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Session #4 in about 2.5 hours
Well, today is marriage counseling session number four. I'm not feeling nervous about it, or scared, or like I'm not really prepared... I'm actually looking forward to it, if for no other reason than to hear what great excuse H comes up with for not starting his anger management counseling yet. I'm sure it'll be something like "I just got the name, but no number", or "I just got it the other day and haven't had a chance to call." Neither of those holds any weight for me.
1. There's a thing called a phone book, or calling information. Not too difficult IMO.
2. He's had the name for 2 weeks, going on 3. The man only "works" 3 days a week and has been off for the last 4. Not an issue of "not enough time".
On a different note, I have done some research on the counselor that was recommended to him and I really do hope that he takes it upon himself to go. This particular counselor specializes in Domestic Violence, not just Anger Management!
At this point it would take something incredibly drastic to change my mind, and I don't think he's prepared to do the work required. But if he goes to this counselor, maybe things will be better for him in the future.
Re: Session #4 in about 2.5 hours
Not your job.
If you are comfortable with it, please let us know how counseling goes tonight.
And I don't think he is going to call the anger management counselor. Sorry.... I'm sure that is no news to you...
But Continue to get everything in order to make your exit. You can do it.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
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Yep.... but I really hope she doesn't go back...
Does anyone else fear that this guy is going to loose it after a counseling session and physically hurt her? I worry about that....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Counseling went fairly well. MUCH better than the "give each other a pass" session. I think I finally see where the counselor was going with all of the things he's been having us do. He was trying to get each of us to focus on our own behavior rather than the behavior of the other person. We've never had a chance other than the first session to really say "H did _________". It's always been more of a "what kind of things do you want to bring to the marriage." Essentially training us to assign blame for our actions where it belongs, on ourselves and not the other person. I think his theory is, be the best spouse you can be, and if you are doing that, and your spouse is doing the same, you have a chance.
As for him freaking out after a counseling session, I share the concern as well. Although these sessions have not been addressing individual instances rather than the marriage as a whole, so there hasn't been a lot of blame throwing afterward. But in light of that concern, I do have essentially 2 exit plans. On in place and ready should I need it "on the fly" and the longer term one that I am putting the finishing touches on during this month.
Oh yeah, and if anyone is interested. H's excuse was "I just got the name, not the number. So we have to do a reverse look up to get the number." I was especially fond of the way he said "we", thus making me equally responsible for it in his mind. It kind of made me smile. Our counselor just reiterated for the 100th time what a positive thing he thinks H's decision to do the anger management is, and how he really thinks it will be great for our family when he's able to implement some of the tools he learns there, and how awesome he thinks it is that H decided to do that on his own. Basically, the look on his face showed me he didn't believe H's excuse and he was trying to encourage him to follow through with it in a different way.
Or the day before (he'll catch on), just in time to make her stay with his sorry a$s a little longer. But then he'll drag out actually GOING to the counselor.
Don't worry hawaii, I see it too. I just have a few more ducks to get in a row. I have put in my last ditch effort. The rest is up to him. He has a couple of benchmarks that he needs to meet in my head to even begin to change my mind, and I don't believe he's commited enough to doing them.
The funny thing is, that ever since I made the decision that this was his last chance, and put a date on the calendar, I have felt great. I've not cried once. Even those times when he seemed like he was trying to make me cry, he just couldn't do it. Today, in fact was the first counseling session we've had where I didn't spend the whole hour in tears.
I'm using this month to get my financial affairs in order and tie up anything I can and at the end of the month, if he has not reached those two benchmarks (which are MORE than fair, IMO). I'm done. I will be able to leave with a clear conscience, money saved up to secure my own place, fill the cupboards, and pay all of our bills for at least one month (including full time daycare for DS, 'cus if I'm leavin the IL's are not going to be trusted with him two day s a week while I'm at work).
It's when you post things like this that concern me the most that you aren't already in a safe house w/ a restraining order and Child Support and Divorce papers filed and served.
I thought about that too. But that's why I decided he had this month to call, and begin doing the work. If he calls after I leave, great, good for him. I hope it helps him. But it's too little too late.
Please be safe safe safe. I am glad to hear that you have multiple plans.... but I would still refrain from telling ANYONE about the end of the month deadline.... for your and your child's safety.
And I agree with the PP comments on some of the things you say making me really concerned you are not in a safe house already.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
As long as they have a child together, she's stuck with some kind of relationship with him, so it is better for her and her child if he get the counseling he needs.
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Yes, I know this is completely unacceptable. And it's all been documented in my journal with his exact words. As well as the date he got the name for the anger management counselor, and every excuse he's given me for not contacting them yet.
I'm a paperwork nut by nature, so I document everything. It may not be necessary, but I'd rather have it and not need it. It could come in handy if he tries to fight me for custody, which I'm sure he will try to do. It will also provide more concrete evidence as to my need for a protection order when I do leave. I also have pictures of all of the damage to the house (doors, walls, etc) saved on a friend's computer to include in my documentation should I need it.
Just because I feel like it has to be said....for work/school I reviewed a WHOLE lot of studies on whether anger management and domestic violence counseling work for domestic abusers. Answer is, they don't. Really the only time someone stops being an abuser is if they stay in therapy long term, I'm talking 2 years + Even then it really only looks like the counseling is only really successful when they're actively going, once they stop they start abusing again.
Basically, I wouldn't place too much hope in him being magically reformed even if he does call the therapist. It will probably just prolong the next occurrence.
I have read the same thing in several books, and I honestly agree that this is the case most of the time. I do, however, personally know a couple of people who have been through anger management counseling and it did help them. There is no evidence to make me believe that H would be able to be placed in that very exclusive group, but I would like to see him try.
That's really what this particular benchmark is all about. I want him to put forth some effort to resolve an ongoing issue that he has that is affecting our family life. YES, I want it to stop too, but I am not delusioned into believing that therapy will magically cure him of his anger issues. It would go a long way in the right direction if he just showed actual effort. However, I don't see that happening.
The fact that you said before that he admitted to you how calculating he was in hurting you automatically makes me think that he does not have a problem with anger management. It's not that he hit you because he couldn't control his anger, he hit you because he wanted to hit you, but he knew that he shouldn't hit you too hard or hit you in the face. I have no idea how anger management would fix this.
I hope the end of the month comes quickly for you. Even if he did magically decide to call, I wish you would leave sooner rather than later.