September 2008 Weddings
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Do you find this odd?
I'm not posting this for it to turn into everyone go snark on this lady but do you find this weird?
What would your IL's done if you hadn't/didn't tell them their grandchild had been born for 3 days!?
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Re: Do you find this odd?
If we had done this the ramifications to our relationship with my IL's would have been huge.
I don't know if they would ever truly get over it (same would go for my parents)
*shrug*
If the grandparents won't respect the parents' wishes to stay away for a couple of days, then I think it is one of their only options. But, in that situation I'd probably tell them the kid was born and then just not answer the door when they show up. I'm in the camp of just not getting why anybody would want their whole family there for the birth and immediately after, though.
FWIW, I don't think I want to have any visitors for 24 hours if and when we have kids and don't plan on calling/texting everyone when it's time to deliver. I also have a family that will totally respect that, though.
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I can see both views but the grandparents need to respect the parent wishes.
For us, I doubt I would be able to keep my family away for 3 days let alone 3 mintues from our child.
As of DH's family, he would be fine letting his parents know a week later (I am being somewhat serious).
For me, I would prefer to have us bond as a family for at least the first day and then allow for visitors but we will see.
I do find it a bit weird. However, it is common with my family and friends that people will start visiting right away at the hospital once the calls are out to let everyone know that the baby has been born.
If I felt the same way she did and was concerned about people not respecting their wishes for some bonding time, then I would ask the staff at the birthing center or hospital to turn away visitors that way I could still call and let everyone know that the baby was born but still have that alone time.
That wouldn't fly in my family but I think if I requested privacy, it might be respected. It sounds like that wasn't the case there but I find it hard to keep that from family for 3 days.
A doctor at my hospital (knocked up a nurse) and didn't share the news until after the baby turned 1. I cannot imagine that and the impacts/ ramifications to that relationship would be huge.
I guess I figure the DH just needs to put his foot down and say, we'll let you know when we are taking visitors.
FWIW we didn't call/text everyone when it was time to deliver (well besides you guys), we had my best friend who dropped food off that stopped by the first night so we could eat without cooking.
Then my mom came the next day (her flight was already planned it just happened to be the day after I gave birth) my IL's came down a few days later.
I don't have any IL, but had my MIL still been alive she would have been extremely hurt if we had waited that long to tell her. However, in reading the OP, it sounds like the only way they can ensure the MIL obey their wishes is to wait to tell her. Sounds like a crappy situation.
It sounds like her only option at this point, especially if the ILs are already showing up unannounced. Plus, I agree about her reasons about getting to know each other, BFing, etc. Maybe that's just be, because I don't have kids yet?
There was a response about just "not answering the door if they show up" but that seems beyond ridiculous.
It would have been bad on both my side and DH's.
Everyone was at the hospital when B was born and if they weren't they would have been terribly hurt.
... though my ILs did leave the day we got home from the hospital and were gone for a week. Seriously made me think they didn't care too much if they saw B.
My family came over for a couple hours after she was born (a few days after we were home) but only because we invited them as they didn't want to intrude because they knew we wanted time alone with her and to do things our way.
I can understand her feelings but I think she is taking it a bit too far.
ETA: I know my situation was a bit different being that I had a scheduled C. But If they were stopping in to meet their grandchild I don't see what the big deal is... if they were coming to stay then it would be another story.
I just don't get why they just don't put their feet down.
I get the bonding thing but I was BEYOND grateful to have my mom there to help, so I could nap a little longer, get rest etc.
I get that they need alone time, it just seems like 3 days is over the top and to not even tell them the kid has been born seems like a terrible way to fix an already bad situation
I agree that 3 days does seem a bit long. And know I couldn't keep MIL from breaking down the door.
It really just sounds like the husband has an issue setting boundaries- even though it's what his wife and HE wants...
It seems weird to me but if that's what she wants it's her choice, it does come off as a little selfish to me but there could be more to the story.
It would not fly in my family or with DH's family and I know I will want them there, it's a big deal to have a grandchild. I don't think my mom or my MIL would listen to me if I told them to wait and I know they would be so hurt even asking them to wait 24 hours. I know it would damage our relationships more than it would be worth.
