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So, I had a major meltdown last night...
You know, the weeping hysterically kind. Now that I'm getting surplussed again, I just don't know what to do.
1) We were going to start trying for kids this summer, but I'm really uncomfortable doing that knowing that there's a very good chance that my job might not be the same as when I left it. I'll show up with no connections or loyalty towards me, and that's terryifing.
2) We're starting the process of looking at property, but now we don't even know which end of the city we should start looking at. I've spent my whole life moving cities because of my Dad being in the military, and while that's made me a fairly resilient person, I thought that, at long last, I was finally working towards turning Toronto and my school into my home. Now that the latter has been ripped away, I feel homeless again. It makes me feel like I'm 10 and super depressed about leaving my friends.
3) *If* I stay at my current school, and accept the acting head position, I have to go back to school both full time for July and then throughout evenings either during the fall or winter (possibly both, if the school tells me the certification I have in my field doesn't count). The teaching schedule would also include me teaching 4 new classes (1 section of grade 8 English, 2 grade 9 English [one academic, one applied], grade 9 drama and grade 7 math [which sounds awful]).
The load sounds bad enough, but having to prep for 5 classes instead of 2 AND to do night school AND be the head of the arts department... I don't know that I can do it and be trying to get pregnant (or actually be pregnant). Plus my teacher BFF is probably leaving the school, and honestly, I don't know what I'll do on my own without her. We're the only two who share an office because everyone is so standoffish.
4) I have a lead at another school for a position (grade 8/9 English), but it would be a step laterally rather than a step forward career wise. I don't know what kind of a staff situation I'd be getting myself into; I've heard the school is a good one, but I don't think that means very much anymore.
Sigh.
On the one hand, I'm scared of not putting my career first and trying to get myself settled and stable. We don't make enough money for me not to work. Heck, I make significantly more money than Phil, and if I get my specialist, I'll be earning an extra 5k a year more than what I make now. Plus, I love teaching.
On the other hand, I'm scared of putting my career first and being an old mum and running into all sorts of complications for baby #2 (which is looking more and more like they'd appear when I'm 34/35 - all going according to plan, which it already hasn't).
It feels like I'm standing at the crossroads right now, and I don't even know how to begin to make a decision here when so much is up in the air.
Any advice?
Re: So, I had a major meltdown last night...
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Every situation is totally different, but I will tell you that I went years putting my career first and kept pushing off starting a family. We pushed back marriage because of career moves, we pushed back TTC because of my career and some medical issues and I'm now 34. I have no idea where the time went but we are TTC now and I am scared to death of fertility issues and other complications.
Do what is important to you in the long run. For some people, their career is the most important thing for them, for others it is family. I really wish I had not put my life on hold for my career. I have been successful, and yes, it pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head and food on the table, but I really want a family/kids. The thought that I am 34 and TTC #1 is scary for me and I wish I could go back and do things differently.
ETA: Listen to Erinn. I am definitely not in the most positive frame of mind right now. With the possibility of a government furlough, getting a BFN this morning and other issues with work, I am bitter and not exactly the best person to give advice. Sorry if I'm not helping the situation. Try and stay positive and definitely do what makes you happy. Stressing about all of this definitely does not help the situation.
deep breaths!
1 - don't worry about the TTC.... there isn't anything (aside from getting yourself physically healthy) that you can do at this point to better,worsen, indifferent to your ute. You will either get preg with ease or have maybe have other issues you haven't identified yet.... Go into the process being positive, and take the swings as they come. Something I'm having a hard time accepting that it is virtually impossible to "plan" your fertility the way you want it (hopefully those who do don't take it for granted).....
and you also can't worry about when you are 34/35 etc... there are people who are 25 who have eggs aging faster then them and people who are 40 who have wonderful healthy babies with ease.... its out of your control (what happens in the future at your age now), so don't let that be a source of your current stress.
