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What steps do I take with inlaws?
The H and I separated about a year ago. He is a drug and alcohol addict. I got divorce papers about 2 weeks ago but it more than likely won't happen as I don't agree to his custody terms and we haven't been separated for 2 years. (PA rule for no fault divorce, which is what he filed.)
He hardly sees the kids, never calls. When I was first trying to get him to rehab again we he fell off the wagon after being sober for quite some time, my FIL was supportive. My inlaws were divorced for 25+ years. FIL was sober for 18 years and goes to over 2 meetings a day. But H wanted no help and things got worse and I had to just throw in the towel and kick him out.
FIL blamed me and still continues to today to blame me. I can tell because whenever H calls (rarely) he mimics what FIL would say about blaming me, etc. MIL has never called or emailed. Neither has FIL since after I threw out H. And that was just once and it was a nasty email to me.
I have 2 girls 4 and 2. I am going to court on Tuesday to get sole custody and supervised visits. My inlaws don't inquire about the kids, have never called or email me about the kids. My older DD drew pictures on cards at Christmas and I made them each a tin of my FIL's mom's recipe that I have the only copy of. I also sent Christmas pics of the girls. I got no thank you, no response whatsoever. I usually get Easter pics taken and I was just going to send pics and that is it. I don't expect a thank you at all. I'm just angry they wrote off the kids in all this, but a part of me say they are their grandparents still and the pics are the least I should do.
So I guess I'm asking, would you send them? And also, my oldest saw a pic of her Baptism that had her grandparents in it and asked where is Grandpa and Grandma (they live 700 mi away.) They did visit and call before he left so they aren't foreign to her. And we visited there. How do I explain why we don't go there and why they don't come here, etc?
Thanks.
ETA: I know my H tells them lies about me. A part of me would like to write them and say what truly happened and has happened. But I know that I would be the bitter wife, etc. so I don't bother. They know he's an addict but refuse to deal with it so I just swallow it although it really makes me angry knowing that their hate for me affects my kids.
http://Life In Sublurbia.blogspot.com
Re: What steps do I take with inlaws?
Sorry you are dealing with this. Here's what I see - your ex is an addict, your FIL is/was an addict and that most likely means that you MIL was/is an enabler.
It's VERY hard, if not impossible, to have a normal relationship with addicts and enablers.
I don't think you owe them sh!t, personally. But that's my bias having dealt with substance abusers in my family. I think you just focus on continuing to be a great mom. Sending cards and photos is optional.
My bio father's parents did the same thing to me when he and my mom split up. Honestly I would not keep sending them anything, they don't deserve it. I'll tell you right now if your girls' situation is anything like mine was they are better off without them in their lives.
Are your parents active in their lives? Do they have any other close relatives they see on a regular basis? Encourage and emphasize these healthy relationships and the questions will start to fade away. Even children would rather be around healthy, normal family relationships than ones tainted by adult issues.
I would stop trying. At the very most, I would send Christmas cards (no tins of treats), like they are included on the mailing list but not anyone special.
You have it easy b/c the kids are so far apart geographically from your ILS. You don't have to lie - just tell the kids that their grandparents live far away. If your parents are active in your life, then they'll have plenty of grandparental affection.
DH and I cut contact from his dad and stepmom a while ago. We told them the truth (the part that they could understand) - their grandpa was sick (dementia) and we couldn't visit.
Relationships are a two-way street. Your ILs could make some sort of effort to contact the girls, even if you and H are divorcing. It is their CHOICE not to. Stop frustrating yourself.
Ditto the pp who said your FIL is an ex-addict and your MIL is an an enabler (or co-dependant). Your H came from a dysfunctional family - you can't fix them. I actually see some co-dependency in you if you keep giving, giving, giving to people who are clearly not worthy of your time and effort.
Your girls will be ok without them.
I agree with the other posters, Easter photos are optional. But, do not try to explain your side of things. I'm sure you just want to shake them until they see that you were right. But, they either (a) already recognize that you had no choice, or (b) won't change their mind.
Side note: I do think you should send them a copy of FIL's mom's recipe, if you have the only one.
At face value, Christmas and Easter pictures are a nice gesture. They are an easy way to keep connected to extended family who live far away. Under your circumstances, its also an easy way to 'take the high road' and 'be the better person' in a toxic situation.
