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In Law Trouble (Long)
So my MIL is currently not speaking to me, which is very upsetting since I only got married a little over a month ago. We got along during DH's and I's dating phase. I've always made an effort to be respectful and kind towards her and in general so has she. Although things popped up here and there that bothered me, I stayed quiet so I could just keep the peace.
The night before my wedding, I called her to check up on something and she informs me that 7 or 8 guests on DH's side have called throughout the week to cancel and that she has taken the liberty of replacing them with other guests without telling me before this point. I felt very upset that she hadn't even given me the heads up that this was happening, but didn't want to turn it into an issue the night before my wedding. A few weeks later, DH receives a phone call from my MIL asking when we are going on our honeymoon (we both had to finish some things before going to our honeymoon), he tells her and they hang up. A minute later he called to ask her why she was wondering and she told him that her and DH's dad were thinking of coming along on OUR honeymoon. DH told her that he didn't think this was a good idea and it was left at that. I was really upset by this situation because I just felt that it was very intrusive. I just didn't understand why anyone would want to invite themselves to our honeymoon. I thought about this for a few days and after speaking to DH I decided to call her and explain to her that I was upset by these two situations. I started the conversation by letting her know that I knew she hadn't done either thing with bad intentions, so I didn't want her to feel like I was accusing her of that. I just wanted to let her know that I wanted to be taken into consideration in these type of situations. I wanted this to be an opportunity for us to talk about this and clear it out. However, that is not how it turned out. She got defensive very quickly and starting raising her voice at me. I tried to ask her to please talk to me and not scream, but she didn't listen. She then accused me of doing something which I absolutely did not do. When I tried to explain to her that it was a misunderstanding that I had never done that, she started screaming even louder so I told her that I couldn't continue being screamed at (don't think she hear me) and I hung up the phone. I was so shocked. I had ran the conversation in my head a million times before calling and I never expected it to turn out this way.
Later on in the evening I realized that she deleted me off of facebook, which I thought was strange because we're all adults and because she was making it public that we had gotten into an argument. We haven't spoken since. DH thinks she blew everything out of proportion and has tried to explain to her that I only wanted to talk to her and tell her how I was feeling. She is offended that I would call her out. I just don't know what to do. I'm really hurt by this situation because I really honestly thought we could just talk about things and move on. I feel naive. I don't even see how this will be fixed. I know she's been talking to the rest of his family and putting me down, but I don't want to turn this into a he said/she said thing, so I've decided to stay quiet and let this blow over.
Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get it off my chest. If any of you have been through anything similar, I'm open to any advice. Thanks!
Re: In Law Trouble (Long)
There is so much wrong here.
First, your DH does not have your back. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to come on our honeymoon" should have been "Mom, you are absolutely not coming on our honeymoon."
Second, you should not have had that conversation with her. The time to complain about the wedding guest situation was when it happened. And DH should have already handled the honeymoon situation.
At this point, your husband needs to tell his mother "My wife was trying to have an honest conversation with you. Your reaction was unacceptable and until you start treating her nicely and with respect, you will not see either one of us."
And going forward, do not engage in these types of conversations with her. Your DH needs to handle his mother.
I think you need to just stop caring so much. You have so far handled yourself like an adult, and she has not. Keep doing what you're doing and maybe she'll come around, or maybe she won't. You can't control how she behaves, you can only control how you react to her - and right now, you're doing great.
And, FWIW, I think the "You handle your family and I will handle mine," is a bunch of shiit. If my mom does or says something that offends my H, I totally support him in saying something, assuming it's a respectful conversation. And, likewise, if I am upset with somebody in my H's family, I don't need him to have that conversation for me. I only think that rule should apply if you've really given it a shot and you're not being heard.
A few thoughts:
1) Your MIL is BSC. Welcome to the club! You are in good and crowded company.
2) Your DH needs to grow a pair of balls and cut the umbilical cord post haste.
3) Your MIL is BSC. (Just driving that point home.)
I think everyone is saying the same thing that you are MKE, but the last sentence is what's applicable here.
This definitely is a situation in which her H needs to talk to his mom and/or stop spending as much time with her.
Actually DH has handled it really well. He was firm when he said that they couldn't come on the honeymoon and he's not on speaking terms with his mom right now due to this argument. He tried to straighten things out at the beginning, but realized that she's not listening, so he told her that he was going to treat her how she is treating me.
