather jerkoff to these chicks on the Internet than have actual sex with me. I think the fact that we RARELY have sex (like, every 3 months, lately) has a lot to do with how I feel. If we were doing it more often, it probably wouldn't bother me as much.
I will fully admit I have never been the initiator of sex, but over the past year I feel like neither one of us has really been putting forth the effort. He stays up a lot later than me on the weekends, and during the week he works late and just comes home, eats and falls asleep. We used to hang out on the weekends and it would just lead naturally into sex, but not lately.
Do I confront him about the porn? My intent is not to cause an argument, and I also do not think porn is cheating. Or do I just start making more of an effort to initiate in hopes that our sex life gets back on track?
If your husband watches porn, do you feel the way I do? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel sexy now after seeing what he was getting off on. I am not a porn star 
We have a really great marriage except for the sex lately.
Advice, flames -- all are welcome!
Re: Beating a dead horse: husband watching porn.
Walk into the bedroom all sexied up and do some of the stuff you saw (assuming it's not super...different) and then when he exclaims how awesome you are...you say "Babe....all you had to do was ask" and saunter out of the bedroom.
But in all seriousness...let him know how it makes you feel to find that stuff. And make time for the two of you.
I realize my take on things is not really the norm for a lot of people, but here ya go:
MH was deployed for over a year and I sent him about 6 full length (60+minutes) porn videos each month from a site we both really like and subscribe to, so obviously I have no problem with porn. And I am no porn star either! Try not to compare yourself.
If you aren't having as much sex as you would like, tell him. He might want to have more sex as well but not want to initiate for the same reasons you don't want to, (whatever those may be). Without communicating your needs things will inevitable get worse before they get better.
Money and sex are the two things most couples have issues with- the best thing (IMHO) is to talk so you both know what the issue is, then actively work to change the situation.
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Well of course you feel bad, you do not have a healthy sex life with him. What came firdt thbe chicken o=r the egg?
Your main concern should be WHY arent you hand your H having regualr sex??? It didnt seem like a priority to either of you until you found his porn!
Maybe you should work on that.
ditto what PP said. If something is bothering you, bring it up to your husband.
I wouldn't say "confront him" but I'd say discuss it. Have you ever mentioned porn to him, or your feelings on it? If you haven't, then its not fair to be upset with him about something you guys have never discussed. If you approach it as "I caught you doing something bad" then he'll get defensive. If you simply say "i just realized you like watching porn, and we've never talked about it. Let's talk about it!" then he's more likely to be open with you about it.
Him watching porn doesn't make me feel unattractive--but no sex for weeks on end would make me start feeling unattractive or upset. For that reason, when H and I spoke about porn (while we were dating), my only request is that I get first dibs. lol If we're home, and we're in the mood, then he comes to me. I don't care if he watches it, but I do care if he's watching it and then ignoring me in the bedroom. So far, it works out well. He can enjoy himself when he needs to, and our sex life is great.
Also, if you want sex--initiate it. On top of the porn discussion, you SHOULD mention that the frequency for you guys has changed, and it worries you.
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That 70s show had one brilliant thing to say about porn....
If he had that woman out of the porn, he'd still have porn of you.
What do you mean you have never been the initiator of sex? As in ever? If so, then, yeah, not sure how much effort you would have been putting in the last year, but then it sounds like you never really have, and now that he has slacked off it is bothering you?
Yes, I DO think you should certainly start making more of an effort if your current effort is "not anything", know what I mean? I am not trying to come down hard on you, but sometimes one of you is going to have to just go for it and initiate, and if you feel a bit unsexy as he is not initiating the last few months, can you imagine how he feels that you never initiate?
Talk to him. That being said, I think the talk needs to be about how you desire from some more spice (and frequency) in your sex life and are missing that connectiong with him, because to me it sounds like you are focusing on the porn instead of the underlying issues that are bothering you here. The porn may have spurred you on, but be honest with yourself....the sex issues have been there for a long time already. Plan to spend more quality time on the weekends (like date nights) or stay up a bit later when he gets home during the week to spend some sexy time together.
My sense is that you two are not having much "fun" together lately or spending much time connecting and communicating to each other as a couple, meaning a lack of quality time and date nights together as you have fallen into a routine of living your little day to day lives (the whole ships passing in the night thing). I am pretty sure that if you bring back the time to connect together as a couple, things may come quite naturally (but you should still initiate!), however, you really do need to get back to this asap, as in my personal experience, the longer you go ignoring the elephant in the room (such as the lack of sex), well, the better it does not get....
I used to get in a tizzy about DH watching porn, when he was home. While in Iraq, I completely understand. We had a heart-to-heart about it and he actually explained that porn gave him some ideas to do with when we're together.
I was also lurking on this board and picked up that men are very visually when it comes to masturbation. I really can't get on him for masturbating when I do the same thing. So, in the grand scheme of things, I needed to step back and see the bigger picture. It is a normal, knee-jerk reaction to feel bad about yourself, but you also need to put that to the side for the second, talk to your DH and try to see where he's coming from.
GL to you!!
My husband does, but not too often. I don't care. It's just a fantasy. He can dream on all he wants, lol. It making you feel insecure is a problem with you, not your husband. Nothing should make you feel that way and I'm sure if you asked him if he expects you to look or act like a porn star he'd say no and that he actually prefers otherwise.
I say initiate sex more. If you want to have sex more, then ask for more. If he turns you down continuously and continues his porn habit, then you know there is a real problem.
I am guilty to say that I feel the same way as you. I hate porn. I wish it was never invented. I've seen what my DH watches too.
I confronted him and it did end up in a huge argument, but it was bc I made a big deal about it. I however felt like he was cheating on me bc I felt unsexy bc I had just had our son 4 months prior. BUT we talked about it and he still finds me attractive he said that he knows how tired we are and its easier to just beat off.
It took me a LONG time to realize that. Men have a hard time imagining things so they have to watch something to help them out. So maybe your H is the same way... I'm sure he still finds you sexy otherwise he wouldn't have married you. So you do need to talk about it and let him know how you feel.
"I will fully admit I have never been the initiator of sex, but over the past year I feel like neither one of us has really been putting forth the effort."
Wait so you never inititate and then you feel like neither one is putting in effort. It sounds like you never put in effort and he got sick of it.
NEWS FLASH lady: Men like to feel desired too, and sounds like he always had to come after you for it. That would definately get to me after a while. Sounds like he is probably tired fo being the initiator and it is usually a quick job to look at porn.
On a side note my hubby watches porn, I do too sometimes but our sex life is good because it is give and take. I initiate half of the time and vice versa. Men want to feel like they are sexy and wanted too...
Listen to iverske9. She is correct.
Where did the idea come from that nice girls don't ask for sex?