2 - If you feel you can't not work/have a job and be or get pregnant... maybe push back TTC until you feel more stable - 6months? Maybe once you get a new position, or have decided where you are moving, etc??. Try not to throw too many balls in the air to juggle, kwim...
3 - The school/work load. I'd take whatever positions come across and think about each one... don't worry if you hear the people aren't friendly (doesn't sound like they are at your school either), things will always evolve and change from your first day. Focus on what your responsiblities will be, who you will be reporting to, and if you just feel the 'fit'... things will fall into place.
4. If your BBF school friend is leaving, could you be up for her position??
Make a list of what you feel are priorities... buying a house, having a job, having a child, etc.... work your way down from there on the decision making front. HTH!
BFP#1 11.2.10 | EDD 7.9.11 | HB 7w2d & 8w4d | missed M/C 11w2d | D&E 12.21.10
FSH at 14.5 - 4.21.11 | CCCT - (CD3 8.8,CD10 12.2)| dx w/ DOR @ 28 yrs old
IUI#1 + clomid 8.29.11 (our anniversary)
BFP#2 9.10.11 | EDD 5.21.12 | beta 1 @ 14dpi:232 | beta 2 @17dpi:703 | beta 3 @24dpi:7,174
Baby A HB of 142(7w), 161(8w), 164(9w) | Baby B no HB, Vanishing Twin
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I really hope you can find some calm through all this chaos.
I know it may not sound the same coming from someone in the younger range, but my 2 cents is to not worry about the what-ifs. When we were trying to figure out family plans/moving/jobs, we eventually got so tired of waiting for things to line up perfectly that we just decided to jump in head first and hope for the best. Thankfully, life has handed us a pretty good hand right now, and it didn't totally bite us in the a$$. On the other hand, it may have gone very badly. I just try and always assume that things will work out just as they're supposed to.
I agree with auguri that you will have to figure out what is best for you long term, and not so much right now. (family vs. career)
It sounds like even if that other school is a lateral step, it may give you the stability you're looking for right now.
I really am keeping my fingers crossed and many good thoughts going out to you that things will fall into place soon.
DItto Erinn,
Also I'm in a similar situation with the whole job thing. It sounds like adding the certification might be good in the long run, but can you do it on your own terms if you don't take the position?
I also agree with Erinn.
I would have loved to started TTC at a younger age, but since I wasn't married that wasn't happen. I was 36 when I had the boys. It did take a few months but it happend. Don't worry about age.
As far as your career, I agree with MO can you get the certification on your own terms if you didn't take the position? If not, a lateral move is usually stability and once the new school realizes how great you are, there could potentially be bigger and better things for you there.
Good luck to you, big hugs!
We'll just not tell H about this little fact, m'kay?
Thanks for the feedback guys. I haven't been this stressed out in SO long, it's ridiculous.
I'm okay with things not lining up perfectly for kids. Seriously. No time is going to be perfect. And honestly, I can say that both Phil and I have lived our lives by jumping into things and just going for it, regardless of the consequences. (Hello Japan!)
It's worked for us... but neither of us feel comfortable bringing a child into that situation. I don't want a child to suffer the consequences of our choices, you know? That feels so reckless. If I stick it out and do the course, my job at my school becomes infinitely more secure. They wouldn't be able to surplus me because I'd be holding a position of responsibility... so there's the chance of security on the horizon.
This whole situation would be a lot easier if I believed that everything happens for a reason... but the thing is, I don't. And, you know, I married an atheist, so he definitely doesn't believe that there's anything guiding us. It would be a lot more comforting if either of us did.
It's funny, while we were reading Romeo and Juliet today in class, we got to this part where Romeo is feeling all mopey and has this sense of doom, and in spite of this, he says "may he who hath the steerage of my sails direct my course"... which is all very fatalistic, given how it turns out for him in the end. I couldn't help but feeling a bit pessimistic with that in mind today.
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