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Domestic violence & friend - any experience?
I found out last night from a college roommate that one of our other roommates was pretty seriously beat up by her DH (douchey husband) and managed to escape with her kids. The kids are safe with her family and FR (former roommate) is at a hospital being treated. I haven't talked to her in about 4 years (we're FB friends but that's the extent of things) but she wanted to reach out to everyone who has been a part of her life for support and prayers and to let people know she is safe in case any news got out.
The infuriating part is that no one in their small town apparently wants to do anything about it. Her husband is a fire fighter and a military hero so he's "one of the boys". It breaks my heart and makes me pissed all at once.
I've never been this "close" to a domestic violence situation, and it's not even that close. It's still really weighing heavily on my heart though. :-( I sent her a really brief FB message (I don't have current email or phone #) and said she can e-mail or call any time. Is that "enough"?? I don't know. We're not super close anymore but if I can do anything that might possibly help I would be happy to.
I hugged DH extra tight last night. 
Re: Domestic violence & friend - any experience?
That's so sad. And even more sad knowing that it's not really that uncommon of a situation
Two ideas came to my mind:
1) Since you're not super close, she might not actually feel comfortable calling on you for help. If you have a mutual friend contact that is closer to her, maybe you can let THEM know that you are really genuinely offering to help out, if there's anything you can do. If a need arose, someone who's close to her might feel more comfortable reaching out to others on her behalf?
2) If you wanted to do "something" kind of in honor of her, kinda to help yourself feel like you are doing SOMETHING, maybe you could make a donation to a women's shelter, or something like this: http://www.sojournerproject.org/ I don't mean literally make a donation in her name, but make a donation so that you feel like you're doing something to help the situation in general... if that makes sense? Because there might not really be anything you can do for this specific friend, but you can take that feeling of wanting to help and maybe help someone else in a similar situation?
Just some thoughts...
I really like your second idea. I hadn't thought of that. Thank you.
I work for a non profit where DV victims are half of our "clientele." Since she lives in a small town, I don't know how great her local resources are but I would encourage her to contact a local Domestic Violence shelter or Family/Child Advocacy Center. There she can at least talk to someone about what she can/should do and get support. My organization offers support groups for DV victims and I would encourage her to find something like that locally where she can get plugged in and not get sucked back into the relationship (which unfortunately is what happens more often than not).
I don't live in Minnesota anymore so I don't have local information, other than what turned up in a google search:
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women
1821 University Avenue West, #S-112
St. Paul, MN 55104
(651) 646-6177 Fax: (651) 646-1527
Crisis Line: (651) 646-0994
(800) 289-6177 Nationwide
Website: www.mcbw.org
Email: mcbw@mcbw.org
As for what you can do, I would just be supportive of her getting out of the relationship, and staying out. Is she pressing charges? Definitely encouraging her to press charges - many women are afraid to do that because of what they fear the repercussions may be (either in the sense of their abuser "punishing" them or the real fear that they are ruining their family life).
- Martin Luther King Jr.
They live in central Ohio and she is actually at a hospital in Indiana. Her kids are with family in Iowa - where it sounds like she will be going after she is released. So she won't be anywhere NEAR her husband (assuming he stays in Ohio.)
I'm not sure about her pressing charges. The friend who was relaying this information said, "No one in their town wants to do anything about it because he's 'one of the boys'," so I don't know what exactly that means. It could be related to him being charged, or maybe no one believes her??? I have NO idea.
The good news is she is SAFE and is planning on getting far away from him with her kids. I don't know what will happen beyond that (maybe she doesn't either).
Thanks for the info!
Oops, not sure why I assumed she was in MN! I still think she should look into support groups or therapy (often times support groups are free though) wherever she ends up because it will take a lot to get over the relationship. In any case, YAY that she is going to be far, far away from him!
- Martin Luther King Jr.
I have no idea. I should mention that to the friend who told me all this and see if she knows...
speaking as someone who laid in a hospital for 2 days after an ex got ahold of me, I will say, if you sent her a message, she knows you're there. Right now her feelings are all over the place (at least mine were) I felt embarassed, ashamed, guilty, and the last thing i wanted to do was see or talk to people. it took me about a week to stop crying. Then I realized for my son's sake I had to stay strong and I put a ppo in place, took him to court, since he put a gun against my skull, the judge ordered him to surrender all weapons and turn in his concealed weapons permit. Know what though? He got NO jail time. he got a slap on the wrist. he had to attend domestic violence classes, and pay a $300 fine that was a "donation" to the CVIC (community violence and intervention center) And I get the whole good old boys club thing. The ex that did it to me was a pastors son so it was a similar situation.
She needs to have a safe house and a ppo in place right away.and to PRESS CHARGES!!! MAKE SURE her kids are listed in that ppo also!! that way he can't come around without being in more trouble. It's a small thing in the grande scheme of things because he can come around within a acertain space, but she needs to be persistent that he will NOT be allowed around her.
Please just let her know from someone who has been through it that she WILL be ok! The next month is hell. After that, she will realize how strong she can be! Pressing charges was the most empowering feeling I had in a LONG time and that made me feel stronger. I knew facng him in court would be hell, but it was a risk that was worth it for me, even if it was just so that this was on his record so the judge may not be as lenient next time. (and there was...but not with me!!)
hugs to her!! Take your time Kiz...she will come to you when she is ready.
YES to the bolded! How could I forget about the PO?? (Protective Order, aka Retraining Order)
- Martin Luther King Jr.
Thank you for sharing Ro. I'm so sorry you went through all that. :-(
I was kind of surprised that she called our other roommate and asked if she would call XYZ people (me included.) I just sent the brief message to say I'm here if she needs me. It's a little bit of a weird situation since I haven't talked to her in awhile, but she DID want me to know.... ??? I hope she has people closer to her than I am that can advise her on how to proceed in this situation. I don't feel like it's my place per se, but I did want to let her know I'm thinking about her.
It just sucks all around. For her and her babies. :-(
I would assume she just wanted to reach out to let people know so she can have some extra support when she needs it. You are someone in her life that she trusts and knows will be there if she needs.
I'm so sorry for your friend and her family....it's just horrible to even think about! I think the fact that you even wrote a small note to her means a lot. I'm sure just knowing she has your support means more than you'll know.
I'm taking a women's studies class this semester, and I was shocked to learn that three fourths of all women will be victims of violence! Three fourths!! It's just sick...
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I would definitely try to get word to her to reach our for assistance from a local domestic violence group or shelter. Much of the time that domestic violence turns fatal, it's when the victim leaves or is attempting to leave the abuser. Orders of protection are great, but a piece of paper won't help her if he shows up at her door unannounced. A domestic violence organization and/or support group can help her to make a plan for how she'll move forward from here safely.
It breaks my heart that you and your family can speak from experience. :-( Thanks for your views on this.
I think I'm going to call our mutual friend back (the one who told me in the first place) and see what she thinks about offering our advice. She has been in closer contact with our friend who is going through this.