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3 days sounds awfully long to me - when my friend gave birth last summer she said once she'd been moved to her postpartum room and had been there for half a day or so, she and her husband were lonely and wanted visitors!
We would never be able to keep our families away that long. I've always envisioned not calling them right away - I don't want them sitting around the hospital waiting for me to go through labor and I would like at least a few hours of quiet time before they all show up.
All that said, if that's what they want, they need to be firm, but don't lie/withhold information.
Good friends of ours just had their first child, the first grand baby on the DHs side. Families were very excited and we visited as well. It was fun to meet their baby and all that, but the couple was obviously tired and although they were still at the hospital etc. I remarked to Dh when we left that if and when we ever have a kid, I would want to have "visiting" hours established as there is no way I would want a room full of people while I was trying to learn how to BF or anything else for that matter. He thought I was nuts... I think there is a fine line of respect and intrusion.
For the couple in question I think they need to have a very frank talk w/ their ILs as its obviously impacted their relationship w/ their ILs. If you don't tell someone they are intruding you can't expect them to know they are...
It's NMS as I think a new birth in the family is something to celebrate, but to each their own.
Family was welcome to visit us in the hospital in the pp ward the afternoon M was born (she arrived at 3:10am), but my friends all waited until the next day to come visit to give us space. My in-law's would've been extremely hurt had we not told them for 3 days and it would've greatly harmed our relationship for sure.
I can see holding off for 24 hours, but 72 seems a bit excessive especially when having the extra hands on standy to help with meals, dish washing, diaper fetching, etc. might be unexpectedly welcome to new parents just learning the ropes while more exhausted than they've ever been before. Plus, no matter who stops by to visit, that baby is going to bond with his/her mother and parents. I found the first 24 hours was more for us to get used to the idea that we were now parents and to figure out what the heck we were doing with this new, tiny, loud being. Oh and to nap a lot!
Our hospital had visiting hours for the pp ward and stuck by them. They actually made an announcement each night that visiting time was over and they had to leave. The cut-off was 8pm and it was so nice the hospital reinforced it. It helped us our last night there when they kicked one of my friend's out at 8pm.
I think 3 days is a bit much. If she really wants people to stay away, then she should have the baby at the birth center and stay there for the 2 days with a no visitor policy. I think being at home, she'll probably want more help. If she were at a hospital, she'd have the nurses there to help her, meals delivered etc. Who's going to do that when she gets home and it is just her and DH?
That being said, I see no problem with not calling people until after the baby is born (like a few hours). That is what my sister did (well, except for me) b/c she didn't want to feel like she was on a schedule to have a baby so all the people in the waiting room could come visit. And even requesting that people not come until the next day is fine. I also like the idea of having no overnight guests. If they want to drive from 3 hrs away, fine, but they can stay in a hotel and come over during the day.
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When Maddy was born and family knew it was going to be a c-section I had a couple of family members I didn't let know what time the surgery was. My dad and one of my aunts were wanting to be there. Well when I had my section only DH could be in the surgery/recovery area with me.
Mom and MIL were in visiting until time for my surgery and then went to the waiting room. I am grateful that they were there as they were able to be with Maddy when she 1st went to the special care nursery although I am jealous that they got to meet my baby girl 1st. I never even saw her until they took me from recovery to my PP room because she was whisked out so quickly while I was puking my guts out (yay pregnancy and motherhood are oh so glam!).
Because she was in the SCN people could only go in if they were on my approved without DH or I list or if DH or I were with them so if all the extra family had been in the waiting room no one would have gotten any rest. I did make phone calls as soon as they let me in recovery and by 2 or 3 that afternoon my dad, brother and one of my aunts came up. The other aunt who was wanting so badly to be there during the birth came up later in the evening just as DH was leaving but she and my uncle got to see it when I got to hold Maddy for the 1st time.
While I was in the hospital I was kind of bored later in the evening and early in the day while no one was there (DH went home each day to sleep and take care of the pets), so I looked forward to visitors. Once we got home and my IL's were popping by without calling we quickly put a stop to that and asked that they call or plan visits 1st as my FIL esp had a habit of turning up just as I sat down to pump and that was awkward to say the least.
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