Feeling a tad insecure

Vii Lii · April 2011

Before I met DH, he had a pretty bad break-up with a girl that resulted in also losing a close guy friend. (the guy friend's girlfriend was best friends with DH's ex).

All the time I've known DH, his guy friend has never been around. DH told me once about how he thought maybe the guy was mad that DH and the ex didn't work out, since the guy's girlfriend was best friends with the ex, and maybe things were awkward, so they stopped talking to DH.

Fast forward to tonight. I come home from class, and DH comes home late. Apparently the guy friend had called out of the blue, and he went out to have dinner with him and the guy's girlfriend (now wife), and one other guy friend from their old gang.

When I ask how things went, DH is very quiet and doesn't say much. He almost doens't want to answer questions. I ask him if he thinks he and the guy friend will be hanging out again now, and he doesn't know. He doesn't really tell me ANYTHING, which is out of character. Usually when he meets up with friends, he tells me afterwards about how they're doing, what's going on in their lives, everything.

This time there was nothing, and he kind of had the shifty conversation thing going on with me, where I could tell he was trying to avoid telling me something. Words weren't flowing from him as casually or as freely as normal.

I tried to shake it off as maybe he doesn't have much to say about it, but he was gone for 2 hours, and he's never acted this way afterward. So then I wondered if maybe his ex had something to do about it (like maybe it was brought up?). But even then that's nothing to be shifty about.

But then I wondered if maybe she had been there? (after all, she and DH's friend's wife are best friends) That MIGHT explain why DH is being wierd about the whole ordeal.

I tried questioning him more about it, but he seemed intent on going to sleep, which isn't all together too unusual, since he has to get up around 3:45 am for work (he works on New York time).

Am I overthinking this? I'm feeling really bothered about this.

MarylandWed · April 2011

idk, i think your radar is going off for a reason. not that anything happened that you should be worried about, but you said yourself he was acting unusual. i would probably confront him by just being straightforward. just say you felt like he was acting distant/not being forthcoming and you were wondering if there was a reason why. obviously do this tomorrow when he is awake and available to focus on the convo. btw, if she was there, would that bother you? are you the jealous type and therefore your h feels compelled to hide it from you?

Vii Lii · April 2011

MarylandWed:
btw, if she was there, would that bother you? are you the jealous type and therefore your h feels compelled to hide it from you?

I don't know if I'm necessarily the jealous type if DH was up front about it. I've never been in a situation to meet an ex of his before. He keeps them so far in the past that he doesn't like talking about them much or having anything to do with them. Only reason why I know so much about this girl is because he was kind of "damaged" by her a bit when we had first met.

I think what's making me worried is his attitude, and not necessarily her "presence". I've dated guys before that are upfront about exes that are still around, and I've always followed the idea that as long as the guy is acting good, then I'm okay.

Edit: Additionally, one of DH's closest friends is a girl. She was his prom date too and everything in high school, and he's super up front about her and she and I get along great. So I think that if DH is honest with me and he's acting like everything's fine, then I'm fine with it.

MarylandWed · April 2011

yeah. i was just trying to think of a reason why your h might hide her presence. like if he was worried about your reaction. another thought: if your h was really damaged perhaps being with these people from his past and a time that was painful for him kind of did a number on him emotionally. example: i love my husband and would never want to be married to my ex. BUT i never talked to him after our horrible breakup. if i somehow was around people that know him, and back in that headspace, it might throw me a bit. and how do you explain that to your spouse? i am thinking about my ex? maybe it just stirred up some bad *** and he was sort of thrown for a loop when he got home and just needs some time to make sense of it. maybe see how he reacts in the coming days. but ultimately, if he never has given you a reason to mistrust him, you may need to let it go and just accept that you may never know the full story about tonight.

Vii Lii · April 2011

You have a good point there. You may be right.

shmoozer · April 2011

MD's justification was kind of where I was going to go too. It was probably a really hard thing for him, losing his gf and bf at the same time. Do you and your H email? Maybe drop him a note and let him know that you noticed he was upset and if he wanted to talk about it, you're open to it. Reminding him that you aren't jealous or mad if his ex was there at dinner too. It can be bittersweet sometimes to see how people have moved on without you and then get an update from them. I wonder if they dicussed his accident too and whether or not that put a damper on his mood. Good luck.... Hopefully he opens up to you about it soon.

MadameD517 · April 2011

I think MD makes some good points. There was definitely a period of time (long after H and I started dating) where I had a hard time dealing with my ex. I would definitely try to talk to your H about it.

Feeling a tad insecure

Re: Feeling a tad insecure

Choose Another Board

Search Boards