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Curious... Head of Household
I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine... Her husband coaches with Josh, and we've gotten pretty close through the years... We got to talking about churches, and beliefs... We disagreed, and agreed to do so, no hard feelings at all, but it makes me curious.
Her belief is that the family and the church and the country should be led by men. Men should make the decisions. She feels this is God's way. She does not agree with the Methodist Church (which happens to be my church, and the church that her husband was raised in) because we are more progressive (my word, not hers) when it comes to women, and allow women to be ministers, believing that God can and does use women to be leaders.
The non-religious aspect of this comes to this: If she and her husband had a disagreement when it came to something, they talk it over, and ultimately, do what he thinks is right.
I don't believe in "submitting to my husband's will."
How does the cookie crumble in your marriage? I was wondering if I'm the only one who takes on a leadership role. We work as a team, but a lot of times, Josh will ask me and take my opinion. I guess I just don't think that the man has to be in charge.
(It also bothers me that the man is ALWAYS listed on everything as "head of household" for accounts, even when you're equal partners!)
Re: Curious... Head of Household
In our house, we do a lot of communicating when it comes to big decisions, sleep on it if we have time, and do what's right for us as a couple. I do have to say that generally, I get my way. DH just isn't great at making decisions, so he's quick to say no, but then he never has an alternative to back himself up. There have been plenty of times, though, where he's talked some sense into me and has gotten his way.
I think the head of household nonsense is so annoying. Our dentist sends all of our bills to DH. I called and told them that no, I am my own patient and to please send me my own bills. Not to mention, it got really confusing trying to figure out why he had so many appointments and none of mine were coming through.
DH and I are a team, and we also discuss and go with the best decision for us. Sometimes it's his, sometimes it's mine. It depends on what it is about, and who has the most knowledge about it. KWIM?
It's funny because everything comes in my name. ha ha. All the insurance remains in my name. Now that I think about it the only things that his name are on are the minivan and my checking. Otherwise it's all me. I would be annoyed if it was assumed that DH was head of household and everything was geared towards him.
We generally work as a team, but I often take control/make decisions, it's just sort of who I am, I like to plan and organize stuff.
I think that we both sometimes have a hard time accepting each others ideas as the right one, but I'm trying very hard to be better at compromising and accepting when my ideas aren't so great.
I've asked Derek before if he didn't like the fact that I often take control and he just follows, and he said he's totally fine with it.
We'll just not tell H about this little fact, m'kay?
I don't get it! I went to Scottrade yesterday to deposit some stock certificates that I had that I hadn't deposited yet... All of the stock was originally in my name, every last bit of it belonged to me pre-marriage... I add him to the account, and it's automatically HIS account and I'm an authorized person. WTF? Does it really make a difference? No. Is it irritating as hell? Yes.
Twins again.. You just said it better, as per the usual.
Josh is also fine with it, and admits that I and better at taking charge and reasoning out decisions most of the time... But also doesn't have a problem telling me when I'm wrong.
Ditto katsblaze; we're a team. We discuss, weigh options and opinions, compromise, then come a final decision. It's never a case where what I say goes or vice versa; everything's carefully considered. If our opinions on how to proceed with things are totally different, we just work harder at working together. I love it because I feel it deepens how we communicate and understand each other.
Head of household stuff--it's all ridiculous, but for us it comes down to whose name is on what. I'm the go-to person for the car and some insurances; our health care comes through his work, so he gets the info (even though I'm the one who actually understands it).
This is us too. It's never just my decision or his decision, it's our decision. It takes a lot of communication and compromise, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
This is exactly us too. We also take a 50/50 approach. J's name the primary name on our bills for the same reason as abarber, he had more free time when we bought our house. It doesn't bother me at all that his name comes first on bills/accounts.
this exactly. sometimes I'm right, and sometimes Sean is right. we don't play the whole "who wears the pants" game, because we really believe that we are a two person team. all major decisions are made based on both of our opinions. there are times when he takes control of a situation, especially if he knows more about it, and vice versa.
if we argue and we can't come to a compromise, we will agree to disagree and move on... if I truly believe that I'm in the right in the situation, I would NEVER just go with his decision and call it a day. eff that.
