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I need advice, please help super long I'm sorry
I love my husband, but sometimes he does stupid stuff.
And sometimes he forgets he's an adult. And sometimes he forgets to control his temper. So this situation is a little ugly, bear with me and please leave me some advice. TIA.
So my H and I were raised very differently in a lot of ways. And one thing he has always wanted is to own firearms. He's in the military, raised in the south, whatever. I get it. My parents never ever have had/or wanted weapons. My uncle owns them and he took me to a shooting range once when I was little and let me fire one and that's about it.
Well H won't be getting a weapon until we move to VA later in the year. Fine. I've agreed he can get one if he really really seems to want/need one. Whatever. It will be well hidden, etc. I'd prefer our kids don't know we have guns, let alone where the safe is. We'll deal with that later.
Anyways, my mom knows this. And somehow at dinner the other night it gets brought up and she starts telling H a story about how her dad kept a gun under his pillow, and my mom's friend wanted to commit suicide so the friend stole my grandfather's gun and tried to kill herself.
Well she told this to H in a way that was like, you shouldn't have guns because this will happen to you.
H responded (in a very rude tone) about how it was irresponsible for both parties, and something else. I sort of said, well H would never leave a gun out for our children or friend's children to find, his weapons will be in a gun safe, period....because I was trying to end the convo.
So H goes into the backroom to get away for a minute. When I go back there he rants to me for a second, I'm pretty sure she heard.
He also changed his status on facebook....the post is now deleted but it said something along the lines of "I'm sick of this sh!t. People need to STFU. Just because this happened to you doesn't mean you need to share your f*cking expereince with me to try and talk me out of doing something. It's not going to work. This is what's wrong with our country. Go frak yourself."
Well guess who saw it? My mom. And she knew it was about her because it was several minutes after their little spat, and she probably heard what he said to me out loud and it was along the same lines.
This was all Saturday night. I tried to talk to her a bit but she basically ignored me. Same thing Sunday. She barely talked to me, H, or my dad. We went to this thing we had to go to and when we got back she left to go shopping by herself, which she never ever does.
So my dad couldn't figure out WTF happened. I figured she heard what H said to me.
This morning I found out she read his facebook and saw it.
She was pissed. Who wouldn't be. I'm sorry, you probably shouldn't say your MIL needs to go f*ck herself....
H was rude, and that's pretty disrespectful IMO. His mom has said things to make me mad before and I've never and will never say anything like that to her, or anyone else for that matter.
So she said that basically she's done with him, and he's lucky he's still allowed in this house. And clearly he has anger issues and wants guns in the house. Good luck with that.
Super. So now what? We're stuck here for a few more months and this is super awkward. H screwed up and IDK that a simple apology will fix it.
I'll bake you a gold star cookie cake if you read all that lol.
Re: I need advice, please help super long I'm sorry
I can see your DH point of view that maybe she shouldn't have told him what to do, however, I agree that he WAY over-reacted. If I was your mom I would also be really hurt.
Have you talked to DH about the whole thing? Maybe you could suggest that he apologize to your mom. Does your mom try to tell him what to do frequently, or was this more of a hot button issue for her?
Either way you are kind of caught in the middle. I would be careful what you say to DH cause you don't want it to seem like you're siding with your mom over him, but I definitely agree that he disrespected her.
I agree, my mom was wrong. She shouldn't have jumped all over him. And I told H that. But regardless, he can be annoyed but what he did was a little much. I told him it was rude, uncalled for and he screwed up and he needs to fix it.
My mom sometimes thinks she is being helpful by giving her opinion but it's not always useful, necessary, or helpful. But she's trying to help. She sometimes says some stuff she shouldn't.
But she's not going around say oh, well I think you should do this, this and this because I did this and blah blah blah.
But she knows how I feel about guns. I think she was trying to help me. But it didn't help clearly.
But this isn't the first time H has done sometime facebook related that caused trouble. He changes his status to reflect how he's feeling and one time either he and my friend had words or me and my friend got into a little fight, and he was mad about it, changed his status and as soon as she saw it she knew it was about her, and he called a b!tch or something stupid....so here we go again.
My parents never owned/wanted guns either, but DH's family did. His grandpa was the sheriff and DH and his dad used to hunt together a lot. So I kind of understand where you're coming from there.
I can see why your H was upset, but he was definitely rude. If he hasn't already, I think he should try to apologize to your mom. You are right- what he said was disrespectful. And it would be hard for your mom not to hear that if she was in a room close-by where she could hear the conversation. Have you been able to talk with your H about this since that night? Maybe he doesn't realize your mom heard him yell and saw his fb status.
Are you living with your parents? Is there anyway you could move out for a few months? Maybe if you had your own space, things could calm down. It seems like there is a lot of tension
Ok, first BREATHE.
Second, bake my cookie cake
As another Military wife, I understand the whole "hubby wants a gun" ordeal. When Derek and I first started dating, he already owned one gun. At first I was bothered by the idea of being with a man who insisted on having weapons, but over the years I myself have become so comfortable with the idea that I have had Derek teach me how to safely fire one. My thoughts are that if he's going to own one, I want to know how to safely handle one. Over the years Derek has collected a few, and plans to continue. And I'm ok with that. All of his weapons remain in their cases with key locks on them, and those cases are in a fireproof, impossible to break into safe. And furthermore, not even our closest friends would know where to find the safe.
