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Struggling to forgive
It hasn't been ALL bad, my relationship with my mom, but the things that have been bad, have been downright Wrong. There's a long history of that, too. The breaking point occurred a year ago this week:
The back story: In 2002, when I was 16, my mom's best friend's son hurt me & my mom told me I asked for it & I got what I deserved. Which I know now isn't true, but at 16, the damage was done. Turn the clock to 2010 & I'm on the webcam with my family who's across the country to visit my grandpa in the hospital. When everyone leaves, my mom gets on the webcam to talk to me & she begins to get all bubbly & she says: "Oh! Guess what?" *My mom had recently begun online dating after her 2nd divorce, so I assumed it was something relating to that.* After a bit of these 'games' she likes to play, she came out with it: "I've been invited to go to a BBQ for (insert mom's best friend's son's name)'s going away party, because he's joining the NAVY!!" I felt a dagger in my heart & the wind fly out of me & the floor fall from underneath me. I started crying hysterically & freaking out on her. She told me that she didn't see what the issue was, "It's not like he ever did anything to you." & that's when I saw red.
Part of me wants to forgive & then another part of me thinks about what all she's done that needs forgiving. Sometimes it's just overwhelming. And it's like, just when I feel myself starting to lean toward forgiveness, she'll send me an email from the Times or something about "How to let go of your issues" or "How to relieve your self-inflicted stress". It pisses me off. I've asked her for an apology & she WILL NOT apologize. She's done me SO wrong but won't copp to any of it & yet my older sister tells me that in her birthday card, my mom apologized tons because she's been a bit pushy lately, asking her to watch our youngest sister on the weekends. It hurt to hear that my mom will apologize over being pushy, but she refuses to apologize for saying & doing something horrible.
Any advice on how to handle this one, tia. Sorry it's so long, too.
Re: Struggling to forgive
Why do you feel you need to forgive her? Not to be snarky - genuinely curious.
I say this only because I wrestled with my own mother and our emotional rollercoaster for years. I cut ties with her a little over a year ago and it was the best thing I ever did.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard. But a lot of ladies here have had similar experiences with their parents and can give great advice. Just know you're not alone and that it's ok to not forgive her right now, or ever.
Therapy has been great for me in dealing with my struggles, too.
74 books read in 2011
I need some clarification on this - when you say this guy "hurt" you do you mean he broke your heart while you were dating or he sexually assaulted you?
If you mom is pushing you to let go of being physical hurt in anyway that I would absolutely cut contact with her and tell her why.
If your mother is a narcissist (which it sounds like she may be - mine is), I don't know that I agree with this. Only because it rewards her behavior and gets under the skin of OP.
OP - you went through something really terrible and you shouldn't have to accept that your mom is an a$$ about it and blames the victim.
Having my mother in my life caused more health problems than NOT having her around. I could not "get over it" while she was around and constantly expecting and demanding I just ignore her atrocious behavior and telling me to "lighten up" about very significant issues.
I think I'm being overly sensitive here because the reason I stopped talking to my dad was when he told me to "get over it" one time too many. (Loooong story with our relationship.)
74 books read in 2011
My younger sister, "A". Mom's Word is Law. If anyone pisses off my mom, she'll use A as the pawn. It's one of those scenarios where "You have to get through me to get to her." - type of thing. If you piss my mom off... there's extremely limited space to get by her & talk with A, who is only 14. Being across the country doesn't make it any easier. My other siblings are all over the East Coast as well. The closest siblings to my mom & A are both over an hour away, in opposite directions. There's no realistic way to have them check in all the time. I don't know... it's a pretty ugly mess.
Ditto the question - what did he do to you? Dump you? Spread mean gossip about you? Sexually assault you? Hit you with his car?
Second question - why do you think you started crying at the mention of his name?
I think that your mom's comment about how he didn't do anything to you (in the face of your obvious distress) was rude and tasteless.
Whatever he did to hurt you, have you tried counseling to work through it? It was obviously very traumatic to you to make you as upset as it did (though I suspect it was more your mom voluntarily associating with him more than the mention of his name that upset you, no?). Seriously consider working with a counselor who can help you work through your past trauma, as well as your current problem with your mother.
That said, you have no obligation to keep her in your life. As for your siblings, I would suggest sending card, keeping in touch via email and Skype and attending public events like soccer games, swim meets, etc to show your support for them. I hope that your mother won't keep them from having a relationship with their older sister, but if she does, that is something she will have to deal with with them when they're older. Right now, you need to be concerned for your own mental health, and keeping your mother in your life doesn't seem good for you.
As far as counselling... I have been working with a counselor from shortly after this whole thing blew up. My mom said that she'd keep A from me until I sought counselling ... which isn't even her place to be, frankly; but after some mirror-time, I realized I was as ready as I'd ever be to face it.. all of it. So, I looked around town & found a Center & got group & individual counselling. It's helped me lots, but it's very difficult & extremely complicated. Every once in awhile, I do find myself asking the opinions of others just to make sure my head's still on straight.
