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My Confession/I need advice...
This may be a little bit of TMI also, just so I have warned you.
Last night DH and I were doing the deed and I was totally not into it at all. I know that he could see it written all over my face but I played it off as if nothing was wrong. I am to the point where I do not even really enjoy having sex with him. I am not sure if it is because I have not been able to get off during sex or because I don't like that he is kinda boring. It is always the same old thing and even when I tell him that we need to switch it up he listens for the next few sack sessions and then it is back to the same ol' stuff. I was really upset the other night and when he asked me what was wrong I told him that I was frustrated that I never get off and he replied, yes you do I just got you off, he doesn't understand that I want to get off with my husband, not with a toy and not during foreplay. I like using toys together and now when I use them alone I feel guilty that I have to do that since it isn't happening with him.
Today he has been asking me all of these random questions, like: what do you like about me, do I turn you on, do you think I'm sexy, do you think I'm fat, etc. I am answering him honestly but I don't know what is making him ask me all these questions.
I feel completely guilty and terrible that we have only been married 6 months and my mind is wandering, I love my husband, he is an amazing man but the sexual desire is just not there for me. I enjoy foreplay and then the main event is just blah.
HELP!!!
Re: My Confession/I need advice...
Couple things..
You do know why he's asking.. he's feeling insecure since you told him you aren't getting off and from what you said he could tell last night that you just weren't into it.
You know what they say is true, you have to have more sex, to have more sex. If you start doing it more he'll naturally get more comfortable/confident with you and you'll ease into new things. I think really focusing on just have more sex right now will help. Get the rough/awkward sex out of the way now so that it opens doors to the sex you really want, and that you both deserve.
You're wandering.. as in you are thinking of other dudes? Or just comparing this sex life to your previous sex life..?
I'm sorry things aren't ideal, but in my experience, like the rest of life, there are ups and downs in bed (both literally and in general, ha).
I agree w/Kearstin about Lance's questions and feeling insecure.
When you've trying new things, have they "worked" for you and not him?
Sometimes when DH is getting excited too quickly he'll want to use a toy for me and I agree with you, I'd rather have my husband help me out than some toy.
What about having longer foreplay and increasing the anticipation? Or adding a blindfold on the mix? Buying some karma sutra books and picking out new things to try together?
Ugh, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Like Kearstin pointed out, when you say wandering, are you comparing Lance to other partners you've had?
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A lot of times it becomes a mental game though, and I think that's probably what's going on here. You've had it in your head for alittle while now that your two drives don't quite match.. so that becomes the truth whether it was accurate or not, ya know?
It's like now you're going into the sex with the mindset of.. oh well I just don't get off with sex with you.. instead of allowing it to happen.
My only advice is to bring the love that you have for him into the sex for now and really get (as corny as it sounds) the love-making connection in there again.. and by default you will get off because of that.
I don't want to sound like a jerk because I'm absolutely not being fresh - but I feel like maybe you need to give him a little slack and enjoy the sex that he provides for now until you too have a groove together. Thinking about past sex is never going to fix anything.. and you're never, ever going to have that. Even if L steps his game up to the max - it still won't be that old sex life.
I have tried to talk to him about this before and he is the most emotional and sensitive guy on the planet. He gets extremely defensive and gets his feelings hurt (understandably so) and then I feel like a giant assshole for even mentioning it.
Could be the way you are approaching him and saying it? I obviously have no idea about the conversations you've had, but it'd be my guess. Guys are 110% defensive when it comes to sex.. however.. they are also 150% tickled pink when you compliment their sex.
I'd suggest that during it, you verbally really tell him what you're liking in that moment. Whether it's the movement he's making or maybe grab his biceps like you've never seen em before lol You get the idea.
After the fact conversations, I'd definitely brag on him and focus on the good parts - even if you have to stretch it a little, it will help him tremendously. If you want a little something different, start by saying how good it felt when he was doing this..... and then say something like mannn I can't imagine if you did this right after that! Trust me, he'll listen and remember.. and do it!
I don?t really have much to add that the girls haven?t already said; however, here?s a trick I used back in the day. TMI ALERT. When Jason and I first got together, I would never ?get mine.? So I started taking matters into my own hands, literally (ha!), and while we were having sex, I?d rub myself. Then right before I had an orgasm, I?d take my hand away and just let the thrusting do its job. After a few times of that, I think my body started associating the actual feeling/movement of sex with an orgasm, and now I can orgasm during actual sex without even needing any kind of foreplay. Might be worth a shot to try it.
I also agree with what Kearstin said about verbally complimenting him during sex. I say all kinds of stuff just to really give Jason that extra mid-sex ego boost he needs.
Also know that an amazing sex life shouldn?t make or break your relationship. When Jason and I first got together, we used to break up/get back together a lot, so during one of these breakups, I started banging with guy Randy. BEST SEX EVER. The guy was a total douchebag, but oh my god it was amazing. Sex with Jason has never been as good as it was with Randy; however, my life with Jason is 1000 times better than it would have been with that other guy. So although it?s fun to occasionally reminisce in my head, it was worth giving up. I think once you can let go of your past sex life, you might be happier with your current one.
This is what worked for me too... Maybe that will help?
I will have to give that a try. I have (preDH) always been able to climb on top and go in an instant and that doesn't happen now, or at least it doesn't happen very often.
I am going to try to compliment him more, I do tell him when something feels good but again, I think he isconcentrating so hard on not coming early that he doesn't "hear" what I am actually saying.