Now, when it comes to your hubby, I will say that his reaction was a bit overdone, and childish. It's fine for him to be heated, but to post something like that on a public forum is inappropriate, and your mom has every right to be upset about that. What she shouldn't be upset about is your husband's feelings about the things she said. If you're going to tell someone your opinion, you should be prepared for them to have feelings about it...and they might not always be nice ones. I think that they both need some time to cool off about it, and that maybe you should suggest them sitting down to talk. I think it would be appropriate for your husband to apologize for the way he reacted and if his reaction upset her. He DOES NOT need to apologize for how he feels though. And maybe him apologizing to your mom will push her to say she's sorry if the things she said and the way she said them insulted him. In my opinion there isn't really an innocent party...both were in the wrong in one way or another and the only way to get past it is to apologize and move on.
Sorry that this was a long one! Maybe I should bake you a cookie cake
I hope this helps you. I hate that you're feeling in the middle of this stuff, and don't want you to stress too much over it! Eventually, they both have to get over it and move forward!
ah break from work.
anywho, it seems there are 2 parties here that are at fault. you mom and you husband. your mom should not have put her nose in where it didnt belong, even if she was trying to help. however, it seems like her "helping" was more nit-picking than anything. of course im looking from the outside of your story. your husband should not have reacted the way he did either.
your husband i want to say 1 good and 1 bad thing about.
good=he knows exactly what it is to be a responsible gun owner, and i too would have been annoyed by your mom's naive commnets about them. i'm a gun owner myself and if you are responsible and keep it locked up, nobodys going to shoot themselves with it. also, educating your children about the fact that you own guns and what the reality of them is, makes it WAY less likely that they will shoot themselves or someone else with it mistakenly or even on purpose if for some reason it is not locked up (which i hope it would be!)
bad=although he knows his gun laws, i wonder if he is a mature enough of an adult to own one. having someone with a serious temper problem who cannot control their actions or posts on facebook (hello 13 year olds?) does not seem like someone that i want to own a firearm. what if he were to escalate from the yelling and angry words to using the fact that he owns a gun as a bargaining point for winning a dispute the next time? or, god forbid, actually USES the gun on someone. That makes me scared.
I honestly think that you, your husband AND your mom need to go see a family counselor. Yes, men dont like that crap, but tell him he's got no choice because you cannot be stuck in the middle of their arguments all the time, because you dont want to side with your mom or your husband when NEITHER of them are right.
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Sorry this reply is on the shorter side, but I agree with many of the previous posters. It seems to me that both your DH and your mother are at fault and acting a little childish. It seems like they both have different opinions and just need to agree to disagree. My mom likes to say that opinions are like (pardon the language) @$$holes...everyone has one and they all stink. :-)
If I were you I would ask DH to watch what he puts on fb from now on, or put family on limited profile or something.
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This.
I guess I'm of the minority. I don't think that just because Wes posted his frustrations on FB that it makes him any more likely to use a gun irresponsibly. You knew Wes and his desire to own a gun before you married him, so hopefully it was a conversation you had a long time ago.
Should Wes apologize, yes. Not for his feelings, but for the manner he expressed it. But to the outsider "reader" of his comments, no one would know he was referring to your mom if they didn't know the whole story. I also think your mom needs to apologize for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. Will they ever agree on this issue? Probably not. That's why I think his profile should not be readable by your mom.
Thanks ladies.
I totally agree with what you all said.
Both are wrong. My mom didn't need to say anything in the first place. It is not up to her if we have guns in our home or not.
H is wrong for how he acted, he did act like a child. No, no one would know the post was about her but she did and that's really all that matters honestly. She knew it and it really hurt her.
On the living situation, trust me, we don't want to be here. It was suppose to be way temporary (we thought he would've gotten orders for training by now). We only have about 4.5 months left here so we were going to tough it out. I spent all day looking for places....but no apartments allow bunnies. So that's a problem. We're thinking about still getting into one of those, and sneaking Trigger in later....but if they catch us, I'm not sure what they'll do.
Or if it goes on like a renters record or something and we'll have trouble getting an apartment when we do final move cross country.
H and I had a long talk today, I am actually going to work now but he worked earlier so I had lunch with him on his lunch break and he said basically the same thing, he has his own opinion and he's not sorry for it, just how he expressed it and he feels my mom owes him an apology too but he doesn't think he'll get it. He said he was going to go pick up a card and write in it to say sorry because he's still pissed too and isn't sure if he can keep his cool.
And lastly....yes my husband can be immature and childish sometimes. Do I want him owning a gun? No. But he and I have some compromises about that, like gun safes, etc. that make me feel slightly better about it. But it's not like I can say, no. Absolutely not. You have a slight temper and you can't own a gun because you're immature. That doesn't get me anywhere. He will be teaching me how to use them as well. I know he can be responsible with a weapon because that is part of his training.
Thanks guys.
Have you called these places? A lot of times if they'll allow cats and dogs, they'll allow other pets of a similar size. Our apartment complex specifically allows cats and dogs on their advertising, but they're happy to make reasonable exceptions. You ought to speak with property managers for places you like. It never hurts to ask!
And if you were to move in and get caught with the bunny, they may withhold your deposit for cleaning purposes after you move out, and charge you a monthly fee for having the pet. They probably won't kick you out right away, and generally this won't go in any kind of file they share with other apartment complexes. We've had 2 noise complaints (granted, they were unwarrented and the office knew it) and I was concerned about the same, but our property manager explained that unless you straight up get evicted, they don't put that stuff anywhere publicly to prevent you from renting elsewhere
I'm glad that you talked to Wes about his behavior and he is going to apologize to your mom. I hope your mom apologizes to him for pushing her opinions on him as well.
But, as for the above - I think you absolutely have a right to say no. And he should respect the fact that you aren't comfortable with him owning a gun. I don't think he should be getting one unless you are ok with it - and like really ok with it. Not an "ok, because I don't want to fight about it, you can have one" kind of ok either. If he's so adamant that he wants one, I think the responsibility is on him to do what he needs to do to show you that it's safe, etc. and then once you become comfortable with the idea, he can get one.