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I'm fed up with doing his ironing.
I think I'm going to go f*king crazy. I love my FI with all of my heart. He is the sweetest human being I've ever met. Kind, respectful, and loving. But today he is grating on my nerves like no other...about ironing.
He recently started a job at a bank where he has to have freshly ironed clothes every day. I like taking care of him so at first I didn't mind taking on the responsibility that much. But I didn't really know how to iron well at the time so I had to be taught. (My mom tried to teach me when I was younger but I didn't feel it was important so that's why I didn't know.) But I'm sick of it. It takes me so long to iron and generally it makes me want to throw the iron out the window.
Things were ok until last night when I got frustrated that a shirt wouldn't iron (and before you say just throw it in the dryer and pull it right out when dry--these shirts fit perfect, I can't dry them in the dryer. Even when I take them right out of the wash machine they are a wrinkled WAD when I go to iron. I've done everything). I stomped out of the room and tried again. This morning he said "did you ask my mom if my shirt looks acceptable?" (We live with his parents for now because they asked us to and we are saving up money for the wedding. She's an ironing expert and has been doing them for years so he wanted me to get her opinion). I told him no because I thought it was unneeded. The shirt looked fine and I didn't understand why he was bitching.
I'm just so frustrated. I decided that we would talk this evening about me teaching him how to iron. They aren't my clothes. I do everything else for him because I love him (It's not that we aren't afraid to switch up gender roles I'm just the one who likes doing things for him as a generous soon-to-be-wife) but this is just over the line for me. I can't iron his clothes for him every day. And what is he going to do when we are married and he has to iron something himself because I can't or aren't there? He said "No, you aren't teaching me. It's your job." And when I demanded to know why he stormed off and isn't talked to me. I wasn't fighting. I was having an adult conversation. He's not a sexist pig and I don't really want to believe he's thinking it's my "role" but that he just doesn't care to learn.
But I do so effing much for him it's unbelievable. I'm in school right now (taking three classes) working 30-40 hours a week, and helping to plan our wedding. Lately I'm extremely stressed because of school and I'll be taking the classes up until August. I've had the worst day in a long long time and I'm sick of this bull. He's generally so understanding and I don't understand why he's being such a pain. Gah!
Re: I'm fed up with doing his ironing.
whoa
1. Please go to premarital counseling.
2. He said "No, you aren't teaching me. It's your job." vs He's not a sexist pig.
These two things cannot live together.
3. He believes it's your job because his mom always did it for him and now you're doing it for him. He can iron them himself or take some cash out of his fun money to have them pressed once a week.
4. If he's refusing to have adult conversations with you regarding your future roles and the division of chores RUN, don't walk, RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!
1) He can iron his own d*mn shirts if it's that important. If you stop he'll do it because he HAS to.
2) ditto the poster on counseling. You both sound pretty young and immature to be honest. Ironing is the least of hills to die on when you get married.
3) Hang dry them straight out of the washer. They'll be fine. I promise. No matter what you just said. Or get some No-iron/non wrinkle dress shirts.
1. Please go to premarital counseling.
I don't think that's necessary because we've been together for a long time and honestly, this has been the first time in a very very long time we've had a fight and I have to say this is the stupidest one so far. I don't think this is that big of an issue to go to counseling (we've been through much much worse), I was just at my max yesterday due to it being the worst day I've had in a very very long time.
4. If he's refusing to have adult conversations with you regarding your future roles and the division of chores RUN, don't walk, RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!
We have adult conversations all the time about things (school, moving, etc.) We've been through a lot with me moving out of my parents unexpectedly a few years ago due to some problems I was having with them but now it's all worked out. When we had our own apartment things were fine regarding chores, this has been the only problem.
This morning he said "did you ask my mom if my shirt looks acceptable?" (We live with his parents for now because they asked us to and we are saving up money for the wedding. She's an ironing expert and has been doing them for years so he wanted me to get her opinion).
1.) Him asking you that in the first place is UNacceptable.
2.) If his mom is the ironing expert, let her do it.
I know how that goes....We also lived with my husband's parents while engaged and 1 year after getting married to save money. It was torture at times but we somehow made it out of there ok. And while his mom was a perfect housekeeper/laundry expert, he understood I wasn't like her and didn't try to mold me into the perfect housewife. If you have these little problems now I hate to tell you marriage only multiplies the issues, hence the reason counseling could be a big help. You probably don't want to spend the rest of your life with him comparing you to his mother (even if ironing is the only thing he's comparing right now).
