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MIL wont leave us alone about having kids
My husband and I will be celebrating our first wedding anniversary next month. We are in no rush to have children because just bought a house, and puppy and I am getting settled in to a new job. We have told my MIL numerous times that we aren't having children for a couple of years yet she still insists on "dropping hints" every time we see her. Even the night of our wedding rehearsal she made a comment about us having kids ASAP. The more she makes comments, the more it makes me not want to have kids. Other people have even told her to leave us alone and let us just enjoy being married but she just doesn't seem to get it.
To make matters worse, I know as soon as we do have kids she is going to be obsessive and will never leave us alone. When my husband was a baby my MIL never let ANYONE hold him and was very overprotective. I know I am going to have to go back to work after we have kids but do not want my MIL to babysit...I'm just not sure how to tell her that.
Any advice on how to get her to leave us alone about having kids?? Although I say no we aren't having a kid right now, or we are waiting a few years she still asks all the time. It drives me crazy!
Re: MIL wont leave us alone about having kids
I wouldn't really "entertain" her comments. Dont' "explain" to her. She makes a comment? Laugh, or take it a little further and say "Well, MIL, every time you mention it, we add on another month to the time we even start to think about kids...".
However, I think your DH needs to step up here and tell his mom "stop w/ the comments. we'll have kids when we're ready. Let it rest.".
As far as babysitting... that's kind of a "cross that bridge when you come to it" issue. Wait until your PG. But the MOMENT she mentions it, both you and your DH need to be ready w/ your response. Whatever it is - be ready to let her know that she probably won't be your DC option.
But honestly, where does your DH stand on this?
~Benjamin Franklin
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Don't' explain or tell her your reasons for waiting or whatever. Say, politely and firmly, 'we'll let you know when we have anything to announce. Please drop the subject".
And WALK OFF if she asks again. Leave, if she asks one more time.
I agree. You shouldn't say anything more than "We will tell you when we decide to announce it. Please drop it." And ignore every other "babies/pg" comment.
Your H should be the one to sit her down and tell her that babies comments are not ok, and she should stop. Also, this might be the time for your H to start to build boundaries with your MIL. Not just in her grand baby talk but in general, since it sounds like she is so over protective.
What is your H's take on this? Is he just as fed up with her constant questions about you two having children as you are?
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When the topic comes up, or a hint is made, reply with, "As you know, we're not pregnant right now. When we are pregnant, and ready to make an announcement, you'll be amongst the first to know." If it comes up again (in the same meeting) leave. Have your H follow up with a phone call explaining that the two of you are not going to entertain any more conversation about when there will be children. He needs to tell her to never bring it up again, and that every time she does you two are going to handle it the same way - by leaving.
The two of you (TOGETHER) need to make it very clear that this topic is done, closed, and over. The only way she is going to get the message is if you reinforce it very carefully.
And, like ECB said, handle everything baby related when there is actually a baby here. There's no sense in worrying about that right now. Good luck to you.
My husband is as fed up as I am and has spoke with his mom about the issue several times. She just won't give it up. I guess we will both have to be more persistant in letting her know she needs to stop asking/bugging us about it because she will know when it happens.
Thanks!
Agreed. If someone refuses to listen to you and respect your wishes, then it's obvious their behavior isn't going to change. So, all you can change is what YOU do. Next time she says something, tell her, "We've continually asked you to stop bringing up children with us. From now on, anytime you do that, we're going to leave." But the key thing here is that you HAVE to really follow through. Don't just keep threatening. The minute it comes out of her mouth, you're gone. After walking away and really leaving a few times, I bet she'll stop.
If you are really aggravated use the above quote.
Your MIL needs to give you two a break! You haven't even been married that long! Plus a new house, new puppy, and new job? You are smart to wait. My husband and I will be married for 6 years when our baby is born. We had a blast just the two of us, and now we're ready for the new addition!
You DH needs to handle this and he needs to handle it now. I have a crazy MIL and it has definately gotten worse since I had my son. I don't talk to her anymore and she is not really invited to our house more than a few times a year. She is a complete control freak and tries to run my household and raise my son they way she wants. If you don't handle it now you will end up like me. It is a huge source of stress in our marriage at times.