Great...BSC MIL Club here I come...
So your MIL is not on speaking terms with you or your husband?
Congratulations, keep it that way until she apologizes to both of you.
What is a BSC?
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Bat ShitCrazy
She sounds nuts. And she was way in the wrong, or clueless, or both --- with each scenario you described.
Your H needs to stand with you --- he needs to call his mother and tell his mother politely and firmly to BUTT OUT -- and that she does not dare overstep her boundaries again. He needs to do this now.
And she needs to apologize to you. Sorry she made you look like the bad guy.
I just have to say, I have NEVER understood when parents think they should be able to go along on their kids' honeymoons. Do they not understand what happens on honeymoons? Did they not have one themselves? I actually like my in-laws, but if they'd suggested that, I would be distancing myself like crazy from them.
WOW!!
Okay I think this situation is totally fixable since ya'll had a good relationship to start with. That is a very positive thing and there is a lot of power in that.
First off, I have inlaw troubles too and a lot of them started with his mom trying to meddle in the wedding too. The best thing you can do is just try to let it go. I honestly would never bring up the wedding with her again if I were you because its over and done with and you can't go back and change it. I still cry over how my MIL tried to ruin our day, but now that's its over and the situation is past it will just make me look bad to keep bringing it up. So I don't.
I can certainly see why you decided to take matters into your own hands and deal with the situation yourself, which is great. You shouldn't have to feel like you have no control and that your husband is the only one who can deal with his parents. He should stick up for you, but you also have to stick up for yourself sometimes. Otherwise they will think that you are hiding behind your husband and making him fight your battles. When it comes to my ILs unfortunately, when I stick up for myself they get mad and want to know why my husband isn't the one bringing it up, and if I get my husband to talk to them they want to know why he has to fight my battles for me. Basically, nothing will make them happy. Hopefully this is not the case for you.
I think that your husband is doing a good job of sticking up for you by talking to his mom and telling her that you had good intentions and all that, that's great, but in the future he might need to be more firm. I agree with the poster that said that he should have told her that it would be absolutely unacceptable if she and her husband came with ya'll on your honeymoon. Maybe say something to him like, "I think that maybe we need to establish boundaries with your parents by being a little more firm with them about what is okay and what's not. I think that when we talk to them we need to stand our ground and say what we mean instead of trying to be overly polite." Or something like that. Because when you are establishing boundaries feelings are going to get hurt and there is no way around that, but in a truly loving family those hurt feelings go away and turn into respect. If you start letting them walk all over you now it will never end.
She is obviously being immature by getting upset that you called her out, she is an adult and should realize by now that her behavior was EXTREMELY inappropriate and there is never any reason to yell at someone over the phone like that. She might cool off and apologize later on, but if not I would try to let it go and just try to handle the next situation differently. In the future you could preface what you are going to say like this, "I want to talk to you about something important to me. My feelings are hurt and I know that you would not intentionally do something to make me feel bad, but..." or say, "I have a problem and I would like you to help me solve this in a mature way without fighting." If she doesn't get over the situation and she doesn't seem to cool off and she holds a grudge against you now, maybe you could say, "I feel like maybe you are still upset over the conversation we had. I think that it would be good for our relationship if we talked about it without fighting so that we can go back to how we were." Thing is, a lot of times when people are doing things like what she did that are inappropriate, they know that what they did was wrong, but they have a screwed up justification for it in their heads to make them think that what they did was okay. She probably thinks that nothing in the world was wrong with what she did, and there's probably nothing you can do to make her see that. The best you can hope for is that you and your husband can make it clear to her that in the future it is unacceptable to engage in those types of behavior with you.
Let it blow over and see what happens. If she's anything like some of the MILs I know the rest of her family and friends probably know just how crazy she is. If it doesn't get better than I suggest buying some books about dealing with ILs and maybe even seeing a counselor about setting boundaries and handling those difficult situations. You don't want this to turn into something where you can't spend holidays together and stuff like that, especially if you had a good relationship to start out with!
I 100% agree!!
I know right??? I'd be like, "Uh. My honeymoon is not a free trip for you!" Cut the cord mama!!!
Maybe she wanted to go to keep them from having sex for as long as possible? I've heard of some crazies like that.