We've been married over 4 years and I still make my husband do his own laundry. Once in awhile I'll offer to do a couple of loads for him, but for the most part he's a big boy and knows how to operate the washing machine. I also help him with yardwork or other "manly" chores. If you're both working full time there shouldn't be any reason you're expected to do more.
there are some shirts for my DH that I don't mind ironing and some that have to go to the cleaners. I just had to tell him I can't iron these,
My mother ironed my brothers shirts until they moved. Then he used the dry cleaners. Maybe his mother would like to continue. I would not be offended. I'm just not going to iron those shirts.
In our house, you basically take care of your own things. wash your own car, wash your own clothes, we do cook and eat and clean the kitchen together, share the yard work. and I'll iron if its easy so save him some money, but the ones I don't like to iron, he takes to the cleaners and pays out of his money, not household. I have taught him what to look for in labels if he wants me to iron
No, he is not.
Send them to be laundered. He can pay for it.
Call off the wedding now. He is an a$$hole.
74 books read in 2011
For the record, if MH ever told me something was my "job", neighbors would be calling the cops. I am so angry for you.
Will diaper-changing be solely your job, too? What about cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping? All your job, too -- and he just sits and observes?
74 books read in 2011
Calling off the wedding because he wants me to iron his shirts I don't want to is not mature at all. It's just a stupid fight, not the end of a perfectly healthy relationship.
I hate to break it to you - this is not perfectly healthy behavior. Do what you want, but I'll be looking for you on the FM and Relationships boards.
ETA: I stand by my statements
http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_illinois-chicago_vent
http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_jealousy-1
And I'm not the only one who thinks so: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sweetrose
74 books read in 2011
My favorite "I left my family for him. I work two jobs for us. (he works one) He cleans when he can but I do detailed cleaning"
So - you work two jobs, he works one. He sits on his lazy ass making you do all deep cleaning while he does "what he can" and makes you iron his clothes.
Yep - sounds like a winner. Wish I found a prince like that. Life would be magic and rainbows.
74 books read in 2011
My husband irons his own shirts. It's not my job.
What does he contribute to the household?
How much is your time worth?
I take my FI's shirts to the dry cleaners. It costs a $1 a shirt and they come back beautifully done.
This is a prime situation where you guys can calmly and rationally discuss expectations, best use of time and value of each spouse.
Premarital counseling STAT!
67/200
I read the other links so I am not going to waste my time even telling you what you SHOULD do. Do what you want. Your man is awesome and totally sweet. From what you have said he'd never hurt you or be mean, well except for the stuff he has done to you according to your other 3 posts.
1. A good guy would do his own ironing w/o complaining. My H does. Heck he even irons my clothes.
2. A good guy doesn't get uber jealous and then demand you tell him when other guys are looking at you or when you think of other guys. He's keeping tabs on you honey.
3. A good guy would actually compromise with you about wedding stuff and WTF does a wedding dress have to do w/wedding colors?
4. You are totally submissive and he knows that. Good luck with your marriage. If he dooesn't abuse you he will at least take advantage of you and run all over you. Stop acting like a doormat. Stand up for yourself. If he leaves, than he wasn't worth being called your husband.
5. Fuckhim he can iron his own shirts.
I am cracking up the idea that you somehow declare your FI to be the sweet, kind, respectful and loving, given this post and your other ones. The only way I can wrap my head around you even thinking that is that you are comparing him to some even crappier boys you have dated.
He's being a pain because he's a disrespectful and selfish a$$hole. He is manipulative, jealous and controlling, and sexist. If you seriously do not see that in his statement that it is "your job", sheesh.
You don't do "everything for him" because you love him, you do it because you are a doormat trying to seek his approval. You are not "taking care" of him, you are "caretaking". There is a big difference. Healthy adult relationships require mutual effort, partnership and mutual respect, love and so forth. You can claim you have that until you are blue in the face, but reading how he acts toward you in this post and in others is the real truth - it is in his actions, not your words.
A man who refuses to have adult conversations with you about anything - chores or otherwise - is not a good partner, whatever you say about him.
Things are not going to improve just because you throw a pretty princess day into it.
This isn't about a shirt, it's about his total lack of respect for you. From your own words, he is a misogynist who expects the women in his life (mother, you) to take care of him.
You're young and you probably will marry this guy in spite of anything anyone says, but I hope you eventually realize that he's a jerk and your relationship is unhealthy.
Ok, avoiding the relationship issues and sticking to the "cleaning" issue...