Bottom line is you husband needs to tell your mom that the two of you are living your life the way YOU want and it bothers HIM when she suggests things all the time. When she got married I am sure she lived her life the way she wanted. Now it is time for her to allow him to do the same. While he understands she is excited of the thought of grandkids, it will happen when it is right for them and raising them will be the parents job. He also should let her know that her behavior will only push the two of you away from her. SHe needs to realize that he no longer is his "little boy" where he will do what she wants. He is an adult now and the the relationship they have now needs to be based on mutual respect meaning she has to respect his decisions as he is a capable adult and can make his own decisions. If she does not like the decisions, it's too bad. He's an adult now - not a 10 year old.
She needs to be reeled in....trust me!
You could do what my husband did when my mother kept doing the same thing to us. When she asked for the millionth time over Easter dinner, he proudly announced that she'd be among the first to know when we decided to have unprotected sex on the regular! She got all red and stammered "That's not what I was asking," but she never asked again once we pointed out that that's exactly what she was asking.
If you don't want to be quite as blunt as him, you can just smile slyly and ask her when she's having sex. Or, ya know, you could take one of the pp's advice and leave if she keeps asking.
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This is not a MIL problem.
This is a DH problem.
You need to give this issue over to DH. It's HIS mother. HE needs to put on some big boy pants and deal with this in a way that WORKS. I read your F/U post where you said he too is frustrated and he HAS talked to his mother, but the point is that this issue is NOT dealt with appropriately yet, and HE will have to do that.
Haha! I totally plan on using this on my MIL.. it may be the only way she gets the hint.
Personally, I like to say, "My ute, My decision." Even to my mother.
I was getting it at work and from ILs. Finally one day at work I just said to a coworker:
'When I start having unprotected sex you'll be the 1st to know'.
It was crude but it worked. I tried the nice route for a while and was done at that point.
You've gotten some great advice from PP and I hope your DH can once and for all shut her up. You can also tell her every time she brings it up it adds 1 more year to when you will even start trying.
I'd also make sure your DH is on the same page on how much time he thinks his mother is going to have with your child. If he can't handle her asking about your sex life and reproduction plans then he isn't going to be too strong in the boundary department later.
I told my in laws when my husband and I first got engaged that we were not having kids and you would have thought I told them I was going to kill them. They got all mad and told me that was not acceptable and everything. We stood firm about it, my husband told them that was what I had wanted sence before he met me and that was what he wanted as well. They were so funny about it for awhile, but they finally said well we will give you two a few years to change your mind. Now my SIL is getting married and has annouced that she is going to have children in 5 years and has let everyone in on the choosing of the names etc. All the heat is off of us. Be firm with your MIL but also know that soon another subject will come up and this will all be gone.
My FIL asked us constantly, too (we've been married five years). Drove me crazy (last Easter he asked and I told him I wasn't, for the five hundreth time, not realizing that I actually was! LOL). Hate to tell you, but there really isn't much you can do, short of walking away. She's going to keep asking unless you leave the room (I do like the idea of blatantly telling her about having unprotected sex with her son though...that might shut her up).
And unfortunately, if she's like my IL's, she'll ask you when you're having the next one while you're laying in the hospital bed after having the first one. Imagine the dismay on their faces when I told them, after a long, long labor and emergency section, that I was never doing that again.
Welcome to the club. My MIL and GMIL are the same way. GMIL was asking about us having kids before we were even married because SIL's son "needs a playmate." Spare me... we live half way across the country from them! And I feel you on not wanting to have kids because they push to much. I am the same way. Every time a comment comes up I make a comment to DH about adding a few more months before trying. I feel like as soon as we decide to have kids everyone is going to think it was because of the pressure they put on us.
I just try to continually tell them that we aren't ready yet and we have other things to look forward to before we have kids. We planned a huge trip to South America this summer and that quieted things down!
And I am totally using this! Hahaha