Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
IL visiting for Easter
I do not have a good relationship with my in-laws. There is a lot that has happened, but they are dishonest, two faced and disrespectful. DH has confronted them on past situations that made us uncomfortable, but they never came around/appologized/ackowledged our feelings. So, DH and I have taken a step back from making an effort to be close to them. I have not even spoken to them since last summer. (Even when we called on Christmas, his mom just cried on the phone about me "taking her baby away" and they refused to speak to me when I tried to wish them a Merry Christmas)
Well, last month they asked to visit us, we said sure but made sure they understood we were unable to take off of work. We said we could still do dinners and evening things together. Plus, they both have family up here in NYC (they live in Texas) that they could see during the day. They decided a week before they were coming to cancel their trip because we made them feel unwelcomed by not taking days off of work. Ugh. I'm a teacher, I can't take any random day off!
Well, they called us last week and said they were coming up for Easter and want to spend the holiday with us. This is fine...but I am so resentful of them I'm afraid I will be a poor host. Do I make an Easter brunch or do we go out to eat? Right now I want to put no effort into making their stay special, which I know is awful to say but they have put me through the ringer. DH is supportive, but I know this hurts him too.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything else. I know if anything comes up my DH will have my back, but I am just so dreading their visit- I wish we had said "no" to them coming. Maybe they have changed and this visit will be a new step to a better relationship? 
I wish I didn't feel so resentful of them.
Thanks for reading..
Re: IL visiting for Easter
Why would you think this? Have they even acknowledged that they haven't treated you very well or made any sort of apology? If not, then you can count on the same old, same old.
Have either of you told them directly that you're unhappy with the way they treat you and that's why you have limited your relationship with them? I think your husband needs to tell them that the two of you have talked about it, and they are not welcome in your home until they apologize and change their ways.
This will be my first time seeing/talking to them since DH confronted them in november about everything. If nothing is better this time around, then we will most likely reevaluate things.
Part of me worries they will be two faced about things and be overly friendly and fake towards me... I'm still really bitter and resentful and am afraid I will come away being the "bad" person when up until now I haven't done anything wrong and have tried to be upfront about things.
I'm really confused as to why you would agree to allow them to come visit.
At any rate, if you're not going to cancel, I would go out to eat and make sure to get separate checks (don't allow them to pay for you so they can't hold it over your head, but don't get stuck holding the bill either if they suddenly decide not to pay) and take separate cars. That way, if they start being jerks, you can just pay your own bill then get up and walk out.
I would not host them at your house for anything. Because if there's a problem then you will be saddled with the issue of getting them to leave. Whereas if you only meet them in public places you can just walk away when you've had enough. Plus if you are the one to make the brunch, you just know that they are going to find fault with it somehow.
I would start with a phone conversation. If they apologize and acknowledge their behavior, then the elephant is out of the room & everyone can work towards a better relationship. I wouldn't committ to a visit w/o knowing how they will behave.
Thank you for the good advice. I was okay initially with them coming because part of me keeps hoping they WILL appologize and we can move on. I am a big family person, and I hate thinking anyone (especially family) doesn't like me...particularly when I don't feel I deserve it. I think if something goes wrong this visit, I will officially let go of those hopes for a positive resolution and relationship.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
I would have absolutely said no to this one.
You already know how this is going to end, yet you seem hell bent on allowing them to treat you like crap again all in the name of having them maybe like you one day. I guess this holiday will be a good learning experience for you and your H.
I agree with this, for the reasons the poster pointed out. In addition, if you are in a public place, it will keep them (or you) from shouting, getting over-emotional. It will keep them from misbehaving or making a scene.
Plus, in NYC it's not that strange to go out vs. eating in - everyone goes out for brunch, so it's not as if you are doing something rude!
So it sounds like they have not apologized yet. What did they say when your husband confronted them about it? It's been six months and they haven't apologized, so I doubt they will do it when they visit, especially since they don't need to in order to be accepted. I don't understand why your husband doesn't call them and tell them what's up before they get there. That way, if they don't act appropriately, he can tell them not to come and you won't have to deal with them at all.
Why is this visit so unclear?
They asked and you said, yes. To what?
Typically when things are this tense and someone makes an offer of re-connecting, like a visit, you make certain you know what you are saying "yes" to before you say it.
They are coming for Easter and want to spend the holiday with us.
Fine. You said yes.
They: Just them, or are other family members involved? If so, who?
are coming: Do they have set plans? Like who they are staying with or hotel reservations? Or were they also asking to stay with you?
spend the holiday: How? Are they inviting you out to dinner, over to a relative's house or do they expect you to host? Does this mean brunch, lunch or dinner? Is dinner in the afternoon or evening?
I think one of the biggest reasons people resent and get angry at each other is because of different expectations. You've agreed to "something" but are not sure to what. So, now you're getting resentful that you have to host them but you don't even know if that's what they plan.
If you already resent them this much, do yourselves a favor and have DH make another call (or several) to get some concrete information on what THEIR expectations are.
And while I am sure they are horrible people who completely deserve it, but you have a terrible attitude. If you truly see them being friendly as "fake" then there really is no hope. If you really need to hash this out and have an apology before you can be polite and friendly then TELL them.
At the very least, if you've agreed to share some time together on the holiday, don't walk in with a chip on your shoulder. Otherwise, don't bother.
If they claim they don't care, then do what feels right for you. A large meal in your home might be expecting too much. Restaurants may be crowded, too. Perhaps investigate some religious aspect, after all it is a religious holiday. Perhaps a church of your religion could make a nice setting to share the holiday. Something secular like the Botanical Gardens or the Bronx Zoo or even the Central Park Zoo could be nice spring-time options with lots to see and an easy way to pass the time.
And in all fairness, if you do something in your home, the cooking and hosting should not fall to you just becuase you are the wife with some talent in the area. This is DH's family and family drama. You may feel a whole lot less resentful or judged if you don't have to do the work to have them. DH can shop and cook ... or order-in.
I'm glad to hear they aren't staying with you for the weekend. That at least gives you some breathing room.
I think you should just agree to brunch on Easter and any other times that your H wants to spend with them when they are there is up to him, and that is the end of your obligation.
Both my husband and I have trouble saying no. You are right. On a side note, I can't help but smile because of your sig. What a great dog!
I can GUARANTEE you that this weekend is going to be a disaster. They have not changed.
How do it know? Because they have already made everything about THEM and what THEY want. You and your H set boundries "We'd love to see you, but we can't take off work," (which even if you loved them is a healthy boundry, for you not to miss school just b/c they decided that Easter week was a fine time to visit!) and they threaten to cancel the vacation "because we feel unwelcomed." No mention on why you might possibly not welcome them with open arms - the disrespect that they have yet to apologize for (or your work schedule!).
Your ILS have made it 100% clear that they are not interested in you - you're the monster that stole their baby (even if your H obviously learned about NYC from the family they have in the NY Metro area!). Let your DH plan everything, and inform him that you will only meet them for Brunch outside of your home, "as a trial."
Yes, they might kvetch that you are "not welcoming them," because you aren't hosting them, having them stay with you. Let your H handle that, but be firm that you will only be there for Easter brunch. THEY made the choice to visit, you didn't ask them to come, and they didn't re-arrange their schedule to visit when you are free (ie: summer break, winter break, etc.).