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This. With big decisions, we take the time to discuss, and consider all options, and DH loves to make lists. For everything else though, I generally take charge. Like raynes said, it's the type of person I am.
This Exactly. Especially the bold part. Eric didn't marry me so I would give up my brain and opinions. This isn't the 17th century where what a my husband says is right all the time I wasn't married as chattel . Your friends view on life actually disturbs me a lot.
We are absolutely a team. We talk everything out and come to an agreement together before decisions are made. Some things have his name first, some things have my name first. I also belong to the sect of the Presbyterian Church that allows women pastors.
I know exactly what you're talking about people assuming though. We bought a car last weekend and the guy drew up all the papework with DH's name first and my name second. But the check we got from the bank had my name first and DH's name second because it will primarily be my car, so they had to redo all the paperwork.
Agreed. B and I discuss all major decisions, often ad nauseum, and make sure we are both comfortable with the outcome. We both actively monitor our finances, even though there are some bills in B's name, some in mine, and some in both of ours. When we bought our place, we weren't even engaged yet, and B had inheritance he was using for the down payment, so the house and all house related bills are in his name. We've thought about changing it now that we're married, but honestly, we have a great mortgage rate, and there really just isn't a need. Plus, we're now thinking about buying an investment property, and the fact that I'm not on the mortgage means I am more likely to be approved for a loan.
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It's funny that you brought this up, because we were doing our taxes last weekend online and the program asked us who was the head of the household.
We both looked at each other and laughed, and then we had a huge conversation about what would possibly make us be the head of a household. In the end, we let the program choose and it went for me because I make more money.
Truthfully, I might edge Phil out in terms of initiative, but we, like most people here, function as a team. Decisions do not get made by just one of us. We always talk it out. We both know what's happening with the finances each month, you know?
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In our house we make all decisions together. There is no head of household. I couldn't live in a relationship that I had no say in the final decision.
Why does your H get to make the financial decisions in your house? Is it because he's more fiscally responsible than you are? Because he earns more money? Or is it just because he's a man?
Not trying to be snarky, I've just never really understood the penis = responsibility and power mentality, so I'm genuinely curious.
I hope this doesn't come off as sounding rude, because I don't mean it too. I would like to read your posts and comment on them, but they are just so hard to read and understand. Can you please proofread your posts and try to use some punctuation and paragraphs? Again I'm only mentioning this, because I think you would get more participation in your posts if people could read them easier.
Honestly, me, too... and if I didn't know them as closely as I do, I would never think that they believed that. I actually think it's more her than it is him. It's kind of archaic, isn't it? She wouldn't even vote for someone if they didn't agree. Very strange. I've got way too much will power to be submissive. My cousin married us, and he is a Baptist minister at the time, and he was a bit miffed when I told him to take out the part of my vow to DH that I would "honor and obey." Honor, yes. Obey? Heck no. I think there was originally something in there about submitting, too. That didn't make the cut, either.
Interesting discussion! Thanks ladies!
my H gts to make some but not all of the finacial decisions in our house for two reasons.
1. because truthfully I did the whole bill paying thing when i lived on my own, and also for awhile i ran my parents household (they were on he road) and i honestly hated it.
2. he is 13 yrs older than me, has better handwritting, and has yet to forget to pay a bill.
but like I said most of the other big decisions are made after discussion between the two of us. he doesn't control all the finances in our house just the bill paying part of it. I take care of the part that he hates as well. I do the grocery shopping so my son has healthy meals. not macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it almost every night. We are a team he just get the title I get the final decision in most home related things. I hope that makes it easier to understand.
This would be us, too.