We more than likely do see this in a different light, but in some situations just letting go...which is what I was implying...is what's best. I said "Holding a grudge causes a lot of health problems. Save yourself from it and just try to move past it." In others, it somehow works out. This situation obviously isn't working out so I would agree with someone who says "take it with a grain of salt" and let go of it; it being the relationship. If I were the OP I damn sure wouldn't put up with my mother or father telling me to. However, kudos to you for putting your foot down with your parents.
I see your point. My perspective is admittedly skewed because of my experiences. I do agree to a degree you need to pick your battles and let some things roll off your back. But it all depends what it is, and the history with the person.
OP - If your mom is using your sister as a pawn and you have to accept her behavior to see your sister; might be worth not seeing A for a while. I essentially had to stop talking to my sisters and dad because of my mom. She had them all in too tight of a grip and none of them could see my point of view. Slowly I lost them all. Even with that - it was best for me.
74 books read in 2011
I'm not sure what happened to you, but it sounds serious.
If she's not wiling to apologize, I'm not willing to forgive.
My mom's done some serious crap to me too. I will make nice for holidays, but she knows she's going to have to work very hard to rebuild her relationship with me. I will probably never completely trust her again. I'm ok with that.
It's really no wonder that you're struggling to forgive, OP. This isn't one of those situations where a person is holding an unnecessary grudge. You want to forgive her, but how can you forgive what is unresolved? She's never 'owned', or apologized for any of her hurtful behavior towards you. And whenever you have gotten to a point where you feel like you want to try to move past it, she just adds to the hurt by doing/saying something else, and by threatening your access to your little sister. She sounds vindictive. Sorry, but she does.
I think it's great that you have sought help for yourself to work through all of this. It will get easier. Sometimes people cut ties or distance themselves from a family member prematurely. I don't see this being the case for you at all. There's a long history here, and sometimes out of self-preservation, and for the sake of your health and sanity, it is best to limit or cut off contact completely.
Your sister will soon be old enough to make her own decisions about who she sees/communicates with. In the meantime, hopefully you can try to maintain contact with her through cards, email or skype (like a PP suggested.) Either way, you have to do what's best for you. Good Luck.
I think there is a lot more going on here than you can share in one post, but if he sexually assaulted you and your mom knows this and she goes on to tell you various ways of how you should get over it and THEN has the nerve to even consider going to a party in his honor and even THINK of mentioning this to you... she is not worth the forgiveness. However you have handled this (or not handled it, so it seems), as your mother, she should know that anything related to him is off-limits. She should want to have nothing to do with someone who has hurt her child in any way. Unless she doesn't believe you or think it's that big of a deal, in which case... she definitely doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Find ways to sneak communications with your sister safely and let mom self-destruct in her own ways.
74 books read in 2011
I think kuss hit it on the head. Forgiveness is for the forgiver as much as the offender. You can forgive someone, for yourself. Then that person doesn't own your feelings or have any control over you any more. You can forgive someone and never let them be in your life. You can forgive someone after they are dead.
I feel you are doing the right thing by facing it through counseling, and some day when you forgive her, you will FREE yourself. And just because you forgive doesn't mean she gets to be in your life, it just means you let go of the hurt because you realize she just doesn't get it, or acts the way she acts because that is all she is capable of..... Best of luck to you. To forgive is to free yourself.
WTF? I'm sorry but your mom needs a reality check. I don't know what to say as far as forgiving. I don't know if I would be able to do that if I was in your situation. I do recommend looking at some books on moms with issues that can help you establish boundaries with her so you can protect yourself from further hurt. Her behavior is unacceptable and what she said to you is ridiculous. In the future I would ask her to not ever bring up anything to do with him ever in your presence. She needs to know that whether she thinks he did anything to you or not DOES NOT MATTER because it hurts you. As your mother she should be trying to protect you from hurt, because that is her job whether you are an adult or not, and that job does not disappear just because you are a grown up now. If she can't do that, then IMO she does not deserve your company. But if you still want to have a relationship with her then you are really going to have to work to establish boundaries big time. A family counselor or a book on creating healthy boundaries would be ideal here I think.
I had some people hurt me before too, and the people that found out about it that acted like I had brought it upon myself I still cannot forgive. To this day I have a hard time letting it go but I have been in therapy for a couple of years and it has helped me. It is hard.
I agree with this. I also think her mom might be a narcissist. There are lots of books out there about dealing with narcissists and how to be around them without them sucking the life out of you. I highly recommend therapy or counseling, but if that is not possible I would say at least check out some self help books.
I'm sorry that a bunch of people asked you this question. You should not have to answer that because the issue is your mom and not what kind of trauma you had to suffer. Even if all he did was dump you or call you a name, it is not anybody's business but yours. But kudos to being brave enough to answer. You should not have to if you don't want to though.
I don't post on here very often, but your story touched my heart. You are under no obligation to forgive your mother, but if you think doing so will help you, then that is what you need to do.
While I wonder what happened, I won't ask specific questions about the incident, but I would also encourage you to contact your local authorities about this boy. Unfortunately the statute of limitations has run out for your specific case, but chances are you're not the only one he's hurt, especially if the people in his life (i.e. his mom and your mom) are enabling his bad behavior, and coming forward may help any of his other possible victims. It will also help you put some closure on this whole thing.
Good luck with the counseling! Keep us posted!