However, take note. Toxic, nasty, alienating people are just that. It serves YOU no good to extend kind gestures to people who are so rude and hostile to you. And your motives will be suspect. They won't think of you as a nice person in a terrible situation, they will twist your gesture to support their own worped POV of who you are.
If you are unsure of what to do, perhaps you could set aside a set of pictures as the holidays come and go with the hope that if they seek a true reconciliation (some day), you have some momentos for them. When they deserve it.
Kind of coming behind SueBear and livingitup - only do it if it will simply make you feel better.
If any part of you is hoping for a specific response from them, if it will upset you to not receive some kind of "thank you", then don't do it.
As said in another post, grandparents aren't entitled to anything. They don't deserve to get pictures just because they are a "grandparent". AND they also don't have to subscribe to a "grandparent role" just because you decided to have children. If they don't want a relationship w/ their grandkids, then that's their call.
But it's also your call to not send pictures and keep them updated if you dont' want!
Honestly, in the end, I highly doubt they'll care. If they no longer get anything from you, they probably won't even realize it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ITA w/ this statement. I wouldn't do anything else for them at this point, but that's just me. I feel like if they really wanted to be a part of your children's lives, they would make an effort to look past the things going on w/ you and your H and stay civil to you. I don't see that happening.
FWIW, I don't have a relationship w/ my sperm donor or any of his side of the family and haven't for a veryyyyy long time. It was the best decision I made. I was always feeling very low down & disappointed trying to stay in touch, etc. and I washed my hands of it. I'm so much happier b/c of it. Best of luck to you! Hugs!
I went through something similar to this, except the ex in-laws wanted to see the children but would constantly bad mouth me. I should not have been the subject of their visits so after many requests for them to stop and they did not stop, I cut them off from the children and from the pictures. They also never even passed a thank you on for the pictures so I just assumed they did not want them.
You are right. They are the grandparents so they should start acting like grandparents. I would not send them the pictures. These days I only send my ex in-laws pictures if they specifically ask for them.
My ex in-laws live very close so when the children asked (in the beginning) why they had not seen them I said that they had to go on a trip and would be gone a long time. You could tell your girls that they live very far away and pretend to read a letter from them to the girls. It is not up to you to make the effort with the ex in-laws. It is your responsbilility to make the effort with your girls. They will understand what kind of people the grandparents are when they grow up.
Also, so what if they hate you. They are taking that out on the kids. How immature of them. If they were mature enough to see that their son has a serious problem, they would realize that no one can live in that situation.
She and her DH decided to have a child. her IL's actually didn't choose to become grandparents. There is nothing they "have" to do if they don't want to.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh my God. How awful! I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I can't imagine how you must feel, especially since it involves your girls.
It sounds to me like your FIL was going to be supportive as long as you were planning to stay with your ex. He probably has some issues to do with his own situation and he might feel as if you "abandoned" your ex. I would say that you did the right thing by getting yourself and your children out of that situation and no matter what your ILs think, you should do what you believe is right. You have every right to protect yourself and your kids. In a situation where your ex chooses a substance over his family, you have no reason to stay.
I would stop sending them any information whatsoever about the kids to your ex and his family. They have made it clear that they have no desire to see them or talk to them and frankly, don't deserve to. It sounds like this is a toxic family and your kids need to be well away from their bad influence!!
As for explaining it to the kids... that's a tough one. You could try to tell them the truth in simple terms, "Sometimes families don't always agree..." or you could lie and then tell them the truth when they are old enough to understand it. "They live far away and can't visit right now..." but I would go with the truth. It might mean more questions and having to give some difficult answers, and it might mean some tears. When it comes to giving them answers about the more difficult parts, you could just say, "You'll understand when you're older..." which is annoying for a kid to hear... but... it might be better to wait until they are old enough to fully understand the situation.
I think sending them a letter would be huge waste of your time. They are enablers. They obviously don't care enough about their own son to stop enabling him, so why should they care about anybody else? They are set in their ways and comfortable with being toxic and you can't change them. Its best to just accept it as best as you can. Its better for your kids to be away from a toxic family member, even though now it hurts, but when your children get older they will thank you for keeping them out of an emotionally damaging situation. Kids are tough and bounce back easily.
This
Exactly!!