1) Don't do his ironing. Don't leave him in a lurch or anything, but tell him the night before that you will not be doing his ironing. If you feel you need to give a reason for not doing his ironing, then tell him a) it is, in fact, not your job; b) there's no reason an abled body person can not do their own ironing; and c) you hate to hobble his personal growth and skills by not letting him do this and know that he is capable of taking care of his own basic needs.
2) Offer to give him pointers if needed. Leave his mom out of it.
3) If he gets his mom to do it - great. That's between them.
4) If, after you move out of his mom's house, he still wants you to do his ironing, see item 1.
With all due respect to some of the more mature younger brides/wives on these boards, you are a 22 year old young woman who is kidding herself into believe that she is about to begin a happy chapter in her life. You're thrilled to be engaged because it is socially validating. You're enjoying wedding planning because it feels like you're creating SOMETHING and you're able to declare to the world that someone has picked you as his favorite. And you're playing house, living in someone else's house, and have no idea what life is going to be like.
Believing that pre-marital counseling has no value just shows how much you have no idea what you're in for, regardless of whether or not you admit that your current relationship has any problems.
Mark my words: your future in this marriage will make you recall the days where your only complaints were that he believed it was your job to do his ironing and he was emotionally manipulative and made you tell him when you found other people attractive, only to support his neglected ego in the process and have you more realigned to the vision that only he can be the one for you.
You'll be strapped down with kids soon enough (after all, if he's looking for the life his mom provided his dad, it sounds like doting mothering is soon to be in your future). You'll be complaining that he doesn't help out with the kids or the house, you're exhausted and feeling neglected and taken advantage of, and you'll be posting here about why you're pissed that he's taking a weekend away with the boys, that he feels he "deserves" for how hard he works, and you're left behind by yourself with the kids, feeling marginalized. He'll be scrutinizing every penny you spend, and everything will be an argument, especially for the first few years after spending money on your wedding for things you'll soon learn weren't worth it. And, before long , you'll be debating how the heck you get yourself out of this life, with babies on hips and no money in your bank account, and a self-esteem he's managed to manipulate into whatever he wants it to be.
Don't do pre-marital counseling because you think it means you're admitting you have problems. Do pre-marital counseling because you DESERVE to have serious conversations, facilitated by experts who know where problems generally lie, so that you can air out perspectives, assumptions, and expectations BEFORE they get to become crises, and you can find out for yourself what kind of tools you have as a couple to get through the tough times. Consider pre-marital counseling an investment in your future, not being judged for the present.
Good luck to you.
My husband and I went to premarital counseling before getting married, not because we had any issues, but to make sure we had a strong back ground on what to do when we DO have issues (which you will). I loved it. It was all about budgeting, communication, division of chores, expectations, getting everything out before the wedding means once married, there is less to figure out.
haha THIS.
Henri and Charlotte, Christmas 2012
Or he can marry his mom, if you ask me. If my spouse told me it was "my job" to iron his shirts I'd shove the iron up his shute. Yeah, he's no sexist.
I stopped reading after you talked about ironing his shirts...didn't even bother to read comments posted below either. Stop this now or you will eternally be his slave. I do not/have not ironed DH's shirts....he is a big boy and can do it himself daily. I do stay at home and do all of the child rearing (well more than my share on this one but not 100%), couponing, shopping, cooking, money managing, diaper changing, cleaning, laundry, social calendar, etc.....DH can iron his own F*ing clothes. I think I do too much anyway but I am the one that has the time since I am the one at home a good bit of the day. If I worked, I'd still be responsible for 95% of this stuff just b/c of the nature of being a mom and my personality. If I did work, I'd be making him iron my clothes daily...he he.
I think he should be ironing his own shirts. Especially if you are done doing them and he is being picky about it.
Also, if he fluffs the shirts on an air only cycle, and he hangs them up on a hanger nicely, they will probably be pretty good, and only need a little ironing. Have his mom teach him how to iron his own shirts.
Treating your spouse like a child and doing everything for them DOES NOT equal love. You are setting yourself for a world of issues.
1. Living with your parents/his parents because they "asked us to". Come on. You are living with them to lesson your responsabilities as a grown-up. Get real.
2. Ironing sucks. Take them to the dry cleaner. They will press them for a reduced cost.
dup
He said "No, you aren't teaching me. It's your job." And when I demanded to know why he stormed off and isn't talked to me. I wasn't fighting. I was having an adult conversation. He's not a sexist pig and I don't really want to believe he's thinking it's my "role" but that he just doesn't care to learn.
This is not behavior of a perfectly healthy relationship. But go on. Marry the guy, and we'll give you advice in a couple years at the starting over board.
Stop ironing them. Either he does them or he pays to get them laundered.